It's funny, when I feel perky and relatively awake, I don't wanna pen down a single word in this blog. But when I feel glazed over, tired and lethargic, the dams just break down on their own and unleash torrential tsunamis of literary produce into my long-forsaken web log.
First of all, Merry Christmas my dear readers. :)
What a year it has been, or rather, what a half-year it has been, since the beginning of the year was mundane and recital, boring. What made 2009 memorable was the second half, when things along and around my locus of control went on a roller-coaster ride. Thrilling yes, but at the plunge, your heart threatens to pop out of the protective confines of the rib-cage, jerking me back to those times. I thought I had felt the last of those sordid emotions for a while, but the Scriptwriter had other ideas.
How much longer must this continue? My emotions will hold, but I don't know how long they can hold for much longer.
Where Is She?
I don't wanna make the same mistake as before, don't wanna commit to something I have little confidence for. It just isn't fair, for Her mostly, not much for me. I don't want that to happen. I have to be 100% sure before I take the next step. All the distractions, all the temptation, I have resisted. However the question remains: for how long?
Please, appear soon. Till then, I'll live my life the way it is for the past 21 years.
In emotional solitude.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Struggle
A few months into any relationship, the girl would inevitably tell the guy, "Don't lie to me". The guy would - in the budding dizzying throes of romantic passion - say to the girl, "I promise".
That is the first time a guy will lie to his girl.
If this sounds familiar, it is because I came across this particular exchange on a video clip viewed online, albeit in an entirely converse context and setting. Russell Peters may have meant it as a joke, poking fun at the generalities of male and female, but the sad truth remains: promises are made to be broken.
How many times have you heard your friend complaining about the late-night exploits of her boyfriend with her exclusion, the seeming lack of attention stemming from prolonged proximity or the sudden and drastic drop in interest towards maintaining the relationship? It is difficult getting along with another human being of the same gender, much less another homosapien from the opposite gender. Being diversely different polarities, most guys cannot understand how the typical girl thinks, and vice versa. It takes time to forge a solid relationship based on trust and mutual assurance, and if done correctly with the utmost care and patience, that relationship will be long-lasting and fiduciary.
The union of two is a noble, wonderful thing, yet many guys (sadly) take the opposite gender for granted. To our credit, there are girls who do the same thing, but the trend is still against the more masculine (somewhat) gender. Many times have I seen girls being dumped by their guys, some shortly into the new relationship, others destroyed after surrendering years of their time, youth and innocence. At times, I question them: are those guys worth your effort, your trouble to please? Hesitation will precede either outright disagreement or eventual consensus.
Such is the paradox of the concept of Love.
I've heard my daughter cry for the second time in two weeks.
My other friend's on-off relationship with her guy bristles the hair on my back.
Idiots pestering a perplexed Sister of mine, while the apple of her eye continues to evade her.
Such is the Struggle.
I do not mind being alone, but my heart says 'No'.
Such is the torment of existence.
That is the first time a guy will lie to his girl.
If this sounds familiar, it is because I came across this particular exchange on a video clip viewed online, albeit in an entirely converse context and setting. Russell Peters may have meant it as a joke, poking fun at the generalities of male and female, but the sad truth remains: promises are made to be broken.
How many times have you heard your friend complaining about the late-night exploits of her boyfriend with her exclusion, the seeming lack of attention stemming from prolonged proximity or the sudden and drastic drop in interest towards maintaining the relationship? It is difficult getting along with another human being of the same gender, much less another homosapien from the opposite gender. Being diversely different polarities, most guys cannot understand how the typical girl thinks, and vice versa. It takes time to forge a solid relationship based on trust and mutual assurance, and if done correctly with the utmost care and patience, that relationship will be long-lasting and fiduciary.
The union of two is a noble, wonderful thing, yet many guys (sadly) take the opposite gender for granted. To our credit, there are girls who do the same thing, but the trend is still against the more masculine (somewhat) gender. Many times have I seen girls being dumped by their guys, some shortly into the new relationship, others destroyed after surrendering years of their time, youth and innocence. At times, I question them: are those guys worth your effort, your trouble to please? Hesitation will precede either outright disagreement or eventual consensus.
Such is the paradox of the concept of Love.
I've heard my daughter cry for the second time in two weeks.
My other friend's on-off relationship with her guy bristles the hair on my back.
Idiots pestering a perplexed Sister of mine, while the apple of her eye continues to evade her.
Such is the Struggle.
I do not mind being alone, but my heart says 'No'.
Such is the torment of existence.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Jerks
Seriously, why can't people just leave each other alone?
Why must they comment so much on another person's decisions?
Comment is one thing, inflammatory remarks are whole new incendiary substances all together.
I don't usually get angry or even incensed, heck I rarely even get pissed off, but this is the final straw that broke my overstrained, overburdened and much-abused back. Time and time again, I keep getting exposed to the same insensitive, ultra-egoistic and totally unnecessary remarks which could be kept in your own sorry, black hearts.
Why, is it a MUST to follow set paths to achieve a certain accomplishment? Is it some penultimate, non-verbal social RULE that everyone of us must follow in order to look 'normal'?
What incredulous nonsensical idiotic ubiquitous gibberish!
Are you still living in the time of the M1 Garand, where everything is state-controlled and society-policed? We are now in the era of the XM8, old ideals are constantly being flushed out, discarded, and replaced by newer, fresher and more revolutionary dogma. Time to move on people, the world is constantly evolving, and I think your cranium matter should do the same, however difficult that task may be for some of you.
Insults, sadly, are part and parcel of life, especially within this stage of a Singaporean boy's life. Over time, some form of immunity or resistance will have built up in response to the daily barrage of expletives and blood-boiling statements hurled your way. As with everything, there is an exception. There will come a time when too much is just too much, and enough is really enough, and all that pent-up anger and angst will erupt and devastate the trigger, the catalyst and everything else in between. Short-fused people will experience this more, and it is not necessarily a bad thing.
Thing is, some jackasses just don't know when to stop. Either they are too dense to notice that their words are causing some form of unseen, deep-seated and delayed-damage psychological hurt on the person or they are simply too ignorant to cease and desist. Perhaps some of them have latent mental retardation, some unknown genetic disease or maybe a combination of both. I would pity these people, but they probably deserved it.
One last thing before I end this angsty post, I don't require validation from lesser beings with regards to my OWN, PERSONAL life choices. They are, for goodness' sake, MY OWN GOD DAMNED LIFE CHOICES. I don't need you people to show me your personal point of view via insulting me for making a "mistake" or ridiculing me for taking the easy way out. Scoldings and blamings and insults coming from a bunch of Neanderthals who just started on the journey I completed a long time ago. Utterly ridiculous. Even my parents don't do this shit, what gives you the right to question my decisions?
