What Goes Around, Comes Around

My sister told me today that the particular someone from a dark period in my life had just ended her bond with the third variable in the equation. I shouldn't really care, but it just sparked something within my neural databanks, something Mr. A said to me when I gave it up and let her go.

"I will not falter," that's what he said. Look where you are now.

So I suppose it can be concluded that the problem didn't lie with me - it had always been on her side of the bridge. Now, I'm not gonna be a kitchen sinker and regurgitate all the negativities accumulated, I'm just going to be objective, in a to-verb form and that is specific, measurable and timebound.

You are just too difficult to co-exist with, even with decades of time.

I went through your professional blog earlier, and I'm appalled that even after all these years in SMU, your command of the English language only improved slightly. You didn't striked someone, you struck him. All the money that goes into your tuition fees and your linguistic skill still remains stagnant and unchanging? Speaks volumes.

Sure, we shared some good times, but you are still the one who forged the quagmire of darkness that exists to this day, and that is something I deeply resent. Nevertheless, that is all in the past, and I hope that you find someone with the ability to tolerate your many Mordorian idiosyncrasies.

At least for a longer time than the last one.

Feed the fish kids!

The Psychological-Emotional Condition

So it came to my realisation that my emotional state of mind is inclined to follow a specific pattern, sort of like the acculturation cycle perpetuated by most anthropologists. I find myself digging the same hole, filling it up with the same muck, jumping into the horrible quagmire and ultimately dragging myself back up from the inky grave, only to revisit it again at some other point in time. It is probably a result of the Fatal Attraction Syndrome posited in an earlier post, and I figured that it would be nice (amongst other things) to detail this vicious cycle, maybe then I can do something about it.

The Six Stages of the Psychological-Emotional Condition

Stage 1 - The Status Quo

This is when I feel the most at ease with myself and everything that is going on within my locus of control; I am comfortable with my current status and state of affairs and see no dire need to alter it, although such desires exist on a subconscious level, however sealed away with sheer willpower and absence of an excuse to indulge those excesses.

The Guard is at its strongest.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Can't Nobody - 2NE1

Stage 2 - The Climb

This stage usually occurs when someone new appears in my life, or a past character walks back into my life. Coincidentally, this is also most likely when an instance of the Fatal Attraction Syndrome can be documented. As a morally-rigid and systematically-meticulous person, I feel my life start to shake on its foundations, my inhibitions start to release their limiters and I begin to do things outside of my normal purview. At this point in time, my outlook will be a mixture of darkness and sunshine, somewhere in between but never at the extremes.This Stage can be over in a matter of days, or drag on into months if the circumstances are unfavorable.

The Guard is wavering in its faith and duty.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: I Was Happy - Jo Sungmo

Stage 3 - The Crash

As with all things, what goes up, must come down, and I come down hard almost all the time. All the pent-up emotions, frustrations and feelings just erupt within myself and damage all systems, inflicting massive trauma on almost every fiber of my being. My mental state glazes over, and I find myself thinking of the "Whys", constantly questioning myself, even on matters that do not have any link whatsoever to the issue at hand. In a sense, I question my very existence, but usually leave that question as rhetorical as it is. It is in this Stage that observers will describe me as "emo", and my plentiful emotionally-charged Tweets and FB updates serve to cement their conclusions. Typically, this Stage lasts the longest, and is usually the most psychologically intense.

The Guard is disarmed and weakened, and opportunity exists for whatever it is guarding to slip through.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: You Wouldn't Answer My Calls - 2AM

Stage 4 - The Rebuild

As mentioned somewhere on this blog before, I sort of rebuild myself into a stronger person with each breakdown, and this happens in the Rebuild (arbitrary). In this Stage, pieces of me lost during the Crash start to return, and I slowly begin to pick myself up from the ruins of a shattered hope and restore myself to functionality. Sometimes it only takes a day, but typically, rebuilding is a lengthy process, and is prone to disruption from a multitude of factors, especially from the Key Aspect (KA).

