Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Check

Like the passing of a comet through our tiny solar system, my blog posts come and well, don't come, as they please, largely dependent on whether the intellect behind them is in the mood to pen down a post, the state of his emotional well-being or whether he has ranked and prioritzed blogging as imperative over all other things currently within his wide-reaching purview.

Fortunately, this is one such time.

It's been almost three months since the kids left, leaving the office many degrees more silent, and very much colder. Without their energy and personalities to punctuate the drudgery of everyday work, the office is merely an empty construct, devoid of feeling, thought or emotion. It feels as if time had been reversed back to a year ago, when I first set foot on the gray carpeted floor and weaved through the labyrinth of faux wood furniture. I was alone then, and it feels like I'm alone now as well, especially if my only other colleague is manning the front desk.

Sometimes I wonder, how did I survive so long in this place, performing a whole assortment of tasks for a meager paycheck and to put myself through seemingly unnecessary turmoil and torture? I could have easily gone for a full-time degree programme, eradicating the need or feasibility of having a job. But who is going to pay for the car's petrol, ERP, road tax and other associated fees? Who is going to pay for the DSLR? Who is going to pay for my hobby expenditure?

No one, but myself.

I know myself well enough to understand that in order for me to not atrophy into dust by having too much free time on my hands, I have to be put through my paces and challenged, for activity and having stuff to do is the primary source of my being, my fuel if you will. Granted, at times I wish for nothing on my plate, but those periods are rare and fleeting.

Therefore, this work-school arrangement is most optimal for my current and future development, and is a model I will probably adopt to other scenarios if applicable.

On a side note, I thought of this new theory to characterize the process which always finds its way into my blog posts. I call it: the Germ Theory of Affection.

As with all diseases, it starts with a single germ, and this particular germ represents the YY-chromosomed individual who ventured into my system. The germ will be classified as the X-Strain, where X is the name of the individual. As the virus matures and multiplies, my systems start to falter, and eventually I succumb to the full might of the germ, laying my heart bare and ripe for the taking.

If the Strain is strong enough, it would succeed, otherwise, it would withdraw and go into remission. In the event that a particular Strain actually gains control of my heart, a team of specialists and experts will have to pull me from the brink of disaster, and I would have to fight tooth and nail to repress the condition myself. Generally, I would make it and see the next sunrise, but like all superviruses, each Strain will never be wholly obliterated from my systems, they will merely be in remission, awaiting the opportune moment to strike again.

Waiting for the moment to spring a devastating and unexpected relapse.

Even if the Strain isn't particularly damaging or developed, any form of assault on my systems is still considerable, and repeated action would quickly wear down any defenses raised and penetrate my shields. As for the more hi-level Strains, well, let's just say that all it takes is a single touch to take my life.

The Strain which had been in remission and suppression for the past year has awoken yesterday, but it is still weak, still reeling from the pressure put on it the last time it wreaked havoc. Nonetheless, it is now active, but I am biding my time, looking to see how this particular Strain will develop.

We shall see.

Feed the fish kids.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Degeneration

It is at once scary and also saddening to note that as human beings age, their bodily systems slow to a perceptible crawl, their reflexes slowly but surely grind to a lower new constant and their mental faculties start to falter. Out of the three however, the slowing of the mind and its associated capabilities brings about the most difficulty and anguish, to the person experiencing it as well as to the people unfortunate enough to be around him/her when the brain cells start to die for good.

My grandmother is undergoing that stage right now, having lived vicariously through the deity of gambling for the past eight decades, and then some. Still, she is going strong, and according to one over-enthusiastic and retrospectively irresponsible doctor, healthier than a person ten years younger. If you ask me, she's a bit too strong, to the point that she is exhibiting signs of emotional displacement and displaying severe violent tendencies to her immediate family members.

Three times within a week, she wound up in three different police stations, after running away from home (yes at her goddamned age) due to trivial and wholly unnecessary squabbles with my family members - primarily my Dad - over the maid who had been employed for the sole reason to care for her. What is wrong with just sitting there on the sofa, watching TV and having someone to take care of your every need? Sounds like an awesome time, but then again I'm not grandma.

Everyday she tries to find fault with the maid, picks fights with her which almost always degenerates to forceful stoppage and loud shouting from both sides of the conflict. The innocent citizen - the maid - bears the brunt of the damage, and is powerless to do anything about it, although she knows that everyone in the family except grandma is protecting her. Yet, we cannot be in the house all day, all the time, and truth be told, I am beginning to DREAD coming back to the house, for fear of history, especially last Friday's event, repeating itself.

There I was, in the cinema at Iluma watching Transformers 3 for the second time with my OCU classmates when a flurry of messages from my sister came in, saying that grandma went crazy again and Dad is on his way to the hospital because of a deep cut caused by a fall with grandma when the two of them were struggling. Again, it was because of the maid, or rather, grandma tried to attack the maid when she was just minding her own business, and Dad (and his confrontational character) tried to stop her and shake some sense into grandma. I believe one or the other lost balance and both of them fell to the floor, and Dad cut his forehead on one of the sofa's sharp corners. According to eyewitnesses, a lot of blood was seen on the ground after the incident, and Mom had to accompany Dad to the TTSH A&E for treatment. The messages came halfway through the movie, and had it been my first time watching the show, I would be even more pissed than I was last Friday, like Megatron-pissed.

Having lost focus on the movie, I spent the last 1.5 hours merely admiring the finer details of the SFX, noted the details on The Wreckers' vehicle modes and scrutinized Shockwave's cannon and Optimus Prime's solo rampage through a gauntlet of Decepticons. Straight after the movie, I had to bid the group adieu to rush to the hospital, where my parents were waiting for their turn in the Emergency, and it was only after two hours that we were finally on the way home, with Dad having four new stitches in his forehead.

One of these days, someone is gonna get hurt real bad, and the worst part is, grandma will conveniently forget everything the next day due to her rapidly deteriorating memory.

All these when I'm just about to start class again next week.

Excellent.

Feed the fish kids.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

End of the Line

I must have did something wrong in my past life, to go through this tumultuous mess right now, probably allowed a basket of kittens to be run over by a ten-wheeler or something. It could also be merely circumstantial - things are happening the way they are due to the accumulation of a myriad of different factors encompassing a whole spectrum of situational conditions and environmental concerns. Regardless, the matter is evident at this point in time, and like a pus-filled tumor, might just explode at the slightest prod, saturating the area with its toxic fallout.

As a general rule, we are all victims of circumstance. Who can proudly say that he/she is who he/she is because he/she wanted it? None, because everyone is moulded by their own individualistic experiences, the building blocks of your character, your personality - what makes you who you are. Like people, happenings in life go through this process, nothing is smooth sailing, rarely will things follow a straight line.

I was naive to think that it will.

As the negatives continue to pile up with no slight, even remote, positive in sight, my thread is wearing thin. Our publics - both internal and external - are getting angsty and upset, and for good reason. Honestly speaking, we expanded too much too fast, didn't calculate the logistical concerns for such a massive undertaking. We also overlooked an important factor: the functional publics.

Even if we're doing this activity out of our passion for the sport, that passion will burn out, even if you are a ultra-enthusiastic, all hyped-up practitioner. Running chaotic civil wars week after week tend to grind away at your passion, patience, and then your temper, and doing so WITHOUT any form of visible return just accelerates the inevitable process. Underlying issues now find themselves floating to the top of the agenda, and eventualities predicted have begun to manifest themselves. On top of all those, the parent organisation just switched hands, effectively ending the relatively hassle-free venue system we previously enjoyed.