YOU sub-humans only see the surface of the situation, the mere tip of the whole iceberg. You have no idea what lay beneath that decision, what factors shaped and moulded it, what sacrifices that had to be made. Going around accusing others based on your own selfish assumptions, and going on and on and on about it for God knows how long, you think its very cool? Well, screw you if you think that way. If you're not tired by the ad nauseum, I, for one, am.
And for goodness' sake, I've already BEEN THERE and DONE THAT, a long time ago, probably when you guys were still screwing up your own sorry lives. I have accomplished what I have set out to do, what I have planned for myself, which is more than I can say for most of you out there.
Silence might mean consent, but silence can also mean burning anger.
Speak to me only after you have accomplished what I have.
Why must they comment so much on another person's decisions?
Comment is one thing, inflammatory remarks are whole new incendiary substances all together.
I don't usually get angry or even incensed, heck I rarely even get pissed off, but this is the final straw that broke my overstrained, overburdened and much-abused back. Time and time again, I keep getting exposed to the same insensitive, ultra-egoistic and totally unnecessary remarks which could be kept in your own sorry, black hearts.
Why, is it a MUST to follow set paths to achieve a certain accomplishment? Is it some penultimate, non-verbal social RULE that everyone of us must follow in order to look 'normal'?
What incredulous nonsensical idiotic ubiquitous gibberish!
Are you still living in the time of the M1 Garand, where everything is state-controlled and society-policed? We are now in the era of the XM8, old ideals are constantly being flushed out, discarded, and replaced by newer, fresher and more revolutionary dogma. Time to move on people, the world is constantly evolving, and I think your cranium matter should do the same, however difficult that task may be for some of you.
Insults, sadly, are part and parcel of life, especially within this stage of a Singaporean boy's life. Over time, some form of immunity or resistance will have built up in response to the daily barrage of expletives and blood-boiling statements hurled your way. As with everything, there is an exception. There will come a time when too much is just too much, and enough is really enough, and all that pent-up anger and angst will erupt and devastate the trigger, the catalyst and everything else in between. Short-fused people will experience this more, and it is not necessarily a bad thing.
Thing is, some jackasses just don't know when to stop. Either they are too dense to notice that their words are causing some form of unseen, deep-seated and delayed-damage psychological hurt on the person or they are simply too ignorant to cease and desist. Perhaps some of them have latent mental retardation, some unknown genetic disease or maybe a combination of both. I would pity these people, but they probably deserved it.
One last thing before I end this angsty post, I don't require validation from lesser beings with regards to my OWN, PERSONAL life choices. They are, for goodness' sake, MY OWN GOD DAMNED LIFE CHOICES. I don't need you people to show me your personal point of view via insulting me for making a "mistake" or ridiculing me for taking the easy way out. Scoldings and blamings and insults coming from a bunch of Neanderthals who just started on the journey I completed a long time ago. Utterly ridiculous. Even my parents don't do this shit, what gives you the right to question my decisions?
YOU sub-humans only see the surface of the situation, the mere tip of the whole iceberg. You have no idea what lay beneath that decision, what factors shaped and moulded it, what sacrifices that had to be made. Going around accusing others based on your own selfish assumptions, and going on and on and on about it for God knows how long, you think its very cool? Well, screw you if you think that way. If you're not tired by the ad nauseum, I, for one, am.
And for goodness' sake, I've already BEEN THERE and DONE THAT, a long time ago, probably when you guys were still screwing up your own sorry lives. I have accomplished what I have set out to do, what I have planned for myself, which is more than I can say for most of you out there.
Silence might mean consent, but silence can also mean burning anger.
Speak to me only after you have accomplished what I have.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Love is Eternal Torment
Love is a concept whose sole purpose is to endlessly torture human beings.
Thing is, we can't live without it.
The irony.
Thing is, we can't live without it.
The irony.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Situational Report
Okay, so I haven't been blogging lately, or regularly for that matter. However, as I told myself when I created this web log years ago, this website was meant to be an outlet, an avenue for me to publish my literary pursuits. Whether or not they will be read (much less appreciated) is another matter, something which I don't put much thought into. If you want to read it, go ahead and enjoy, if not, constructively criticize and move on. Simple.
So I'm almost into my first year of serving dear old Singapore, and things are more or less stabilised. Like an old couple, I'm just waiting for my time to be up before I transcend into a new realm of learning and forging new relationships with the many faces out there. Honestly, I can't wait, but reality decrees that I'm having a much better life as before. Well, that's partly true, I get paid along with free physical training.
Recently, I caught the Nana craze, obtaining every bit of media related to the titular characters. For the uninitiated, Nana is a hit Japanese franchise which started off as a manga, later spawning two live-action feature length films and a full-bodied anime series in addition to an armada of according paraphernalia. What makes this offering so attractive has got to be the main protagonists, both named Nana. Their requisite trials and tribulations as they strive to fulfill their dreams are the focus of the story's plot, and the numerous ups-and-downs along with unexpected plot twists took my emotions for a wild roller-coaster ride when I watched the first film.
Unexpectedly, the franchise also rekindled my love for Japanese music, especially songs performed by pretty Japanese singers. There's Yuna Ito, the singer for the splendidly-performed "Endless Story", which had been endlessly looping on my recently-acquired iPod Touch. Then there's dear Ms Olivia Luftkin, a pretty little thing who hails from the West, but surprisingly speaks fluent Japanese, and is the singer for most of the opening and ending theme songs from the Nana anime. Though not a singer, Aoi Miyazaki had me enthralled with her cutish features, her innocent demeanor and excellent portrayal of the loveless Hachi, or younger Nana. Mika Nakashima as the older Nana is spot-on, both appearance and attitude-wise. It's as though she was meant to play that character.
On a side note, one of the more recent Gundam 00 Season 2 episodes featured a change in the opening theme song. No more "Fleeting and Everlasting Sorrow" from emo-boyband UVERworld, the new theme was written and performed by a newcomer on the block: all-girl trio Stereopony. Initially, I dismissed their song - a rockish ballad named "Across the Tears" - and prefered the old boys instead. But as time wore on and I listened to it more, I grew to like it, and after researching on the band (refer to my criteria for Japanese music) they became a regular on my playlists. Three 20-year old girls could come up with bloody good music; to me, their songs are the perfect examples of emo-rock. Listen to "A Single Petal" and read the lyrics, its bound to make your heart ache. Interestingly, Yuna Ito from the abovementioned Nana franchise performs the 2nd ending theme song of Gundam 00 Season 2, the beautifully-crafted "Trust You".
