Sweepstakes

Even now as I pour over my books, notes and notes of notes to cram in some last-minute information for tomorrow's assay, I'm preoccupied with other thoughts - some positive, a portion negative but mostly neutral and random. Sometimes I wish I had a more generic "guy's" brain: no long drawn-out thinking process, no calculation of every possible outcome along with their specific countermeasures as well as the absence of the tendency to pre-empt anything and everything. Nevertheless, some higher power has blessed me with this model of grey matter, so I've got to use it the best I can. Besides, what other choice have I got?

We should be cognizant about what is realistic, specific and measurable, in order not to step into patches of quicksand that are remorse and regret. It is alright to dream, dreams are what give you drive during your waking hours, no matter the acceleration and direction of that drive. It is however, pertinent to recognize that the importance of snapping out of a dream and dropping back into cruel reality. It won't do you any good to stay in a permanent dream, as good dreams are wont to do. The occasional daydream of the "what-ifs" are great, only if you remember to withdraw from it at the end and return yourself to the "now". It is a difficult task, yet it can be surmounted with practice, and a whole lot of discipline.

On the same note, I noticed that a lot of people around me always muse about the "what-ifs" of a given situation. They go on about if they had put in that little more effort into their project, they would have gotten a better grade, if they had woken up a little earlier they wouldn't have been late, etc. Strangely, most - if not all - of the "what-ifs" I've heard recently are always accompanied by a "little" within the same sentence. For example:

"If I had been a little more careful, I wouldn't have made that careless mistake on the exam. Damn it."

Hindsight is always better than foresight, no matter the circumstances. Plan as you may, account for errors if you must, things will still manage to go wrong. That is just the brand of irony this universe so favours. How many times have you seen cars breaking down on the most crucial of days, how many printers inexplicably failing before a major deadline or better yet, the absence of a taxicab when you desperately need one? I've been on the receiving end of that too many times, seeing the comprehensive planning disintegrate before my eyes because of a freak incident or an event which evaded my predictive radar. Now, I still plan a lot, but allow room for these "eventualities", as I feel that if you prepare for their existence, you are prepared for them even if you cannot have prepared for them. :D

So to the people around me fretting or fussing over their own planning/coordinating commitments, take a step back, observe the situation, take in the current process and allow yourself space to breathe. Even if things do go awry, at least your highly detailed and comprehensive plan will be able to project a professional image to whichever audience you're targeting, even if a war is raging backstage.

It could be time, or it could be the happenings in my life, but the feeling is dissipating, albeit at the pace of a snail drenched in peanut butter circumnavigating a spherical minefield dispersed in a beta pattern. Despite that, deep down, I still wish for her to drop me a message, to wish me good luck for my paper tomorrow.

What wishful thinking, she probably forgot all about it.

In the sweepstakes of life, my coupon has yet to be drawn.

Feed the fish kids. :)

The Red Pill or the Blue Pill

Today's lesson went unexpectedly well, with a very-organised and relatively-disciplined Kids Group and a cooperative Adults Group. Looks like segmentation worked, spilting the entire swarm up into two general categories allowed our limited manpower and equipment to be utilized to the fullest.

Still, as per Murphy's Law, things managed to happen. A kid ran into a pillar while being chased by seven others, and parents complained that their kids were not getting enough playtime. Accidents happen, and we can't be responsible if your kid slips on a piece of tissue paper and breaks his fragile head. All necessary and general precautions have been addressed, and if fate decreed that your kid smash his head into this pillar, it would take nothing short of the finger of God to cushion the impact. Thankfully, the child's parent laughed it off as a play-related mishap and not one of malicious intent.

As for the insufficient playtime, we have way too many kids to cater to, and in order for them to experience a big game with multiple players, we had to cut short their smaller, more cohesive team-based games. The kids didn't seem to mind, but the parents - ever vultures - noticed that their children were not getting the same treatment as the rest, and they paid the same price. Singaporean kiasuism even permeates something as unconventional as Nerf. After some explanation, the parents just wanted their kids to have fun and play, and was only asking for the rationale behind the shortened game time. There you have it, we have too many registered participants.

As a whole, today went extremely well, and I wish for this to continue, even if I'm running out of steam, motivation and encouragement. I'll live.

I read through my previous blog posts earlier today, and realised that the style of writing hasn't really changed. Yes, it is still flamboyant at times, but as compared to the posts of say 2006, I have toned down a lot. No longer do I use six different descriptives in the same sentence, and nowadays I hardly use vocabulary unrecognizable from Greek. One thing remains constant however, and is coincidentally the blog's primary driving force: emo posts.

Writing emo posts is just a way for me to vent frustration and unhappiness, like how some people punch the walls to relieve their anger, or how others shout out to the sea to eradicate their pent-up sorrow and stress. Instead of bottling it all up, which is bad according to certain prominent people around me, I pen those emotionally-charged thoughts and feelings down into this little weblog, one for further review, two for keeping record and three for others to have a glimpse of what goes through my cranium. So instead of asking me to stop writing emo stuff, try to encourage me to pour my heart out, as the more I write, the better I will feel in reality - it is just how I function. :)

As I scrolled through post after post, I found out that I write in very different lights under different circumstances. The post can be extremely flattering for the person mentioned, but the same person can also be written about in an utterly depreciating manner in a later post. I frighten myself sometimes.