It is not that I don't want to do anything, it is just that there is simply nothing that can be done at this point in time. The primary, crucial concerns have been highlighted to the higher-ups many, many times, but there is little they too can do. If the main organisation's goal is profit-oriented, logically speaking, the activities going down the flowchart would be revenue-based as well, which is the case right now. All of the ideas being thrown around right now to resolve this issue sound good, practical, but is the result worth it?

Sadly, it probably is. We are still too young to be less selfish.

I will hang back and let you guys settle this mess the way you want to, observing the process, anticipating the outcome. If you guys manage to calm the storm, good for you, all of us can continue with the new status quo. If nothing is changed even by your hands, I will do something, provided my motivation is still intact.

My thread is at its end, and there is no spool to reel it in.

I am really spent.

Maybe its time to head back into my own little bubble, where everything is perfect.

What a wish.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Rebuilding

Feelings come and go, just like friends who appear and fade away like so many grains of sand plastered over the beach, few substantial, some significant, but mostly fleeting. It is rather troubling to note that I go through this same thought process many times a year, and though some last for mere days, most drag on for months on end, sowing emo-seeds of self-contemplation into the arable neural farmland of my cranium.

Without much tender care or high-tech agricultural machinery, these seemingly-insignificant seeds will waste no time into blossoming to towering canopies of sunlight-blockading evergreen structures of despair. They constantly grow, evolving into newer, more dangerous strains as time goes by, furthering barricading the once-healthy farmland from the rest of the world, sapping the nutrients from the once-fertile soil while leaving nothing behind.

Alas, all it takes is for the farmer himself to raise his double-barrel, point it towards the heavens, and pull the trigger. As the buckshot soars towards the suffocating cover of darkness with relentless determination, the farmer knows that he can begin cultivating his more profitable cash crops soon, once the darkening canopy is destroyed.

In an instant, the rounds breach the desecrating trees, eradicating one structure, with the others falling away soon after, leaving but a single pod behind, ready to burst open at a moment's notice should the opportunity arise. This particular pod remains hidden from view, concealed from prying eyes, immune to even the most advanced scrying techniques, awaiting the best moment to shroud the entire world in darkness once again.

For now, all is sunny, all is well.

At long last, everyone can now breathe a collective sigh of relief.

It took a while, and the battle was tough, but the armistice has been signed once again.

The Rebuilding is complete.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Power Overwhelming

I now have an idea of how it feels like to be overwhelmed, to be overworked, to be overclocked beyond your advertised specifications. So many things are on my mind right now: work, the PR assignment, the PR exam, the first contract for our cosplaying services (if it goes through), tomorrow's Tactical Mob lesson (with its own mind-map of considerations), Saturday's birthday hosting (again, with its own web of intricacies), the massive BBQ gathering occurring on the same day, as well as the exact tactics which I would use in line with an always-altering strategy to achieve one long-overdue objective. Even typing those out took some time. Sheesh.

Anyway, SOF: Blasters is well on its way to establishing it own identity and image, with a website, ratecard and/or brochure in the works. Although still in its infancy, it is nonetheless priceless motivation for the people working for it, shedding sweat and blood, toiling through soil and mud. Just yesterday, I was about spent with everything related to this alleged-hogging of my spare time, but Edward's little proposal got my business gears running and restored a significant percentage of my motivation, even if it is for the time being. We'll see how long this will last.

In other news, it's been some time, but her visage still fleets through my mind everyday, although in decreasing frequency and intensity. Nonetheless, the phantom still exists, and remains a poignant force in my locus of control. I felt my lip muscles arch into a slight smile when I received her acknowledgement to a global message I sent, felt my pulse race a little, felt my heartrate increase. The canvas is still blank though, nothing has been written or doodled on it since the day I decided to leave it empty, since everything reverted to square one.

Awash with purity and laminated in innocence, the canvas remains oblivious to the movement around it, most of them without a shred of relation to the object, but some of them wrought with clandestine intentions. Nevertheless, the canvas still portrays its whitest side to anyone who would see, keeping the less-appealing wooden frame hidden from the rest of the world. However, all it takes is just one stroke of the paintbrush, and everything will change forever.

Should I lift up my slender brush, dip the head into my palette of unusual colors, and skillfully paint a maverick picture of chaos, anarchy and seclusion; or should I fold my arms, tip my feathered hat down ever so slightly and stare at the still-blank canvas with longing, hazy eyes?

Decisions, decisions.

In any case, she has to know through one way or another, that she appears in the mind of another living, breathing, thinking human being every single day.

18.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Approaches to Life

Advertising is over: exam, post-assignment, the works. That module is now in the history books, and even if I didn't have a clue to what body cathexis was, it doesn't matter.

Let sleeping dogs lie and snoozing cats stretch.

Besides, I still have PR to contend with. No time to mope over gulped milk, and even more pointless to compare and contrast our answers with that of the notes or each other. Focus on the more important tasks people, most of you have yet to start on your PR post-assignment, and we don't have much time left. Keep at it folks~

Just this afternoon, I suddenly realised something about myself I had overlooked all this while. The way I do things, the manner I tackle problems - it is very similar to how I approach a particular type of assignment that I relatively enjoy doing: the research paper.

Whenever I'm tasked to submit a research paper on a given topic, the first thing I would do is to head to the library and look for hard-copy sources. Even if the assignment requirement dictates three sources as adequate, I usually go for ten from a variety of media before I call it a day - better to have more information than to have insufficient data when you get down to writing the paper. Next, it's time to hit Google, and with a simple search with the base keywords, I work my way to upwards of another ten sources, refining the keywords and selecting only the articles of the highest academic integrity or journalistic credibility. Only then will I start a new Word document to do some generic format setting and then proceed to process all of my sources.

Processing is a whole new ball game altogether, and the hard-copy sources will take the most time and effort. Merely reading, highlighting, re-reading, removing and re-highlighting journal articles can take an entire day, and the usable material - which isn't much most of the time - is transcribed to the Word document, for consideration of use. Its source is also properly credited and stored away for the inevitable Works Cited page to be born at the end of the paper.

Once all sources have been read through and information extracted from them, the paper can now be written. Typically, I would sit myself down (sometimes forcefully) and will myself to start writing the paper. Most of the time, the first paragraph I create will only exist for a few minutes, after which its existence is reversed by the Backspace. To me, the most difficult part of a research paper is the start, but once that's out of the way, the rest of the paper will flow like a broken dam, or an unblocked toilet if you're more of the lavatorial persuasion. I make it a point to finish the first draft of the paper in one sitting, no matter how long it takes, but it usually requires a good three to six hours of discipline and mental fortitude to complete the first manuscript. Once that is done, I back the document up online, emailing it to three separate email addresses, one created expressly for the purpose of storing backups and backups of backups. I would also save a copy of the paper onto my Berry, for mobile review and also to serve as another channel of backup. If the assignment is important enough, its essence will also be shared across a thumbdrive and two portable HDDs. Even if the world ended the next day, my paper would be safe.

After a day, I return to the first draft and start to edit the whole thing: whole sections are removed or rewritten, words are changed, sentences are restructured, grammar gets Nazified and vocabulary finds new meaning in its boring life. I have a bad habit though - whenever I ought to cut down on the word count, I end up adding even more words to the original number, and it takes so much effort just to destroy one whole paragraph, or to squeeze all those words into a single page. It's worse than using Occam's Razor on Schrodinger's Cat. Maybe.

After the torture to cut down on the words and to be that bit more concise, the paper is printed out and read through. With a colored pen in hand, my eyes scan the physical copy for errors which managed to evade my radar the first time round. As expected, multiple blemishes appear as I roam the pages, and mistakes are forcefully crossed out and corrected in pink ink as I mutter under my breath for this gross negligence of vigilance.