Speaking of Gundam, my collection currently stands at 61 models, across all grades and scales, give or take. My storage facilities are running out, again.
There are times when I feel a little lonely, but that's something I can deal with. I've always been somewhat a loner, preferring my company over anyone else's. However, much as my mind doesn't want to admit it, my subconscious screams out for the one person who can complete my mortal soul, someone who truly understands, appreciates and loves me wholeheartedly for the person I am. I made a decision: no more pretenses, no more relentless giving in without expecting anything in return - it won't work. I know she will come eventually, sooner or later, and though later would be more preferred (national liability wrecks relationships - its proven), a part of me secretly wishes it to be sooner.
That aside, the one thing occupying my time right now is this little secret ambition I have: Project Rainbow. A collaboration between myself and that sissa of mine, I have great plans for this series of novels. Combining sci-fi with fantasy and a host of other genres, I really hope it will be as good as the likes of Harry Potter, The Dark Tower series or even Twilight. This is one of my long term goals, that is, to at least publish one book before I bid this world farewell. My fingers are crossed, but I'll continue to work hard to make this dream a reality.
That's it from me this time, check back another time for another rare post. Take care!
So I'm almost into my first year of serving dear old Singapore, and things are more or less stabilised. Like an old couple, I'm just waiting for my time to be up before I transcend into a new realm of learning and forging new relationships with the many faces out there. Honestly, I can't wait, but reality decrees that I'm having a much better life as before. Well, that's partly true, I get paid along with free physical training.
Recently, I caught the Nana craze, obtaining every bit of media related to the titular characters. For the uninitiated, Nana is a hit Japanese franchise which started off as a manga, later spawning two live-action feature length films and a full-bodied anime series in addition to an armada of according paraphernalia. What makes this offering so attractive has got to be the main protagonists, both named Nana. Their requisite trials and tribulations as they strive to fulfill their dreams are the focus of the story's plot, and the numerous ups-and-downs along with unexpected plot twists took my emotions for a wild roller-coaster ride when I watched the first film.
Unexpectedly, the franchise also rekindled my love for Japanese music, especially songs performed by pretty Japanese singers. There's Yuna Ito, the singer for the splendidly-performed "Endless Story", which had been endlessly looping on my recently-acquired iPod Touch. Then there's dear Ms Olivia Luftkin, a pretty little thing who hails from the West, but surprisingly speaks fluent Japanese, and is the singer for most of the opening and ending theme songs from the Nana anime. Though not a singer, Aoi Miyazaki had me enthralled with her cutish features, her innocent demeanor and excellent portrayal of the loveless Hachi, or younger Nana. Mika Nakashima as the older Nana is spot-on, both appearance and attitude-wise. It's as though she was meant to play that character.
On a side note, one of the more recent Gundam 00 Season 2 episodes featured a change in the opening theme song. No more "Fleeting and Everlasting Sorrow" from emo-boyband UVERworld, the new theme was written and performed by a newcomer on the block: all-girl trio Stereopony. Initially, I dismissed their song - a rockish ballad named "Across the Tears" - and prefered the old boys instead. But as time wore on and I listened to it more, I grew to like it, and after researching on the band (refer to my criteria for Japanese music) they became a regular on my playlists. Three 20-year old girls could come up with bloody good music; to me, their songs are the perfect examples of emo-rock. Listen to "A Single Petal" and read the lyrics, its bound to make your heart ache. Interestingly, Yuna Ito from the abovementioned Nana franchise performs the 2nd ending theme song of Gundam 00 Season 2, the beautifully-crafted "Trust You".
Speaking of Gundam, my collection currently stands at 61 models, across all grades and scales, give or take. My storage facilities are running out, again.
There are times when I feel a little lonely, but that's something I can deal with. I've always been somewhat a loner, preferring my company over anyone else's. However, much as my mind doesn't want to admit it, my subconscious screams out for the one person who can complete my mortal soul, someone who truly understands, appreciates and loves me wholeheartedly for the person I am. I made a decision: no more pretenses, no more relentless giving in without expecting anything in return - it won't work. I know she will come eventually, sooner or later, and though later would be more preferred (national liability wrecks relationships - its proven), a part of me secretly wishes it to be sooner.
That aside, the one thing occupying my time right now is this little secret ambition I have: Project Rainbow. A collaboration between myself and that sissa of mine, I have great plans for this series of novels. Combining sci-fi with fantasy and a host of other genres, I really hope it will be as good as the likes of Harry Potter, The Dark Tower series or even Twilight. This is one of my long term goals, that is, to at least publish one book before I bid this world farewell. My fingers are crossed, but I'll continue to work hard to make this dream a reality.
That's it from me this time, check back another time for another rare post. Take care!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Secret - Final Stanza
Secret
Stanza Seven – Final Secret
Where is she? Where is she? Where is she?
Mizuki!
I’m sorry for yelling at you just now…
I didn’t know.
I had no freaking idea that life had been so harsh on you...
And now I’ve done this to you…
You don’t deserve this…
No one does.
I’m gonna make things right.
But…
Where on Earth are you?!
“AHHHH!”
Huh?!
Is that her?!
The roof!
Oh god!
***
Oh no!
Oh no!
The ledge…
It broke.
Have…to…hang…on…
But it hurts…my arm…my hand…
My heart…
I can’t hold on much longer…
My grip…
It’s slipping…
Oh no.
But I’m too tired, too exhausted…
I’m really, really tired.
Maybe this is for the better…
I’m sorry Father, but you’ll have to do without this foolish daughter from now on.
Let this be the last goodbye…
To you…to Oka-san…to…
Him.
I’m really, really tired…
…
“Mizuki!”
…
Huh?
This voice…
It’s him!
But why?
My hand!
Oh no!
***
“Mizuki! Don’t worry! I’ll pull you up!”
Oh my gosh!
What the hell did she do to dangle from the roof like that?!
Was she contemplating suicide?
Oh god…
I’m so sorry…
I will save you!
I must…
Just a little…
More!
***
Ow!
That hurt!
But I’m…
On solid ground again.
He saved me.
He actually pulled me up from the brink of death.
He’s looking at me, with relief washed across his face.
It was like that time, when he saved that little kitten from the front porch…
I can’t escape the fact…
I love him.
I really, really do.
This is it...
“Promise me one thing: whatever happens next, don’t move!”
***
I did it!
I pulled her up!
She’s as light as a feather!
Looks like her illness and stuff has really taken a toll on her petite body…
“Promise me one thing: whatever happens next, don’t move!”
Huh?!
What does she mean by that?
“Don’t move? Wh-”
“Just promise me!”
What is she up to?
“Alright, I won’t!”
