Humans are funny creatures.
It usually takes a life-changing, thought-provoking moment to realise something, to appreciate someone, to truly value what we have. It is when we're close to losing something that we come to appreciate it. For the first time in my existence, the above has written itself.
As the saying goes, the grass is greener on the other side. I don't deny that, something out of reach is always that bit more tantalising, more wanted. Once the forbidden fruit has been bitten into, the appetite for it, the lust for it never goes away, no matter how much effort you put in to cover it. Humans are like that, easily swayed by temptation. The saying: you can resist anything, but temptation, rings sordidly true.
In a nutshell, I've almost lost my one true love. A number of factors played their own roles in this mess, some stemmed from myself, others came from the other side. But at the end of the day, we're all victims of circumstances. In our quest to know each other better, we overlooked the simplest fact: to remind each other of our love. Mushy? Yeah. But it's true.
Over the years, making her happy has been my utmost priority, something that I've been undertaking with an almost zealous devotion. So determined am I in my task that I've gone blind to her other needs and wants. She doesn't need happiness all the time, she's a human being, not a happy meal. And matters got out of hand when someone else entered the picture and succeeded without trying much to achieve that, and seeing myself fail time and time again just wears down my defenses, down to the point of nothingness.
Things finally came to a head yesterday. I could not handle the whole thing anymore, I really could not. Like a battle damaged mobile suit which has taken one too many direct beam shots, I drifted away from the mothership I'd sworn to protect. I'm sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to power up my systems and journey back to the mothership for repairs. The coup de grace came in the form of her test too, and I really felt as if my heart has been pierced clean through with the biggest beam saber ever manufactured. The scar may be permanent, but the damage will heal.
Love is a two-way street, it is never a one-man show. To reinforce and re-cement my justification of choosing her as my mothership, she came through. Like a life-saving tether, her words reached out to my wounded heart, slowly patching up the open lacerations, slowly closing up the gaping punctures. Really, sometimes all you need is to Stop, Look, and Reiterate what you have been saying for the past 16 months. People need to be constantly reminded, our memories are that bad. As much as I want to take care of her all my life, sometimes I myself need to be taken care of. That's why I have a mothership, and I won't leave it ever again.
After this terrible battle with my own demons and the whole situation per se, I've come to realise a number of things. In no particular order:
1) I am who I am. I cannot be someone I can never be.
My core programming dictates how I act, how I behave. Much as I want to, that side of me will never be able to be altered. Adapted yes, but the base of it will always be omnipresent. That said, it brings me to the next point.
2) I can stand to be a bit more vocal, more outspoken.
Part of my crux, the trait that defines me. He Who Swallows All. Its a bad habit, a bad habit which I'm trying to change, one tiny step at a time.
3) When all seems hopeless, eject the head, see with the heart.
My little girl has taught me this very important lesson, something which I'd lost in the rigours of my new, mundane life.
I also realised how much my family loves me through this ordeal. My mom never failed to spur me on, to make me feel better and to give me incredible advice in a bid to help me overcome my sadness. I think my aura for the past few days have been severely negative, and it kinda spread throughout the entire house. My mom told me that my sister was feeling sad too because of my sorrow, and my dad himself was actually angry. Not with me, but at the whole situation. He would rather me not have this relationship if it made me so darned sad. To my dear family, I want to extend a great big THANK YOU for being around. You guys are the best. No more sadness from me, no more unneccessary sorrow anymore.
Now that I've put the above somewhere permanent, it serves as a reminder to this painful period of my life. So all of my regular readers (a big thank you there), if you happen to see me waddling in my own pool of self-grief in future, please redirect me back to this post.
I concluded that I need a break from this whole thing, and I talked to my little girl about it. After compromises here and there, we finally decided on a short break, not only for me, but for the both of us. I think it will do both of us good, absence does make the heart fonder. I also need this time to truly relax, take a breather, so that I can advance with my little girl through the remainder of our lives. To rest is to prepare yourself for the greater journey ahead.
I will fight for my little girl. No matter the cost.