Anyhow, the paper finally gets edited to my satisfaction and it is now time for the most exciting period in the research paper writing process: formatting! That particular margin must be of the default setting, font size must be exactly 12, font type must be Calibri if its for a school assignment - Times New Roman for all others -and page numbers must be present. A cover page is also fabricated from nothingness and smacked on top of the first page of the paper, with all personal particulars present, clear and in bold. The Works Cited page must be properly formatted as well to MLA/APA standards, with each second and subsequent line indented once from the original margin, and all entries must be sorted in alphanumeric order. When that's done, the research paper is officially finished.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I approach life's problems.

All the world's a research paper, all the men and women merely sources, helping me to answer life's enduring research question.

As I pondered this revelation, I realised it made perfect sense. How many times have I seen myself constantly finding out about something just to make sure things are the way they appear to be? I think things through, through and through, and seek a variety of informational avenues just to confirm or refute a point. For the minor issues, a single source would suffice, but for the more complex algorithms (like the one plaguing me right now), a whole plethora of opinions across the whole spectrum of sources is needed. I have to admit, that is so damn true. I talked to a whole bunch of people about this issue, all of them unique, all of them special in their own way, but united by the fact that they are the ones who gave me information related to this personal matter. I couldn't believe it at first, but as the idea floated about in my head like a ghost, I accepted it as part of my character.

Insights however, like to happen in pairs.

A friend told me this afternoon that he noticed I was always rushing around, be it within a work-related environment, a school zone or even when at leisure. He said that I seemed to always be in a rush to complete things, which results in turning in work quickly (but with quality), studying for tests early and generally just completing tasks way before time. Dad also concurred with this friend's analysis over dinner earlier, stating that I do things fast, even when I'm eating. I start eating quickly, then end off quickly as well, while the rest of the family is roughly midway through the meal. Well, people have said I inhale my food, so I guess the speed-eating thing is not an isolated observation. I admit that facet of myself and wholly embrace it, eating quickly means freeing up one chore for the day.

But coming back to the issue of my apparent rush, I guess it is due to how I was brought up. I was trained to do things quickly and accurately, with longer break times between tasks if the first one was completed swiftly. I reckon Palov had a part to play with this sort of learning, and till now I still cannot bring myself to do something slowly - it is just not a part of me. Believe me, I have tried to slow down or delay doing something which is usually completed with speed, but I felt immensely uncomfortable and chock full of self-guilt that I abandoned the notion altogether. It is this trait that creates me, and it is in me that I must trust.

Well, this is a pretty inspiring and self-insightful post, looks like you really do learn something new everyday.

Let's hope I get the answer to this part of the lifelong research question soon.

Enjoy this rare, not-that-emo post guys, and remember to feed the fish! :)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Sweepstakes

Even now as I pour over my books, notes and notes of notes to cram in some last-minute information for tomorrow's assay, I'm preoccupied with other thoughts - some positive, a portion negative but mostly neutral and random. Sometimes I wish I had a more generic "guy's" brain: no long drawn-out thinking process, no calculation of every possible outcome along with their specific countermeasures as well as the absence of the tendency to pre-empt anything and everything. Nevertheless, some higher power has blessed me with this model of grey matter, so I've got to use it the best I can. Besides, what other choice have I got?

We should be cognizant about what is realistic, specific and measurable, in order not to step into patches of quicksand that are remorse and regret. It is alright to dream, dreams are what give you drive during your waking hours, no matter the acceleration and direction of that drive. It is however, pertinent to recognize that the importance of snapping out of a dream and dropping back into cruel reality. It won't do you any good to stay in a permanent dream, as good dreams are wont to do. The occasional daydream of the "what-ifs" are great, only if you remember to withdraw from it at the end and return yourself to the "now". It is a difficult task, yet it can be surmounted with practice, and a whole lot of discipline.

On the same note, I noticed that a lot of people around me always muse about the "what-ifs" of a given situation. They go on about if they had put in that little more effort into their project, they would have gotten a better grade, if they had woken up a little earlier they wouldn't have been late, etc. Strangely, most - if not all - of the "what-ifs" I've heard recently are always accompanied by a "little" within the same sentence. For example:

"If I had been a little more careful, I wouldn't have made that careless mistake on the exam. Damn it."

Hindsight is always better than foresight, no matter the circumstances. Plan as you may, account for errors if you must, things will still manage to go wrong. That is just the brand of irony this universe so favours. How many times have you seen cars breaking down on the most crucial of days, how many printers inexplicably failing before a major deadline or better yet, the absence of a taxicab when you desperately need one? I've been on the receiving end of that too many times, seeing the comprehensive planning disintegrate before my eyes because of a freak incident or an event which evaded my predictive radar. Now, I still plan a lot, but allow room for these "eventualities", as I feel that if you prepare for their existence, you are prepared for them even if you cannot have prepared for them. :D

So to the people around me fretting or fussing over their own planning/coordinating commitments, take a step back, observe the situation, take in the current process and allow yourself space to breathe. Even if things do go awry, at least your highly detailed and comprehensive plan will be able to project a professional image to whichever audience you're targeting, even if a war is raging backstage.

It could be time, or it could be the happenings in my life, but the feeling is dissipating, albeit at the pace of a snail drenched in peanut butter circumnavigating a spherical minefield dispersed in a beta pattern. Despite that, deep down, I still wish for her to drop me a message, to wish me good luck for my paper tomorrow.

What wishful thinking, she probably forgot all about it.

In the sweepstakes of life, my coupon has yet to be drawn.

Feed the fish kids. :)

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

The Red Pill or the Blue Pill

Today's lesson went unexpectedly well, with a very-organised and relatively-disciplined Kids Group and a cooperative Adults Group. Looks like segmentation worked, spilting the entire swarm up into two general categories allowed our limited manpower and equipment to be utilized to the fullest.

Still, as per Murphy's Law, things managed to happen. A kid ran into a pillar while being chased by seven others, and parents complained that their kids were not getting enough playtime. Accidents happen, and we can't be responsible if your kid slips on a piece of tissue paper and breaks his fragile head. All necessary and general precautions have been addressed, and if fate decreed that your kid smash his head into this pillar, it would take nothing short of the finger of God to cushion the impact. Thankfully, the child's parent laughed it off as a play-related mishap and not one of malicious intent.

As for the insufficient playtime, we have way too many kids to cater to, and in order for them to experience a big game with multiple players, we had to cut short their smaller, more cohesive team-based games. The kids didn't seem to mind, but the parents - ever vultures - noticed that their children were not getting the same treatment as the rest, and they paid the same price. Singaporean kiasuism even permeates something as unconventional as Nerf. After some explanation, the parents just wanted their kids to have fun and play, and was only asking for the rationale behind the shortened game time. There you have it, we have too many registered participants.

As a whole, today went extremely well, and I wish for this to continue, even if I'm running out of steam, motivation and encouragement. I'll live.

I read through my previous blog posts earlier today, and realised that the style of writing hasn't really changed. Yes, it is still flamboyant at times, but as compared to the posts of say 2006, I have toned down a lot. No longer do I use six different descriptives in the same sentence, and nowadays I hardly use vocabulary unrecognizable from Greek. One thing remains constant however, and is coincidentally the blog's primary driving force: emo posts.

Writing emo posts is just a way for me to vent frustration and unhappiness, like how some people punch the walls to relieve their anger, or how others shout out to the sea to eradicate their pent-up sorrow and stress. Instead of bottling it all up, which is bad according to certain prominent people around me, I pen those emotionally-charged thoughts and feelings down into this little weblog, one for further review, two for keeping record and three for others to have a glimpse of what goes through my cranium. So instead of asking me to stop writing emo stuff, try to encourage me to pour my heart out, as the more I write, the better I will feel in reality - it is just how I function. :)

As I scrolled through post after post, I found out that I write in very different lights under different circumstances. The post can be extremely flattering for the person mentioned, but the same person can also be written about in an utterly depreciating manner in a later post. I frighten myself sometimes.