She’s crying again…
Oh no…
Huh, why is she running towards me…
So quickly, so…
What?!
“I was so scared!”
***
“I was so scared!”
I’m not letting you go anymore!
Not ever!
I don’t care if I die!
I don’t care if my sickness gets worse!
I don’t care!
All I want to do is to be with you.
Is that so much to ask for?
His heart is beating so quickly…
But his warmth…
Its so…so…
Comfortable.
***
This silly girl.
You actually made me promise you to not move when you came and hugged me.
You are one silly little girl.
“I was so scared!”
Ah, so she was.
“You don’t have to be, everything’s alright now. Everything’s cool.”
She’s hugging me with all her might…
And she’s still shaking from that encounter…
And her tears…
They’re soaking my shirt.
But who cares?
I have her in my arms once more.
***
Rickson…
How can you do this to me?
After I’ve given you my all…
You discard me like used tissue for a girl you’ve barely spoken to.
You are a bastard.
…
I’ll back off for now.
You two won’t last long anyway.
One day, I’ll win you over with my own abilities.
And I’ll make sure you fall head over heels with me…
And be in my grasp forever.
Until that time…
Mizuki…
Please take care of him.
For me.
***
Finally, after all that drama, things are finally in place.
I have her in my arms once more…
And she’s returning it with her all.
This is the start of a new chapter of my life…
With her in it.
This is so awesome.
***
At last…
My dreams have finally solidified into something tangible…
Something real…
Something true.
The feelings were right all along, for both of us.
It feels good to have something work out right.
Finally.
I’m so glad.
***
I know that I’m still young, I still got a chunk of my future ahead of me.
Tertiary education, national service, university…
The road is still long…
For her as well.
Her illness won’t go away…at least until science provides the answer.
She also has her own life to lead, her own dreams to fulfill.
Surely, we will have to part ways some time in the future.
One day, someone more mature, more sensible will take better care of her, someone who truly understands her situation and plight.
***
We’re still so young…
There are a lot of things that can happen in the future.
If not on my side, it will on his side…
Certainly, the time will come when the two of us must part…
Some day, he will meet someone whom he can really share the world with, someone whom he can be with until the end of time…
***
Until that day comes…
***
Till the day…
***
“Shall we head back?”
“Okay.”
***
Mizuki!
I’m sorry for yelling at you just now…
I didn’t know.
I had no freaking idea that life had been so harsh on you...
And now I’ve done this to you…
You don’t deserve this…
No one does.
I’m gonna make things right.
But…
Where on Earth are you?!
“AHHHH!”
Huh?!
Is that her?!
The roof!
Oh god!
***
Oh no!
Oh no!
The ledge…
It broke.
Have…to…hang…on…
But it hurts…my arm…my hand…
My heart…
I can’t hold on much longer…
My grip…
It’s slipping…
Oh no.
But I’m too tired, too exhausted…
I’m really, really tired.
Maybe this is for the better…
I’m sorry Father, but you’ll have to do without this foolish daughter from now on.
Let this be the last goodbye…
To you…to Oka-san…to…
Him.
I’m really, really tired…
…
“Mizuki!”
…
Huh?
This voice…
It’s him!
But why?
My hand!
Oh no!
***
“Mizuki! Don’t worry! I’ll pull you up!”
Oh my gosh!
What the hell did she do to dangle from the roof like that?!
Was she contemplating suicide?
Oh god…
I’m so sorry…
I will save you!
I must…
Just a little…
More!
***
Ow!
That hurt!
But I’m…
On solid ground again.
He saved me.
He actually pulled me up from the brink of death.
He’s looking at me, with relief washed across his face.
It was like that time, when he saved that little kitten from the front porch…
I can’t escape the fact…
I love him.
I really, really do.
This is it...
“Promise me one thing: whatever happens next, don’t move!”
***
I did it!
I pulled her up!
She’s as light as a feather!
Looks like her illness and stuff has really taken a toll on her petite body…
“Promise me one thing: whatever happens next, don’t move!”
Huh?!
What does she mean by that?
“Don’t move? Wh-”
“Just promise me!”
What is she up to?
“Alright, I won’t!”
She’s crying again…
Oh no…
Huh, why is she running towards me…
So quickly, so…
What?!
“I was so scared!”
***
“I was so scared!”
I’m not letting you go anymore!
Not ever!
I don’t care if I die!
I don’t care if my sickness gets worse!
I don’t care!
All I want to do is to be with you.
Is that so much to ask for?
His heart is beating so quickly…
But his warmth…
Its so…so…
Comfortable.
***
This silly girl.
You actually made me promise you to not move when you came and hugged me.
You are one silly little girl.
“I was so scared!”
Ah, so she was.
“You don’t have to be, everything’s alright now. Everything’s cool.”
She’s hugging me with all her might…
And she’s still shaking from that encounter…
And her tears…
They’re soaking my shirt.
But who cares?
I have her in my arms once more.
***
Rickson…
How can you do this to me?
After I’ve given you my all…
You discard me like used tissue for a girl you’ve barely spoken to.
You are a bastard.
…
I’ll back off for now.
You two won’t last long anyway.
One day, I’ll win you over with my own abilities.
And I’ll make sure you fall head over heels with me…
And be in my grasp forever.
Until that time…
Mizuki…
Please take care of him.
For me.
***
Finally, after all that drama, things are finally in place.
I have her in my arms once more…
And she’s returning it with her all.
This is the start of a new chapter of my life…
With her in it.
This is so awesome.
***
At last…
My dreams have finally solidified into something tangible…
Something real…
Something true.
The feelings were right all along, for both of us.
It feels good to have something work out right.
Finally.
I’m so glad.
***
I know that I’m still young, I still got a chunk of my future ahead of me.
Tertiary education, national service, university…
The road is still long…
For her as well.
Her illness won’t go away…at least until science provides the answer.
She also has her own life to lead, her own dreams to fulfill.
Surely, we will have to part ways some time in the future.
One day, someone more mature, more sensible will take better care of her, someone who truly understands her situation and plight.
***
We’re still so young…
There are a lot of things that can happen in the future.
If not on my side, it will on his side…
Certainly, the time will come when the two of us must part…
Some day, he will meet someone whom he can really share the world with, someone whom he can be with until the end of time…
***
Until that day comes…
***
Till the day…
***
“Shall we head back?”
“Okay.”
***
I'll do anything for your hand,
Holding it till our time is done...
++++
Secret ---------- End
Secret - Stanza Six
Secret
Stanza Six – Secret Past
ts.
Oh my god, Joyce.
What have you done?
***
“Kasumi had wanted Mizuki to bear Richard's surname, and since I was the closest thing she had to a relative, mine had to be included as well. For legal reasons.