The Guard repairs his armor and finds his sword, though threats loom in the background.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Again & Again - 2PM

Stage 5 - The Slide

This happens all the time, but the magnitude depends entirely on the KA and my attitude towards the KA. I slip a little back into the Crash-days, and wonder if things will be any different had I taken another route. Jealousy worms its treacherous ways into my thinking, and though easily dismissed, still manage to pop out from time to time to reinforce its ubiquitous message. Although it is not as bad as the Crash, it still messes with my psyche, and affects my daily interactions to a certain extent.

The Guard takes a fall, but maintains his footing with his sword.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: If - Taeyeon

Stage 6 - The Plateau

The final element of the Condition is by every measure the most positive, since it signifies an understanding with myself and a coming-to-terms with everything that has transpired since Stage 1. I usually find myself stronger, but not necessarily more resistant to emotional trepidations.

The Guard is back to its original state, more polished and heavier armored than before.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Love Song - Big Bang

The Psychological-Emotional Condition can be summarised with the following chart:

It is at once pretty interesting and also rather saddening to note that I go through this all the time. Sheesh. Maybe now I will do something about it.

Well, we'll see how it goes.

As always, thanks for reading, let me know what you guys think in the Cbox or in the comments section and remember to feed the fish.

Good night.

Irony Loves Company

The Universe really is a fan of irony.

How many times have you heard someone say that something will not happen to him/her, and at the next moment, it really happens? Just hours before, I overheard this Jock-archetype character boasting about how clean his car was, and that he spent the GDP of a small Pacific island to do up his car and whatnot. Moments later, the car was subjected to a strafing run followed by a CAS and ended up with a bunker-buster, courtesy of the well-fed birds flying around my workplace. I only managed to contain a guffaw.

The point is, many a time when we wish for something to happen, it sure as heck will not, not even remotely. We strive for it, fight through piranha-infested waters for it, catch a grenade for it, throw our hands down on a blade for it, jump in front of a train for it, and the Scriptwriter still goes,"Hmm... Nah."

Occam's Razor states that the simplest explanation is usually the best, but the Razor simply doesn't apply when irony is involved. How else can you explain a full reversal of the current (well past if you think about it) situation only when you have decided to give it up and that no other factors exist at that point in time to even remotely suggest a change in the status quo? It is that weird, incredible and fantastic at the same time.

Before you academics publish full-scale research papers on the Razor and other theoretical models in the comments section to refute my point, this is just how I see it, and it is endorsed by me, myself and no one else. My opinions don't reflect those of any organisation I am affiliated with, nor does it constitute academia or established theorem. It is, simply put, an issue as viewed through my lens, and explained using a scientific model I thought best to represent this scenario.

The bottomline is, irony is a potent force in the Universe, and its omnipotence permeates every nook and cranny of life, crouching in the shadows, waiting for the exact, ironic moment to spring its lethal trap, at times to hilarity, but sometimes to devastating effect. So the next time you think of saying something that seems impossible to happen at that point in time, do it, and you might just see this latent force in action for yourself.

Thanks for reading, and remember to feed the fishes!

Misery Does Not Die

Feelings are a strange thing. You have no control over them, but they are capable of affecting your every thought, every move, and every decision. You cannot live without them, but living with them creates a tortured existence so excruciating that you are better off dead.

A thin line is all that separates the direction of those feelings: think of it as an a spark of antimatter, contained in the binding confines of a controlled vacuum, maintained precariously by supposedly-infallible electro-supermagnets. One wrong move, one accidental nudge, one malicious action, and the highly destructive substance will tumble out of its magnetic prison and obliterate anything and everything it touches.

I am sick of it, so sick of it in fact that the very thought of me going through this again makes me nauseated and sick to the stomach. I swear there's a colony of butterfly pupae in my stomach, ready to pop open at a moment's notice to remind me of my numerous affective predicaments. That said, I dug my own grave many a time, due to my lack of perception, or inaccuracy of my conclusions. Other times, however, are wrought by the second hand in the clapping equation, elements of a volatile sequence that cannot be excluded.

Maybe I should throw up more defensive walls, more rivers of sarcastic wit, more labyrinths of confusion and suppression. I just might while waiting for Her, and whoever you are, please appear soon, before I become a stoic simulacrum of the futility and desperation threatening to consume all of my heart.

Damn it.