Observation: we tend to want to confide in someone close to our heart whenever we're stricken with a crisis, hazard or threat, and want to let the other person know about the entire situation, even if she cannot do a thing about it, or doesn't understand the context at all. This manifested earlier, when those PR disasters emerged from the deep. I wanted to text you, to tell you how frustrated I was, how annoying those parents were, just to elicit a reply, even if it was something as shallow or simple as "Haha". My Berry actually came out of its holster, my left thumb scrolled to the appropriate screen, and with bated breath the other fingers were poised to commence the construction of a text message.

I stayed my hand.

For too long, the process has been lopsided. For too long, everything only happens from my end. For too long, I have pointlessly waited for the change which never came. You said plenty of stuff, but rarely did you carry those words through, leaving me to pine, to hope, to rot.

One message, or one call.

That's all that I ask for.

It will be an indication which speaks volumes, from which I will know when to release my grip.

When to give it all up.

When to let it all go.

So, if you're reading this, just send me one message, and from its content I will judge if I will carry on with hope or to let everything go with sorrowful despair.

Feed the fish kids. :)

Wedding Dress (Spartan's Version)

As most of you might know, I'm a great fan of this gem of a K-Pop song, and as such I've written my own version of it in the spirit and direction of the original. Credit goes to Taeyang for producing and performing such a wonderful masterpiece of aural perfection.

Yes, it is written for someone in mind. Enjoy~

***

Some say it’s not over till it’s over.

I guess it’s really over now.

I got something I gotta say before I let you go,

So, listen.


Every time I think about it,

Every time I would cry.

When I remember all the good times that we had.

I only want to make your wildest dreams come true.

That is the only thing that will make me complete.


I’m afraid that you might start to treat me differently,

When you know that the feelings I have for you are indeed clandestine.

I hold back my tears,

My heart shattered to pieces.

I pray that you would just look at me.


Baby, give me a chance to show that I love you.

Cuz you should be my lady

All that matters is your sweet embrace.


When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so don’t go

Stay with me and let us grow old.


Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.


I didn’t have the courage to tell you

Nor did I ever try.

You really ignored all the small things that I did.

I really should have just told, told, told you so.

But right now everything is just impossible.


All this time while you were sitting right there by my side,

All I could do was only to show you my other side.

I guess it’s too late,

Nothing more will change.

I just hope that you will keep on smiling.


Baby, give me a chance to show that I love you

Cuz you should be my lady

All that matters is your sweet embrace.


When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so don’t go

Stay with me and let us grow old.


Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.


Baby girl you can forget,

All the memories that we shared.

But please don’t completely erase me out of your heart

I know that it’s difficult and unfair to you since you did no wrong but, no~


When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so please don’t go

And stay with me till we grow old.


Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.


***

Monday, June 06, 2011

Up, up here we go...

A lazy scorpion crisscrossed across the scorching desert sand, its spiny arachnid legs creating interweaving lines across the strangely smooth sheet of grainy particles, drawing a fleeting pattern lasting only an instant, quickly erased back to nothingness by the unforgiving wind. A human figure lay face down in the brownish grime, unmoving, unyielding, yet very much alive. With a painful groan and a forceful heave, the human raised himself from the sheetlike particles, head hung low, eyes shut. He exhaled explosively, clumps of sand mixed with saliva erupting from his gagging maw. A while later, all is calm, and the human slowly stands on his battered feet, a little wobbly at first, but managing to execute a perfect stance once his muscles regained their lifelong memories.

The human looks up: an endless clear blue sky, however marred by the dark, orange-tinged plume of thick black smoke streaking across the otherwise tranquil stratosphere. His eyes begin to track the atmospheric anomaly, making contact with a huge, burning object at the end of the smoky trail.

A starship.

In an instant, the damaged hulk made landfall, impacting into the ground several miles from where the human stood, throwing up plumes of dune sand a hundred feet high and fifty across, while simultaneously transforming into a massive fireball of tremendous heat and fiery death. Debris rained down around the doomed ship, dotting the tragic landscape with millions of sometimes-microscopic shrapnel falling at two times the speed of sound. For the creatures inhabiting that particular piece of real estate that day, the Rapture never seemed so real.

The human watched in awe, shock, and despair. He knew where that ship had come from, knew its purpose, knew its crew. At this moment however, he knew that he was lucky to be alive -probably saved an orphanage of kittens in his past life to deserve such a fortunate fate. As the flames onboard the wrecked starship started to fade, the human turned around and prepared to leave.

He paused.

A single tear dropped from each haggard eye, traversed the distance between optic and ground, and seeped deep into the shifting desert sand, never to surface, never to be found again. Steeling himself, the human lifted his head up high, teary eyes ablaze with confidence and passion, ready to face the challenges ahead. In the distance, he could barely make out the looming hulk of a Leviathan-class battlecruiser, his ride off this accursed desert, and also his only ticket off this god-forsaken land which held many terrible, painful memories.

All things must end, and new ones must begin.

The human turned to take one final look at the now smoldering carcass of the fallen vessel, a mere shadow of its former, glorious self. No matter, the new one would be better. The human turned towards the Leviathan, and began the long journey towards the magnificent starship, and ultimately, towards the stars.

Up, up here we go, where we will stop, nobody knows.

***

Feed the fish. :)

Saturday, June 04, 2011

Time is Life's Panadol

I'm sure I've said this plenty of times before - to friends around me, to family members and also to myself - that time will heal all wounds, that nature will run its course and that the universe will continue expanding, or somewhere along those lines.

The gist of it however, is that no matter how damaging something might have been to you, after a sufficient period of time, it will fade into your consciousness. Mind you, it's still present, just that it is now concealed under days and weeks and months of other events. Bad experiences are like scars: they remain with you forever, but can be hidden from view. So by that theory, given a long enough length of time, even the most devastating episodes can be tucked away into a lonely, dark corner of your psyche.

I think not.

Even if time manages to push these negativities to some other unused areas of the brain, buried under layers of good memories and distractions, bits and pieces of the bad stuff will still manage to seep through. Every now and then, an "attack" will occur, plunging the brain into a state of emotional alarm, as if it is back during those dark days it worked so hard to suppress. Bodily functions are affected, as are emotional interactions, and such behavior can last for days on end, giving others the impression that you are "emo". Indeed, when such assaults assail the mind on top of your other commitments, the stress can get too much, and it shows on your physical, fragile, frame.

Such is the cruelty of Life.

I now know with a 95% confidence level that you do not feel the same way, despite all the fruitless hope and pointless contemplation. The Predictor had painted this picture, but I did not want to accept it as the gospel. No matter, the Prediction has come to pass, and I am thus forced to bear the ramifications of my strategic inaction.

The time has come, for Time to do its miserable work.

Again.

Feed the fishes guys. :)

The Prophecy of Regret

It is times like this that make me question the wisdom of my actions, to contemplate that path not taken, to look back and think:"Hmm, I probably shouldn't have done that". Life is simply too short to have regrets, but even if a structural framework is in place, gaps will still exist.

Even now, the yearning, the pining, the hoping is ceaseless, although the severity has lessened somewhat. The threshold was crossed, but nothing was changed. Perhaps it is time for more overt measures, enough of the subterfuge.

One way or another, you have to know.

Time to do some revision for next week, feed the fish kids. :)

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Befuddled Emotions, Frazzled Feelings

Our very first Nerf Blaster "lesson" just ended, and all I can say is, it was absolute chaos. Try as we might, there were just too many people for us to handle, and their myriad of age ranges just compounded the problem, not factoring in the typical "kiasu" and "understandably upset" parental figures. No matter, we'll probably do better next week, after segregating the two main age groups into their own warzones.