Mizuki did not have a smooth-sailing life right from the get-go.
At three, she almost drowned in the bathtub during a bath.
At five, she developed an inferiority complex and shunned away from everyone, including myself.
At eight, she was diagnosed with pulmonary embolism, which aggravated her inferiority complex.
From that year onwards, Mizuki has been popping pills and undergoing thousands of treatment sessions just to keep her condition under control.
It’s not easy, but the girl managed to maintain some semblance of a normal life.
Over time she started to talk to me more, to my utmost relief and elation.
That is…
Until she started secondary school.
In her previous school, one of her male classmates was constantly taking care of her…Seeing to her every need in school.
Homework, projects, fending off bullies…he even carried her up the stairs once.
Mizuki, as innocent as she is, thought that it was the start of something good, something that could help heal her battered body.
Heal her loneliness.
She came back home everyday with a smile on her face, and I thought that the girl’s suffering had finally come to an end.
However…
As it turned out, the boy was only being nice to Mizuki for the records.
He wanted to enroll in some high class school, and he needed the record of his conduct to show.
As soon as Mizuki entered his class, the boy had her in his sights.
She was meek, weak and frail, the perfect target for his gentlemanly endeavors.
And my poor foster daughter thought they had a special connection, and continued to believe so until the day the boy stopped being nice to her.
Once his goal had been accomplished, he didn’t need to be nice to her any longer.
And of all days, he had to pick the day when Mizuki wanted to give him a mug she spent days making all by herself to break the news to her.
He put it to her directly, with no empathy whatsoever: he was only being a gentleman to Mizuki only for his conduct record, and that he simply could not stand one more minute in her presence.
Mizuki took it hard.
She was warded for clinical depression soon after, and stayed in the hospital for almost a year.
At that time, her pulmonary embolism also went nuts, giving her attacks as and when it liked.
During those dark days, I really thought Mizuki wasn’t going to make it.
I would have failed Kasumi.
Luckily for us, Mizuki came through, although her body is still significantly weak.
After that whole episode, I had her transferred to my school, to keep an eye on her.
Both of us kept our kinship a secret, for fear of ridicule, teasing and a repeat of history.
Nonetheless, despite all that I did, history still repeated itself.”
***
What?
Why is Mr. Lee looking at me like that?
Oh god.
...
I’m the cause of this mess.
***
“She came home one fine day and said that there was someone in school who caught her eye.
She had a crush.
Her doctors had warned me not to agitate her in any way to reduce the possibility of her attacks, and the one thing that would surely induce an attack was relationships with the opposite gender.
Nevertheless, Fate is a nasty thing - it made that exact thing happen.
I asked her who he is, and she told me it was the person sitting in front of her.
The school basketball team captain, the class scholar, the “Girl Killer”.
You, Rickson.
She was infatuated with you.
Apparently, her crush started when she saw you diving into harm’s way to save a kitten from being crushed by a car on the school porch.
That, coupled with the way you help your friends and stuff, made Mizuki fall completely in love with you.
She was really smitten.
To prevent the tragedy that had befallen before, I ran a check on your records.
And…you guys know the rest.
She really is your half-sister.
She didn’t take it so well, although slightly better than the previous time.
She believed that fact, but also didn’t want to believe it.
So, the only thing she could do was to hide and observe you from afar.
Like a shadow.
She knows that she cannot love you like Joyce can, therefore all she can do is to silently, saliently love you from afar.
I ask you now Rickson, is it worth it?”
***
…
Mizuki…
All this while you had been looking at me from behind the pillars, behind the walls…
You were too afraid to be let down again…
Too hurt to take another stroke of damage…
Therefore you confined all your feelings to yourself.
It was me.
I talked to you.
I unleashed the feelings you had kept inside for so long.
I caused you to suffer yet another attack.
I am so sorry.
I am so…so…sorry.
I didn’t know…
...
I have to find her!
She doesn’t have to suffer like this any longer!
...
Joyce…
I’m sorry too.
“Joyce, I’m sorry, but I have to do this. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. You’ll find someone better.”
***
“Joyce, I’m sorry, but I have to do this. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. You’ll find someone better.”
What?
What’s the meaning of this…
Is Rickson…breaking…up…with me?
No…
Why did it end like this…
No it can't!
“Is this the only wa-“
Where is he going?
Mizuki!
***
The wind.
It feels so cool, so gentle…
So carefree.
All those cars…all those people down below…
They look like ants from up here.
There are so many people down there.
One insignificant me won’t make much of a difference to anyone.
To this world of pain and sadness.
…
Okay, maybe Father will feel sad.
But I’m sure he will move on.
Oh…I’m feeling dizzy again…
Is it just me or is this ledge shaky?
Is the building shaking?
Why am I sliding off...
Oh no.
The ledge is giving way!
“AHHHH!”
Stanza Six ---------- End
Stanza Six – Secret Past
Mr. Lee?
Mr. Lee is Mizuki’s foster father?
That kinda makes sense, she has his surname.
As well as Rickson’s dad’s.
But they don’t seem like father and daughter.
What on earth is going on?
“Mr. Lee, what is …”
“Sit down you two, I’ll explain everything.”
***
Finally.
Some answers.
But they’re coming from the person I least expected.
But they are still answers.
Let’s go.
***
All I wanted was the warmth of your hands, your gentle touch.
Your smile.
Dear God.
Are those too much to ask for?
Why is this happening to me?
Again...
Why…me.?
Oka-san…
I’m alone again…
Why did you leave me alone on this painful world?
Where are you?
...
I don’t want this.
I don’t want this life anymore.
It’s too painful.
My heart…
It feels wrenched up…
Wrecked…
Broken.
But no.
How can my heart possibly break…
…When it wasn’t even whole to start with.
***
“Mizuki’s mum met your dad when he was in Tokyo on a business trip.
A young lad he was then: full of drive, confidence, money and of course…
Recklessness.
All in the course of a week, Richard met Mizuki’s mother, chatted her up, asked her out and conceived Mizuki.
Of course, her mother did not know it until four months after Richard had left Japan.
Richard came back to Singapore under the pretext of his business, but in reality – as Mizuki’s mother found out later – he really returned to marry your biological mother.
It was already planned before he left for his business trip.
The brief romance he had with Kasumi was really, a fling.”
***
My god!
How can my dad do that!
This is so…so…
Sad.
Mizuki…
***
“I met Kasumi a few weeks after Richard left for Singapore, but only got close to her after she found out she was pregnant.
She needed someone by her side to tide her through.
I asked her once, did she really want the baby?
She replied without a moment’s hesitation: ‘Yes.’