Observation: we tend to want to confide in someone close to our heart whenever we're stricken with a crisis, hazard or threat, and want to let the other person know about the entire situation, even if she cannot do a thing about it, or doesn't understand the context at all. This manifested earlier, when those PR disasters emerged from the deep. I wanted to text you, to tell you how frustrated I was, how annoying those parents were, just to elicit a reply, even if it was something as shallow or simple as "Haha". My Berry actually came out of its holster, my left thumb scrolled to the appropriate screen, and with bated breath the other fingers were poised to commence the construction of a text message.

I stayed my hand.

For too long, the process has been lopsided. For too long, everything only happens from my end. For too long, I have pointlessly waited for the change which never came. You said plenty of stuff, but rarely did you carry those words through, leaving me to pine, to hope, to rot.

One message, or one call.

That's all that I ask for.

It will be an indication which speaks volumes, from which I will know when to release my grip.

When to give it all up.

When to let it all go.

So, if you're reading this, just send me one message, and from its content I will judge if I will carry on with hope or to let everything go with sorrowful despair.

Feed the fish kids. :)

Wedding Dress (Spartan's Version)

As most of you might know, I'm a great fan of this gem of a K-Pop song, and as such I've written my own version of it in the spirit and direction of the original. Credit goes to Taeyang for producing and performing such a wonderful masterpiece of aural perfection.

Yes, it is written for someone in mind. Enjoy~

***

Some say it’s not over till it’s over.

I guess it’s really over now.

I got something I gotta say before I let you go,

So, listen.

Every time I think about it,

Every time I would cry.

When I remember all the good times that we had.

I only want to make your wildest dreams come true.

That is the only thing that will make me complete.

I’m afraid that you might start to treat me differently,

When you know that the feelings I have for you are indeed clandestine.

I hold back my tears,

My heart shattered to pieces.

I pray that you would just look at me.

Baby, give me a chance to show that I love you.

Cuz you should be my lady

All that matters is your sweet embrace.

When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so don’t go

Stay with me and let us grow old.

Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.

I didn’t have the courage to tell you

Nor did I ever try.

You really ignored all the small things that I did.

I really should have just told, told, told you so.

But right now everything is just impossible.

All this time while you were sitting right there by my side,

All I could do was only to show you my other side.

I guess it’s too late,

Nothing more will change.

I just hope that you will keep on smiling.

Baby, give me a chance to show that I love you

Cuz you should be my lady

All that matters is your sweet embrace.

When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so don’t go

Stay with me and let us grow old.

Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.

Baby girl you can forget,

All the memories that we shared.

But please don’t completely erase me out of your heart

I know that it’s difficult and unfair to you since you did no wrong but, no~

When the music ends, you will start to walk out from my life forever.

My heart is screaming out so please don’t go

And stay with me till we grow old.

Let me see you in your wedding dress, dress, dress

Oh see you in your wedding dress (with me right next to you)

Let me see you in your wedding dress

Oh no.

***

Up, up here we go...

A lazy scorpion crisscrossed across the scorching desert sand, its spiny arachnid legs creating interweaving lines across the strangely smooth sheet of grainy particles, drawing a fleeting pattern lasting only an instant, quickly erased back to nothingness by the unforgiving wind. A human figure lay face down in the brownish grime, unmoving, unyielding, yet very much alive. With a painful groan and a forceful heave, the human raised himself from the sheetlike particles, head hung low, eyes shut. He exhaled explosively, clumps of sand mixed with saliva erupting from his gagging maw. A while later, all is calm, and the human slowly stands on his battered feet, a little wobbly at first, but managing to execute a perfect stance once his muscles regained their lifelong memories.

The human looks up: an endless clear blue sky, however marred by the dark, orange-tinged plume of thick black smoke streaking across the otherwise tranquil stratosphere. His eyes begin to track the atmospheric anomaly, making contact with a huge, burning object at the end of the smoky trail.

A starship.

In an instant, the damaged hulk made landfall, impacting into the ground several miles from where the human stood, throwing up plumes of dune sand a hundred feet high and fifty across, while simultaneously transforming into a massive fireball of tremendous heat and fiery death. Debris rained down around the doomed ship, dotting the tragic landscape with millions of sometimes-microscopic shrapnel falling at two times the speed of sound. For the creatures inhabiting that particular piece of real estate that day, the Rapture never seemed so real.

The human watched in awe, shock, and despair. He knew where that ship had come from, knew its purpose, knew its crew. At this moment however, he knew that he was lucky to be alive -probably saved an orphanage of kittens in his past life to deserve such a fortunate fate. As the flames onboard the wrecked starship started to fade, the human turned around and prepared to leave.

He paused.

A single tear dropped from each haggard eye, traversed the distance between optic and ground, and seeped deep into the shifting desert sand, never to surface, never to be found again. Steeling himself, the human lifted his head up high, teary eyes ablaze with confidence and passion, ready to face the challenges ahead. In the distance, he could barely make out the looming hulk of a Leviathan-class battlecruiser, his ride off this accursed desert, and also his only ticket off this god-forsaken land which held many terrible, painful memories.

All things must end, and new ones must begin.

The human turned to take one final look at the now smoldering carcass of the fallen vessel, a mere shadow of its former, glorious self. No matter, the new one would be better. The human turned towards the Leviathan, and began the long journey towards the magnificent starship, and ultimately, towards the stars.

Up, up here we go, where we will stop, nobody knows.

***

Feed the fish. :)