The following portion is dedicated to my lovable colleagues who made the past five months more bearable with their quirks and antics, so pardon me if you (my other readers) cannot find links to the references I use. Without further ado, here goes.

A tsunami of emotion crashed into every fiber of my being as I walked into the office today, almost the same feeling that came over me as I walked out the back door of CS CDC about ten months ago.

The Cat and Tig weren't there at their usual places when I walked in, always ready to greet me with a drowsy "Morning~"

I reluctantly moved my personal belongings over as the minutes ticked off, passing the time when Pancake would walk in with her headphones and wave me a greeting, and then past the period where Cucumber and No. 1 GDGD would lazily trudge into the Medical Park and aggravate the Cat and Tig, resulting in some early morning laughter.

The Coin and the Running Nazi would then appear, and float past the Gloomy Room's door as they entered their own room. Mr. Soh would then stomp in behind them, earphones in and with a lethargic expression on his face. At 8.30AM, the Bigbang Fan would trot in cheerfully, and as I moved the last pen over, I looked at the Gloomy Room.

Empty.

At this time, Miss Sleuth would stomp into the Room, nod me a greeting with music blasting out of her headphones. The Tengster would come in a while later with the Claud, arguing with each other over some random matter or just gossiping about something or other. The Salty Couple would then make a grand entrance, and HX would switch on the fan and stand in front of it as though she's filming a music video, while the guy retreats to his seat and starts up his computer, sometimes in a daze from the lack of sleep. Finally, the Partner would run in and start to apologise profusely for her lateness, and automatically surrender 20 cents into the Nugget Fund as part of the Room's contractual agreement.

None of that happened today.

Instead, I was greeted by Joyson's mom in the morning, and later by the Kong - basic, familiar, yet missing something. Perhaps it is habit, since I had been watching the abovementioned scene unfold every workday for the past five months, a rather long time by any measure. I am one who prefers familiarity to novelty, and indeed I got used to the kids around me, screaming, laughing and generally just being themselves. Perhaps I had gotten too used to them, resulting in this strange sense of longing and nostalgia this morning. I admit, things were more exciting with them around, lessening the mundane rigidity of the work we were hired to do. Alas, all good things come to an end, and yesterday was that final period in their chapter.

May good luck guide your paths. :)

As the curtains drew to a close, certain emotions refused to leave, remaining confused, unsure. Furthermore, after what transpired last night, those same emotions strengthened their resolve to overstay their welcome, when it was high time for them to start leaving. Occasionally, I question my actions, and yesterday was one such time, but your reaction only transformed a quadratic equation to a bilinear integration problem. Perhaps you really do know me, or perhaps our paths were meant to diverge from the beginning. One thing however, is concrete.

Your actions paint a vivid yet ambiguous story.

Now I fully understand the meaning of "being too nice": suspension in a stateless limbo.

Feed the fish guys, before they die of sorrow. XD

Sunday, May 29, 2011

What Goes Around, Comes Around

My sister told me today that the particular someone from a dark period in my life had just ended her bond with the third variable in the equation. I shouldn't really care, but it just sparked something within my neural databanks, something Mr. A said to me when I gave it up and let her go.

"I will not falter," that's what he said. Look where you are now.

So I suppose it can be concluded that the problem didn't lie with me - it had always been on her side of the bridge. Now, I'm not gonna be a kitchen sinker and regurgitate all the negativities accumulated, I'm just going to be objective, in a to-verb form and that is specific, measurable and timebound.

You are just too difficult to co-exist with, even with decades of time.

I went through your professional blog earlier, and I'm appalled that even after all these years in SMU, your command of the English language only improved slightly. You didn't striked someone, you struck him. All the money that goes into your tuition fees and your linguistic skill still remains stagnant and unchanging? Speaks volumes.

Sure, we shared some good times, but you are still the one who forged the quagmire of darkness that exists to this day, and that is something I deeply resent. Nevertheless, that is all in the past, and I hope that you find someone with the ability to tolerate your many Mordorian idiosyncrasies.

At least for a longer time than the last one.

Feed the fish kids!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Psychological-Emotional Condition

So it came to my realisation that my emotional state of mind is inclined to follow a specific pattern, sort of like the acculturation cycle perpetuated by most anthropologists. I find myself digging the same hole, filling it up with the same muck, jumping into the horrible quagmire and ultimately dragging myself back up from the inky grave, only to revisit it again at some other point in time. It is probably a result of the Fatal Attraction Syndrome posited in an earlier post, and I figured that it would be nice (amongst other things) to detail this vicious cycle, maybe then I can do something about it.

The Six Stages of the Psychological-Emotional Condition

Stage 1 - The Status Quo
This is when I feel the most at ease with myself and everything that is going on within my locus of control; I am comfortable with my current status and state of affairs and see no dire need to alter it, although such desires exist on a subconscious level, however sealed away with sheer willpower and absence of an excuse to indulge those excesses.

The Guard is at its strongest.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Can't Nobody - 2NE1

Stage 2 - The Climb
This stage usually occurs when someone new appears in my life, or a past character walks back into my life. Coincidentally, this is also most likely when an instance of the Fatal Attraction Syndrome can be documented. As a morally-rigid and systematically-meticulous person, I feel my life start to shake on its foundations, my inhibitions start to release their limiters and I begin to do things outside of my normal purview. At this point in time, my outlook will be a mixture of darkness and sunshine, somewhere in between but never at the extremes.This Stage can be over in a matter of days, or drag on into months if the circumstances are unfavorable.

The Guard is wavering in its faith and duty.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: I Was Happy - Jo Sungmo

Stage 3 - The Crash
As with all things, what goes up, must come down, and I come down hard almost all the time. All the pent-up emotions, frustrations and feelings just erupt within myself and damage all systems, inflicting massive trauma on almost every fiber of my being. My mental state glazes over, and I find myself thinking of the "Whys", constantly questioning myself, even on matters that do not have any link whatsoever to the issue at hand. In a sense, I question my very existence, but usually leave that question as rhetorical as it is. It is in this Stage that observers will describe me as "emo", and my plentiful emotionally-charged Tweets and FB updates serve to cement their conclusions. Typically, this Stage lasts the longest, and is usually the most psychologically intense.

The Guard is disarmed and weakened, and opportunity exists for whatever it is guarding to slip through.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: You Wouldn't Answer My Calls - 2AM

Stage 4 - The Rebuild
As mentioned somewhere on this blog before, I sort of rebuild myself into a stronger person with each breakdown, and this happens in the Rebuild (arbitrary). In this Stage, pieces of me lost during the Crash start to return, and I slowly begin to pick myself up from the ruins of a shattered hope and restore myself to functionality. Sometimes it only takes a day, but typically, rebuilding is a lengthy process, and is prone to disruption from a multitude of factors, especially from the Key Aspect (KA).

The Guard repairs his armor and finds his sword, though threats loom in the background.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Again & Again - 2PM

Stage 5 - The Slide
This happens all the time, but the magnitude depends entirely on the KA and my attitude towards the KA. I slip a little back into the Crash-days, and wonder if things will be any different had I taken another route. Jealousy worms its treacherous ways into my thinking, and though easily dismissed, still manage to pop out from time to time to reinforce its ubiquitous message. Although it is not as bad as the Crash, it still messes with my psyche, and affects my daily interactions to a certain extent.

The Guard takes a fall, but maintains his footing with his sword.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: If - Taeyeon

Stage 6 - The Plateau
The final element of the Condition is by every measure the most positive, since it signifies an understanding with myself and a coming-to-terms with everything that has transpired since Stage 1. I usually find myself stronger, but not necessarily more resistant to emotional trepidations.