It was the only connection left between Richard and her, she said.
After arriving in Singapore, He had severed all links with Kasumi.
Mizuki is…the proof of their brief, passionate relationship.
And even if it cost her her life, she was determined to see her baby born.
And…it did.
She had a difficult birth, and the only way to save one was to let the other die.
At the hospital, the one thing that Kasumi said then was the one thing that sealed my resolve to raise Mizuki as my own.
She said: ‘The baby’s innocent. Save her.”
With that, I watched as the doctors worked to bring Mizuki into the world, at the expense of Kasumi’s life, which withered away slowly before my very eyes.”
***
Oh my god.
Mizuki’s mom’s…
Dead.
She really is all alone in this world.
I thought she was just a weird kid around school, not bringing her parents to school activities.
She doesn’t have any.
She…doesn’t…have…any…paren
Mr. Lee is Mizuki’s foster father?
That kinda makes sense, she has his surname.
As well as Rickson’s dad’s.
But they don’t seem like father and daughter.
What on earth is going on?
“Mr. Lee, what is …”
“Sit down you two, I’ll explain everything.”
***
Finally.
Some answers.
But they’re coming from the person I least expected.
But they are still answers.
Let’s go.
***
All I wanted was the warmth of your hands, your gentle touch.
Your smile.
Dear God.
Are those too much to ask for?
Why is this happening to me?
Again...
Why…me.?
Oka-san…
I’m alone again…
Why did you leave me alone on this painful world?
Where are you?
...
I don’t want this.
I don’t want this life anymore.
It’s too painful.
My heart…
It feels wrenched up…
Wrecked…
Broken.
But no.
How can my heart possibly break…
…When it wasn’t even whole to start with.
***
“Mizuki’s mum met your dad when he was in Tokyo on a business trip.
A young lad he was then: full of drive, confidence, money and of course…
Recklessness.
All in the course of a week, Richard met Mizuki’s mother, chatted her up, asked her out and conceived Mizuki.
Of course, her mother did not know it until four months after Richard had left Japan.
Richard came back to Singapore under the pretext of his business, but in reality – as Mizuki’s mother found out later – he really returned to marry your biological mother.
It was already planned before he left for his business trip.
The brief romance he had with Kasumi was really, a fling.”
***
My god!
How can my dad do that!
This is so…so…
Sad.
Mizuki…
***
“I met Kasumi a few weeks after Richard left for Singapore, but only got close to her after she found out she was pregnant.
She needed someone by her side to tide her through.
I asked her once, did she really want the baby?
She replied without a moment’s hesitation: ‘Yes.’
It was the only connection left between Richard and her, she said.
After arriving in Singapore, He had severed all links with Kasumi.
Mizuki is…the proof of their brief, passionate relationship.
And even if it cost her her life, she was determined to see her baby born.
And…it did.
She had a difficult birth, and the only way to save one was to let the other die.
At the hospital, the one thing that Kasumi said then was the one thing that sealed my resolve to raise Mizuki as my own.
She said: ‘The baby’s innocent. Save her.”
With that, I watched as the doctors worked to bring Mizuki into the world, at the expense of Kasumi’s life, which withered away slowly before my very eyes.”
***
Oh my god.
Mizuki’s mom’s…
Dead.
She really is all alone in this world.
I thought she was just a weird kid around school, not bringing her parents to school activities.
She doesn’t have any.
She…doesn’t…have…any…paren
Oh my god, Joyce.
What have you done?
***
“Kasumi had wanted Mizuki to bear Richard's surname, and since I was the closest thing she had to a relative, mine had to be included as well. For legal reasons.
Mizuki did not have a smooth-sailing life right from the get-go.
At three, she almost drowned in the bathtub during a bath.
At five, she developed an inferiority complex and shunned away from everyone, including myself.
At eight, she was diagnosed with pulmonary embolism, which aggravated her inferiority complex.
From that year onwards, Mizuki has been popping pills and undergoing thousands of treatment sessions just to keep her condition under control.
It’s not easy, but the girl managed to maintain some semblance of a normal life.
Over time she started to talk to me more, to my utmost relief and elation.
That is…
Until she started secondary school.
In her previous school, one of her male classmates was constantly taking care of her…Seeing to her every need in school.
Homework, projects, fending off bullies…he even carried her up the stairs once.
Mizuki, as innocent as she is, thought that it was the start of something good, something that could help heal her battered body.
Heal her loneliness.
She came back home everyday with a smile on her face, and I thought that the girl’s suffering had finally come to an end.
However…
As it turned out, the boy was only being nice to Mizuki for the records.
He wanted to enroll in some high class school, and he needed the record of his conduct to show.
As soon as Mizuki entered his class, the boy had her in his sights.
She was meek, weak and frail, the perfect target for his gentlemanly endeavors.
And my poor foster daughter thought they had a special connection, and continued to believe so until the day the boy stopped being nice to her.
Once his goal had been accomplished, he didn’t need to be nice to her any longer.
And of all days, he had to pick the day when Mizuki wanted to give him a mug she spent days making all by herself to break the news to her.
He put it to her directly, with no empathy whatsoever: he was only being a gentleman to Mizuki only for his conduct record, and that he simply could not stand one more minute in her presence.
Mizuki took it hard.
She was warded for clinical depression soon after, and stayed in the hospital for almost a year.
At that time, her pulmonary embolism also went nuts, giving her attacks as and when it liked.
During those dark days, I really thought Mizuki wasn’t going to make it.
I would have failed Kasumi.
Luckily for us, Mizuki came through, although her body is still significantly weak.
After that whole episode, I had her transferred to my school, to keep an eye on her.
Both of us kept our kinship a secret, for fear of ridicule, teasing and a repeat of history.
Nonetheless, despite all that I did, history still repeated itself.”
***
What?
Why is Mr. Lee looking at me like that?
Oh god.
...
I’m the cause of this mess.
***
“She came home one fine day and said that there was someone in school who caught her eye.
She had a crush.
Her doctors had warned me not to agitate her in any way to reduce the possibility of her attacks, and the one thing that would surely induce an attack was relationships with the opposite gender.
Nevertheless, Fate is a nasty thing - it made that exact thing happen.
I asked her who he is, and she told me it was the person sitting in front of her.
The school basketball team captain, the class scholar, the “Girl Killer”.
You, Rickson.
She was infatuated with you.
Apparently, her crush started when she saw you diving into harm’s way to save a kitten from being crushed by a car on the school porch.
That, coupled with the way you help your friends and stuff, made Mizuki fall completely in love with you.
She was really smitten.
To prevent the tragedy that had befallen before, I ran a check on your records.
And…you guys know the rest.