The Guard is back to its original state, more polished and heavier armored than before.

K-Pop Song descriptive of this Stage: Love Song - Big Bang

The Psychological-Emotional Condition can be summarised with the following chart:


It is at once pretty interesting and also rather saddening to note that I go through this all the time. Sheesh. Maybe now I will do something about it.

Well, we'll see how it goes.

As always, thanks for reading, let me know what you guys think in the Cbox or in the comments section and remember to feed the fish.

Good night.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Irony Loves Company

The Universe really is a fan of irony.

How many times have you heard someone say that something will not happen to him/her, and at the next moment, it really happens? Just hours before, I overheard this Jock-archetype character boasting about how clean his car was, and that he spent the GDP of a small Pacific island to do up his car and whatnot. Moments later, the car was subjected to a strafing run followed by a CAS and ended up with a bunker-buster, courtesy of the well-fed birds flying around my workplace. I only managed to contain a guffaw.

The point is, many a time when we wish for something to happen, it sure as heck will not, not even remotely. We strive for it, fight through piranha-infested waters for it, catch a grenade for it, throw our hands down on a blade for it, jump in front of a train for it, and the Scriptwriter still goes,"Hmm... Nah."

Occam's Razor states that the simplest explanation is usually the best, but the Razor simply doesn't apply when irony is involved. How else can you explain a full reversal of the current (well past if you think about it) situation only when you have decided to give it up and that no other factors exist at that point in time to even remotely suggest a change in the status quo? It is that weird, incredible and fantastic at the same time.

Before you academics publish full-scale research papers on the Razor and other theoretical models in the comments section to refute my point, this is just how I see it, and it is endorsed by me, myself and no one else. My opinions don't reflect those of any organisation I am affiliated with, nor does it constitute academia or established theorem. It is, simply put, an issue as viewed through my lens, and explained using a scientific model I thought best to represent this scenario.

The bottomline is, irony is a potent force in the Universe, and its omnipotence permeates every nook and cranny of life, crouching in the shadows, waiting for the exact, ironic moment to spring its lethal trap, at times to hilarity, but sometimes to devastating effect. So the next time you think of saying something that seems impossible to happen at that point in time, do it, and you might just see this latent force in action for yourself.

Thanks for reading, and remember to feed the fishes!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Misery Does Not Die

Feelings are a strange thing. You have no control over them, but they are capable of affecting your every thought, every move, and every decision. You cannot live without them, but living with them creates a tortured existence so excruciating that you are better off dead.

A thin line is all that separates the direction of those feelings: think of it as an a spark of antimatter, contained in the binding confines of a controlled vacuum, maintained precariously by supposedly-infallible electro-supermagnets. One wrong move, one accidental nudge, one malicious action, and the highly destructive substance will tumble out of its magnetic prison and obliterate anything and everything it touches.

I am sick of it, so sick of it in fact that the very thought of me going through this again makes me nauseated and sick to the stomach. I swear there's a colony of butterfly pupae in my stomach, ready to pop open at a moment's notice to remind me of my numerous affective predicaments. That said, I dug my own grave many a time, due to my lack of perception, or inaccuracy of my conclusions. Other times, however, are wrought by the second hand in the clapping equation, elements of a volatile sequence that cannot be excluded.

Maybe I should throw up more defensive walls, more rivers of sarcastic wit, more labyrinths of confusion and suppression. I just might while waiting for Her, and whoever you are, please appear soon, before I become a stoic simulacrum of the futility and desperation threatening to consume all of my heart.

Damn it.

A Peninsula Divided

To improve the academic integrity of this blog, henceforth I shall post up all my written papers and assignments done while earning my Bachelor's Degree.

First up, one from my Political Science module (of sorts).


“Political power grows out the barrel of a gun” – Communist Leader Mao Zedong

The annals of history have shown us the wisdom of the above quote, and even if it is slightly incendiary, the saying is not without reason or logic. Countries have risen and fallen by the sword, and then the bullet delivered most of the time from an external force; sometimes the shot which disintegrates the established political system comes from inside the nation, from the people most qualified to use it: the military. Despite essentially being one complete country, North and South Korea are not only divided by the 38th Parallel, but also alienated from each other over their emphasis on the military in the political climate, and it is this differing prominence – among other things – which poses a major obstacle to the Korean Peninsula’s long standing quest for reunification.

The Military as a Driving Force

It is at once remarkable and also saddening to note that both North and South Korea are under different political regimes, have different states of development as well as dissimilar levels of societal progress, although they are by and large a single country divided into two by an artificial but fiercely guarded line across the 38th Parallel. The main focus of this paper, however, is the position the military has with regards to the political structure of the two Koreas, for each has their own unique take on the role of the military within national politics.

Before delving deeper into the Korean peninsula, it is important to understand why the military is such a formidable force, inside politics and otherwise. Since the rudimentary beginnings of humanity, the military remains a pivotal force in any civilization. Empires were carved out using strength executed by a technologically superior and highly-disciplined armed forces, and many instances in history have showcased the tremendous effect an efficient military has on the people they were turned loose on. Genghis Khan did not cut a swath of destruction through Central Asia using diplomacy and political connections; he created one of the largest empires in the world by the might of the Mongol army, a force that was respected, feared, and frighteningly efficient at what it was established to accomplish.

Governments were overthrown, reinstated, and then overthrown again by their own militaries, proving that the armed forces have the clout and might of a potent political institution to destroy or create governmental regimes. In current times, military dictatorship is still ubiquitous and very real to the people of Mauritania, a small African country of three million which recently reversed itself from a democratic institution after a military removal of the civilian president. Since its independence, the tiny nation has endured an incredible nine coup d'états (Hochman, 2009), and the penultimate coup was supposed to be the one to end all military takeovers, which is ironic since the latest takeover restored the militaristic regime.

In the United States of America, the military plays a sizeable role in society. Out of America’s 43 presidents, 12 were formerly from the military (Global Role of Military in Politics, 2004), the latest being Dwight D. Eisenhower after his stellar performance in the Second World War. US servicemen are also given a significant amount of admiration for their occupation, something extraordinary for a civil servant. This suggests that the military is generally a highly-respected unit within society, and that it is one of the few organizations within the country that is both self-contained and independent – to a certain degree – from the machinations of the political climate.

Why is the military such a powerful force? The key principle lies in the quality of its organization, which, by modern standards, is both cohesive and hierarchical; even the most ragtag or badly-maintained armies are many times the organizational and structural superior of any civilian group (Finer, 1962). This can be traced to the army’s perceived role: to fight and win wars and it can only perform this task well if its command is centralized enough and authority flows down the upper echelons to the obedient rank-and-file both fluidly and lucidly. Indeed, the convention of obedience has to be underscored, as it stems from the army’s primary purpose to win wars, and a battle plan can only be properly planned and executed if obedience existed within the ranks (Finer, 1962).

The military thus becomes a separate, disciplined organization in itself, an organ of the main country if you will, an inseparable part of the greater body. If the country does not exist, there is no need for the army to subsist and vice versa: if the military was absent, the country would in due course be swept into the territorial boundaries of a superior nation. The military as an entity has such power to move and to change, and as mentioned earlier, is more than capable of demolishing a political administration.

To add on, the military has the opinion that the onus is on them to remove the current regime from power when they deem the civilian government too weak, and that it is their right, and even their duty, to do so (Hochman, 2009). Moreover, as stated by Dafna Hochman, a former foreign policy advisor in the US Senate, the sheer structural integrity of the military as a construct makes it the only institution capable of dealing with disasters and policy challenges. The role of the military cannot be construed, and North Korea marries the military and central leadership of the nation into one comprehensive political structure, the fates of both branches thus forever entwined.