She really is your half-sister.
She didn’t take it so well, although slightly better than the previous time.
She believed that fact, but also didn’t want to believe it.
So, the only thing she could do was to hide and observe you from afar.
Like a shadow.
She knows that she cannot love you like Joyce can, therefore all she can do is to silently, saliently love you from afar.
I ask you now Rickson, is it worth it?”
***
…
Mizuki…
All this while you had been looking at me from behind the pillars, behind the walls…
You were too afraid to be let down again…
Too hurt to take another stroke of damage…
Therefore you confined all your feelings to yourself.
It was me.
I talked to you.
I unleashed the feelings you had kept inside for so long.
I caused you to suffer yet another attack.
I am so sorry.
I am so…so…sorry.
I didn’t know…
...
I have to find her!
She doesn’t have to suffer like this any longer!
...
Joyce…
I’m sorry too.
“Joyce, I’m sorry, but I have to do this. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. You’ll find someone better.”
***
“Joyce, I’m sorry, but I have to do this. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. You’ll find someone better.”
What?
What’s the meaning of this…
Is Rickson…breaking…up…with me?
No…
Why did it end like this…
No it can't!
“Is this the only wa-“
Where is he going?
Mizuki!
***
The wind.
It feels so cool, so gentle…
So carefree.
All those cars…all those people down below…
They look like ants from up here.
There are so many people down there.
One insignificant me won’t make much of a difference to anyone.
To this world of pain and sadness.
…
Okay, maybe Father will feel sad.
But I’m sure he will move on.
Oh…I’m feeling dizzy again…
Is it just me or is this ledge shaky?
Is the building shaking?
Why am I sliding off...
Oh no.
The ledge is giving way!
“AHHHH!”
++++
Stanza Six ---------- End
Secret - Stanza Five
Secret
Stanza Five – Secret Anguish
Where am I?
Where is this place?
It reeks of familiarity…sterility…
The hospital.
Oh I remember now.
I fainted.
Ow, my head hurts.
My vision’s still foggy, and I can’t hear a thing.
I must have forgotten to take my medicine again.
Sheesh, I’m getting more absentminded by the day.
Is it because of him?
Speaking of which, where did he go?
Did he carry me here?
Or did he leave me behind…
No!
He brought me here!
I’m sure of it.
Ah my vision’s starting to clear…
…
Huh?
Joyce?
What is she doing here!
Why is she on the floor like that?
And are those tears in her eyes?
…
Isn’t that him!
But why does he look so crestfallen…
What’s that in his hands?
I can’t see!
Come on vision, clear faster!
Voices, I can hear voices.
My ears must be clearing.
“…sister!”
What?
Why did Joyce say that?
What has a sister got to do wi-
Oh no.
Is that my medical file he’s reading?
Oh no.
Oh no no no no no no no.
This is not happening.
“Gasp!”
***
What is going on?
What the hell is going on!
Is there anyone who can tell me what is going on?
Why is my father’s name in here?
Why is my father’s name listed as her father?
Does this mean…
No!
It can’t be!
But…
Father’s name: Richard Seras Tan
There’s no mistake.
It is really Dad’s name.
Could it really be…
Ah!
Mom mentioned something about Dad and a brief fling he had before marriage…
Oh my god.
Is Mizuki the result of that mistake of passion?
Answers.
I need answers.
She’s awake.
“Mizuki.
What is the meaning of all this?”
***
Oh no.
He found out.
Oh no.
My secret.
It’s…out.
The secret I’ve been keeping for so long.
He actually found out.
Him.
Of all people.
HIM.
I don’t know what to say.
But I have to say something…
“I…I…”
***
Why is this so?
Why why why!
Ah my head!
It’s hurting!
I need answers!
I need answers NOW!
“I-what?!
Don’t make me ask again!
I’ll make sure you regret not answering the first time.”
***
Oh my goodness.
Why is he so fierce?
So sudden, so swift…
So different from the charming him just a while ago.
It hurts…
My heart hurts from his words…
Like a knife…
My heart’s bleeding.
Again.
…
I knew it.
This was doomed from the start.
The ending was already cast in stone.
I saw the ending.
Yet I foolishly continued to cling on to what little hope I had.
Mizuki, you are the most imprudent girl on this world.
Life is back to its meaningless form.
It has no meaning.
Nothing has.
I’m sick and tired of this…
I want to end…
I want it to all end…
…
I need to get away from this person.
This person who is both the bane, and the light of my life.
What have I done to deserve this?
Oka-san, I’m scared.
I’m really, really scared.
I’ve got to get out of here.
***
What is going through that head of hers?
How can things suddenly spin out of control like that?
Am I on a gameshow?
This is so not cool...
Hey what’s she doing?
Huh!
She yanked out her IV tube!
She’s making a break for the door!
“Hey!”
SLAM.
I gotta go after her!
Click.
Someone’s in the doorway…
Who the hell could it be?
What in the-
“Mr. Lee?”
What the hell is the math teacher doing here?
This thing is going out of proportion by the minute.
I need answers!
“Sir, what are you doing here?”
“My daughter got hospitalized.”
His daughter?
Who?
Oh no.
Could it be…
“I am her foster father.”
Stanza Five ---------- End
Stanza Five – Secret Anguish
Where am I?
Where is this place?
It reeks of familiarity…sterility…
The hospital.
Oh I remember now.
I fainted.
Ow, my head hurts.
My vision’s still foggy, and I can’t hear a thing.
I must have forgotten to take my medicine again.
Sheesh, I’m getting more absentminded by the day.
Is it because of him?
Speaking of which, where did he go?
Did he carry me here?
Or did he leave me behind…
No!
He brought me here!
I’m sure of it.
Ah my vision’s starting to clear…
…
Huh?
Joyce?
What is she doing here!
Why is she on the floor like that?
And are those tears in her eyes?
…
Isn’t that him!
But why does he look so crestfallen…
What’s that in his hands?
I can’t see!
Come on vision, clear faster!
Voices, I can hear voices.
My ears must be clearing.
“…sister!”
What?
Why did Joyce say that?
What has a sister got to do wi-
Oh no.
Is that my medical file he’s reading?
Oh no.
Oh no no no no no no no.
This is not happening.
“Gasp!”
***
What is going on?
What the hell is going on!
Is there anyone who can tell me what is going on?
Why is my father’s name in here?
Why is my father’s name listed as her father?
Does this mean…
No!
It can’t be!
But…
Father’s name: Richard Seras Tan
There’s no mistake.
It is really Dad’s name.
Could it really be…
Ah!
Mom mentioned something about Dad and a brief fling he had before marriage…
Oh my god.
Is Mizuki the result of that mistake of passion?