Military-First Politics

North Korea, or the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) as it is formally known, is one of the five remaining nations in the world still proclaiming themselves communist even after the fall of the Soviet Union, although their ideas have generally changed over the years as the promises of socialism failed to deliver. North Korea is a highly militarized and staunchly totalitarian state, with the current Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il controlling every aspect of life: from the economy to education and from culture to national legislature. Kim accomplishes this feat of total control over his country through the one entity that is united and powerful enough to support his means and achieve his ends: the Korean People’s Army (KPA).

Yet, the DPRK was not always this militarized in the past. During the reign of Kim Il Sung (1912 – 1994), he emphasized the model of juche ideology, the idea of self-reliance, which broadly meant that the masses – not the army – can only be revolutionary under the leadership and command of a Suryong, or great leader (Kim, 2006). His son however, saw the importance of the armed forces in his quest for total control of both the government and then the rest of the country, and began to change the political landscape in North Korea to songun chongchi, or military-first politics.

Once Kim Jong Il was in power, he quickly expanded the scope of his vision. Indeed, the attention afforded to the armed forces can be seen when he gave a wristwatch to all military personnel (and none to the political parties) on the 60th anniversary of the KPA’s founding, showing just how much Kim Jong Il valued his soldiers and the military machine in general (Kim, 2006). The ruling party in North Korea for the past four decades, the Korean Worker’s Party (KWP), saw its power begin to wane and eventually diminish to near nothingness as Kim Jong Il consolidated his control of the struggling nation.

The KPA ranks highly in North Korea society, in no small part due to Kim Jong Il’s expansion of the military’s involvement in politics. The KPA holds a number of roles in the nation: being the deliverer and provider, the problem solver, the engine for social engineering, the creator and advancer of culture, the synthesis of body-mind-spirit and also the exemplar in addition to its intrinsic defense duties (Park, 2008). Although the aforementioned titles may come across as superfluous and flamboyant, multiple studies exist to examine and confirm the military’s involvement in society.

Kim Jong Il recognized that the military is more organized and better disciplined than its KWP counterpart, and that the army was made up of the younger populace of society, unlike the aging bureaucrats, and therefore more responsive to his imperatives (Kim, 2006). Furthermore, the KPA is patriotic and ready to give their lives for the country at a moment’s notice. Additionally, by promoting loyalists to key positions in the armed forces, Kim strengthened his control of the military, at the same time replacing the KWP with the KPA under the military-first banner (Gause, 2006). The nature of this shift to the military was made crystal in the 1998 constitutional amendments, which made Kim Jong Il the chairman of the National Defense Commission - essentially the high command of the North Korean armed forces – but in effect had destroyed the party-based political system and transferred all real power to the military. A Japanese journalist went so far as to call Kim Jong Il’s actions a military coup, since the military is usually subordinate to the ruling party in Soviet-era communist regimes (Kim, 2006). After the amendments however, the military was in fact so influential that it is above the state, and it was able to direct KWP matters as its superior (Kim, 2006), not its subordinate nor its equal. The nation was in fact turned into an enormous military stronghold commanded by the KPA. Furthermore, to cement that revamped focus in power, in the event of the death of the Great Leader, the party or the state itself will not assume control of the country: the military institution will rule in his stead.

In addition, an internal publication within the country once mentioned that “military-first politics is a cure all in this era of ideological, military and economic confrontation with the imperialists”, (Kim, 2006) driving home the point that the military in North Korea is first and foremost the foreman of the nation, just one step below that of the Great Leader who controls the military, effectively demonstrating that in the DPRK, the military is directly involved in national policy, being only secondary to Kim Jong Il.

Kim Jong Il has also tied the nation’s economic capacity with military supremacy, meaning that both economic advantage and military growth are strongly intertwined (Byung, 2005). Even if the country has been in severe economic crisis for past decades, the armed forces are still maintained as one of the largest in the world at 1.2 million regular personnel, and had flexed its nuclear arm power by testing atomic weapons twice (Jung, 2010). Policymaking under military-first politics have been, and still is, dominated by a guns or butter dilemma, and it would seem that the focus is still on the procurement of more weapons than on measures designed to improve the ailing economy (Foster-Carter, 2004).

Inevitably, many believe that it is this emphasis on the armed forces that led to the sinking of the ROKS Cheonan, and Mr. Ra Jong-Yil – former Security Advisor to former South Korean president Mr. Roh Moo-Hyun – states that the overarching political influence of the military establishment along with North Korea’s ongoing dire economical problems may make it difficult for Kim Jong Il to control the “internal dynamics of the regime” (Ra). North Korea does not have many options left, and given its problems both on the homefront and with the international community regarding its nuclear programme, it might run out of alternatives and choose to run with its guns instead, driven by its military-first political system coalesced with the traditional purpose of a military’s establishment.

Indeed, as Kim Il Sung’s third-generation of dynastic succession comes of age, the regime has sought to reconfirm and even strengthen its songun chongchi, pinning a general’s badge on the chest of Kim Jong-Un, and reiterating to the world that in order to control North Korea, the leader must first be in command of the military (Jung, 2010).

As songun chongchi rolls into its 16th year since its inauguration, it still remains to be seen if the new Great Leader will place a greater emphasis on economic development than on military spending. One detail is certain: military-first politics has been reaffirmed as North Korea’s principal political force, but it is also one major hurdle in the way of the elusive concept of reunification with the South.

From Consolidation to Fragmentation

Where military influence is combined with the political structure in the North, a polar opposite is witnessed in South Korea, where military control is fragmented and uncombined into the overall control scheme of politics in South Korea (Kim, 1984). As the more affluent Korea on the peninsula, South Korea is interesting as it owes the results of its success to an authoritarian regime in its history, which ironically also led to the regime’s own downfall. This chapter will be revisited to trace the South Korean military’s progress, or rather decline, down the political food chain.

Upon the division of Korea along the 38th Parallel, both the USSR and the USA instituted different forms of government upon the Koreans under their jurisdiction. North Korea became communist, and is still communist to this day. The South on the other hand, went through a roller coaster ride of political systems, finally culminating in the presidential republic of today.

Korea as a whole was ruled by a monarchy before the Japanese annexation in the years preceding World War 2, and during the latter times the Japanese governed Korea with a repressive, authoritarian regime. As such, the South was plainly ill-equipped to deal with its newfound freedom during the US occupation, or more specifically, the USA-brand of liberal democracy (Yung, 2004). Lacking the political custom of democracy in general, the foreign-imported First Republic quickly devolved into an authoritarian administration led by the strongman Syngman Rhee as its president.

Things however did not go well for Rhee as he progressively resorted to overt force to obtain his desires, and was forced into exile when students demonstrated against his regime in response to a blatant act of vote-rigging in supposedly fair elections (Saxer, 2002). As the winds of change died down, the dictatorial government in South Korea was replaced by a parliamentary system headed by a Prime Minister. Nevertheless, this new system of governing was too weak and was promptly removed in a military coup d'état led by General Park Chun-Hee, ushering in an era of military involvement in politics as well as strong economic growth (Saxer, 2002).

The army had surfaced as the strongest organization in society after the Korean War, and it was with this strength that the democratic institution in South Korea was crushed. In the thirty years of military rule, the South Korean economy and society as a whole were essentially altered: society diversified, class forces grew and became better organized and the democratic orientation of the population strengthened (Yung, 2004), all in the backdrop of a rapidly improving GNP and economic success (Saxer, 2002). These seemingly advantageous points however, had dire ramifications for the military as the years progressed: it was no longer the most powerful nor the strongest organization in society.

As the 1990s rolled along, and the South Koreans grew more receptive of democracy, which almost always came with positive capitalism, the authoritarian dictatorship became a victim of its own economic success (Shin, 1999). Granted, under military leadership, South Korea’s economy grew at an average of 10% a year, but it also led to an expanding of the middle class, which in turn increased their demand for participation in the political process. It was the non-existence of economic problems that the table could be cleared for talks by the players of democracy, and the transition was to take a long, narrow but eventual path. It was also on this conduit that South Korea passed the threshold of “no return” (Kim, 1998), that there were simply no other plausible alternatives to democracy, and no institution – the military inclusive – can object to the actions of popularly-elected policymakers. Economic success thus proved to be the blade severing the thread of authoritarian regimes in South Korea, and also contributed to the overall fragmentation of military-political involvement.

In fact, in 1993, Kim Young-Sam, the first civilian president in more than three decades of military rule, realized it was pertinent to consolidate his power against the military, to astutely establish civilian supremacy over the militarily institution (Shin, 1999). Upon his appointment, he sacked the upper echelons of the military with links to former presidents, especially the ones belonging to past authoritarian regimes. Throughout his term, Kim took measures to curtail the power of the military, from outlawing factions to combating corruption, in particular concerning promotions within the army. By that time however, the military had mellowed somewhat, with no expressly overt motives for political gain and a redirection of their emphasis back to their main mission of external defense, spurred on by the very existence of the DPRK. As 1995 came into being, Kim Young-Sam had accomplished his mission and firmly established civilian preeminence over the military as a result of his wide-reaching efforts (Shin, 1999). The military was no longer directly involved in South Korean politics.

The South Korean military is still a viable and powerful force today, with a regular force of 3.7 million personnel, and has the second highest number of soldiers per capita, just after North Korea (Cordesman & Kleiber, 2006). It still exerts influence on modern politics and former officers still permeate vital areas of society and the political landscape, mainly due to its ongoing conflict with the DPRK (the two nations are still technically at war), leading to a more critical accent on the military and its defense efforts (Yung, 2004). Yet, the military is now undersized and underdeveloped as opposed to other, more civilian, sectors of society – a stark contrast to the authoritarian years – and that in itself manifests the South’s pseudo-philosophy on political power, that it will never again be wrought by sheer, brute force.

The current president Mr. Lee Myung-Bak in 2009 stated that the South Korean military was to be a more global force for a swift response to emergent threats outside of the normal locus of control and also to match the nation’s economic power (Jung, 2009). Although the government seems to be shifting its priorities back to the military, it is of the essence to note that its motives are mainly to protect its economic interests both from external forces and also from North Korea, which had been developing its asymmetrical military capability (Jung, 2009). The DPRK has been showing signs of instability in recent years, and the move to bolster the South’s defenses would invariably be linked to this ongoing, omnipresent threat, not ostensibly to renew its emphasis on the military machine.

Conclusion

An enduring goal on the Korean peninsula would be the removal of the 38th Parallel, essentially a reunification of the North and South. Although some might agree with the union on the basis of restoring cultural ties and national identity, others are skeptical of this ultimate ambition. For one, the DPRK’s economy is in shambles, and even if South Korea is Asia’s fourth largest economy (Cordesman & Kleiber, 2006), it would still be an uphill struggle to bring the North back up from the abyss of economic ruin while trying to maintain its own foothold in an increasingly competitive regional and international market. Economics aside, the two Koreas are still, and will be for a long while, divided over the role of the military in politics.

While the North advocates a military first and foremost policy, the South is against the consolidation of military power, as evidenced by the political weakening and fragmentation of the South Korean military. If reunification was to happen, both sides would have to reach a compromise regarding the military, and it would not be in the realm of simplicity due to the fact that North Korea has its political structure with the military in the center, and if that element was forcibly removed, the entire construct would dissolve into chaos, anarchy, and perhaps even into nuclear winter. Subsequently, the North Korean citizens, after so many years of totalitarian rule, will also experience culture shock, and will undoubtedly have a tough time reintegrating into the greater Korean society, causing problems to all levels of the societal spectrum. For the South, the thought of returning to quasi-military rule is unacceptable, in theory at least, with a stout majority opposing military administration (Shin, 1999). South Korea has seen its fair share of oppressive regimes and authoritarian rule, and has endured the strenuous process of dismantling the power base of the military. No doubt, in the eyes of many, the military still has positive societal value, but it will always be in charge of the nation’s defense and little else. Therefore, the South Koreans would ostensibly be opposed to a military-first political system and opt to maintain their present presidential republic, and relegate the military to its clear and present goal: defense.

Although the prospect of reunification is by no means uncertain, it is still a long way off, and unless the two Koreas can reach a mutual understanding for their beliefs in the military, the 38th Parallel will continue to invisibly partition the peninsula in two, with two different takes on the classic conflict of the soldier and the state.

3577 Words

Works Cited

“Global Role of Military in Politics.” World Association for International Studies. 9 Feb. 2004. 29 Mar. 2011 <http://wais.stanford.edu/Politics/politics_globalrolemilitary.htm>

Byung, Chul Koh,. “Military-First Politics” and Building a Powerful And Prosperous Nation” in North Korea. Policy Forum Online. 14 Apr. 2005. Nautilus Institute. 29 Mar. 2011.

Cordesman, Anthony H., and Kleiber, Martin. “The Asian Conventional Military Balance in 2006: Overview of major Asian Powers”. Centre for Strategic and International Studies. 6 June, 2006. 29 Mar. 2011.

Finer, S.E. The Man on Horseback: the Role of the Military in Politics. London: Pall Mall Press, 1962.

Foster-Carter, Aidan. “North Korea chooses guns over butter.” Asia Times Online. 1 Apr. 2004. 29 Mar. 2011 <http://www.atimes.com/atimes/Korea/FD01Dg04.html>

Gause, Ken. E. “North Korean Civil-Military Trends: Military-First Politics to a Point.” Strategic Studies Institute. Sep. 2006. U.S Army War College. 29 Mar. 2011.

Hochman, Dafna. “Civil-Military Power Struggles: The Case of Mauritania.” Current History (May 2009): 221 – 226

Jung, Sung-Ki. “N. Korea seeks to bolster military-first policy.” The Korea Times. 29 Sept. 2010. 29 Mar. 2011.

Jung, Sung-Ki. “Lee Touts Global Role of Military.” The Korea Times. 01 Jan. 2009. 29 Mar. 2011.

Kim, C.I. Eugene. “Civil-Military Relations in the Two Koreas.” Armed Forces & Society 11.1 (1984). 29 Mar. 2011

Kim, Ilpyong J. “Kim Jong Il’s Military-First Politics.” North Korea: the politics of regime survival. Ed. Young Whan Kihl and Hong Nack Kim. East Gate, 2006. 59 – 73.

Kim, Yong-Ho. “Korea.” Political Party Systems And Democratic Development in East And Southeast Asia Volume II: East Asia. Ed. Wolfgang Sachsenroder and Ulrike E. Frings. Vermont: Ashgate Publishing Company, 1998. 132 – 178.

Park, Han. S. “Military-First Politics (Songun): Understanding Kim Jong-Il’s North Korea.” Korea Economic Institute. 2008. 29 Mar. 2011.

Ra, Jong-Yil. “North Korea’s ‘Military First Politics Are Behind Recent Attacks.” The Huffington Post. 26 Nov. 2010. 29 Mar. 2011. >

Saxer, Carl J. From transition to power alternation: democracy in South Korea. Great Britain: Routledge, 2002.

Shin, To-chol. Mass Politics and culture in democratizing Korea. Singapore: Kin Keong Printing Co, 1999.

Yung, Myung Kim. “Patterns of Military Rule and Prospects for Democracy in South Korea.” The Military and Democracy in Asia and the Pacific. Canberra: ANU E Press, 2004. ANU E Press. 29 Mar. 2011.