Answers.
I need answers.
She’s awake.
“Mizuki.
What is the meaning of all this?”
***
Oh no.
He found out.
Oh no.
My secret.
It’s…out.
The secret I’ve been keeping for so long.
He actually found out.
Him.
Of all people.
HIM.
I don’t know what to say.
But I have to say something…
“I…I…”
***
Why is this so?
Why why why!
Ah my head!
It’s hurting!
I need answers!
I need answers NOW!
“I-what?!
Don’t make me ask again!
I’ll make sure you regret not answering the first time.”
***
Oh my goodness.
Why is he so fierce?
So sudden, so swift…
So different from the charming him just a while ago.
It hurts…
My heart hurts from his words…
Like a knife…
My heart’s bleeding.
Again.
…
I knew it.
This was doomed from the start.
The ending was already cast in stone.
I saw the ending.
Yet I foolishly continued to cling on to what little hope I had.
Mizuki, you are the most imprudent girl on this world.
Life is back to its meaningless form.
It has no meaning.
Nothing has.
I’m sick and tired of this…
I want to end…
I want it to all end…
…
I need to get away from this person.
This person who is both the bane, and the light of my life.
What have I done to deserve this?
Oka-san, I’m scared.
I’m really, really scared.
I’ve got to get out of here.
***
What is going through that head of hers?
How can things suddenly spin out of control like that?
Am I on a gameshow?
This is so not cool...
Hey what’s she doing?
Huh!
She yanked out her IV tube!
She’s making a break for the door!
“Hey!”
SLAM.
I gotta go after her!
Click.
Someone’s in the doorway…
Who the hell could it be?
What in the-
“Mr. Lee?”
What the hell is the math teacher doing here?
This thing is going out of proportion by the minute.
I need answers!
“Sir, what are you doing here?”
“My daughter got hospitalized.”
His daughter?
Who?
Oh no.
Could it be…
“I am her foster father.”
++++
Stanza Five ---------- End
Secret - Stanza Four
Secret
Stanza Four – Secret Revelation
Stanza Four – Secret Revelation
I swear, prices are shooting up by the day.
Even canned drinks cost a small meal nowadays!
What gives?
This sucks.
Click.
“Joyce?!”
***
Oh god oh god oh god.
What have I stumbled upon?
No one was meant to see this, not Rickson, and certainly not me…
This is some serious-
Click.
“Joyce?!”
Oh no.
***
What the heck is she doing here?
And what is she doing with that pair of scissors near the IV tube?
“Joyce, what are you doing?”
***
Oh no.
He’s back!
And I’m caught red-handed!
The file!
Must not let him see it!
“Er…I was just in the area and I saw you exit this ward, so I thought of coming in to see who you were visiting.”
He’s so not gonna buy it.
***
Ain’t that convenient?
I bet she has been tailing me the whole time.
That means...
Oh crap.
She must have seen everything.
“Joyce…I can explain…”
***
Explain?
Explain what you moron!
Explain why you chose this sickly girl over someone like me?
You’ll explain alright, you will explain everything.
But not now, not when my heart’s in a million pieces.
“Don’t you say a word. There’s nothing you can say, that would make the pain go away.”
***
Oh no.
My worst fears have come true.
I’ve destroyed her heart.
What have I done?
“Joyce please listen to me!”
***
No I refuse to hear!
“No! I don’t want to hear anymore of your lies! Go away you heartless bastard!”
Oh no!
The file!
***
Now she’s really angry.
Oh boy.
She’s starting her throwing-stuff routine again.
Eh?
This file, its not Joyce’s.
It’s Hers.
Her medical record file.
Ah I knew something was evading me!
I still don’t know her name!
I’m sure this file has it…
“Don’t you dare open that file Rickson! Don't you dare!”
***
Oh no!
He has the file!
Must not let him open it!
“Give it back Rickson! Give me the file!”
***
What?
What is this?
Why is she suddenly so defensive over her love-rival’s file?
This is so unlike her.
What’s in the file?
Oh crap!
“Ouch!”
***
Ha!
I got it back!
Childhood akido lessons weren’t for naught.
Now to get out of here before the file lands in his hands aga-
“Hey Joyce! What’s the matter with you!”
***
The bitch!
That bitch actually tackled me!
What the hell!
It hurts woman!
You’re not going anywhere now!
“Give me the file Joyce, or I’ll really have to take it by force!”
“Do it then you heartless creature! After all I’ve done for you, you repay me with this violence? If you can live with yourself, then do it!”
Ah! This is so maddening!
What exactly is in that file!
I have to see it!
...
Forgive me, Joyce.
“Ow! Ow! Ow!”
***
He really did it!
He forced the file from me!
And it hurts.
Both my arms and my heart.
Rickson…you are a sorry little man.
Is the information within that file more important than me?
Is that girl lying on that bed more important than me?
...
The answer's blatantly obvious.
***
I got it!
Now to see what Joyce has been trying to hide from me, and of course, to finally obtain her real name.
This is so awesome.
I’m sorry Joyce, but you left me with no choice.
Now let’s see…
Ah here it is!
Mizuki S. Lee.
What a wonderful name!
And no wonder she’s so beautiful!
She has Eurasian and Japanese blood!
Mother’s name: Kasumi Lee Hirano
Wow her mom’s a mixed too.
Father’s name: Richard Seras Tan
Hey this name looks familiar...
Wait a minute.
…
What?
This can’t be.
This is…
My…father’s…
Name.
“That’s right, Rickson!
She’s your sister!”
Stanza Four ---------- End
Even canned drinks cost a small meal nowadays!
What gives?
This sucks.
Click.
“Joyce?!”
***
Oh god oh god oh god.
What have I stumbled upon?
No one was meant to see this, not Rickson, and certainly not me…
This is some serious-
Click.
“Joyce?!”
Oh no.
***
What the heck is she doing here?
And what is she doing with that pair of scissors near the IV tube?
“Joyce, what are you doing?”
***
Oh no.
He’s back!
And I’m caught red-handed!
The file!
Must not let him see it!
“Er…I was just in the area and I saw you exit this ward, so I thought of coming in to see who you were visiting.”
He’s so not gonna buy it.
***
Ain’t that convenient?
I bet she has been tailing me the whole time.
That means...
Oh crap.
She must have seen everything.
“Joyce…I can explain…”
***
Explain?
Explain what you moron!
Explain why you chose this sickly girl over someone like me?
You’ll explain alright, you will explain everything.
But not now, not when my heart’s in a million pieces.
“Don’t you say a word. There’s nothing you can say, that would make the pain go away.”
***
Oh no.
My worst fears have come true.
I’ve destroyed her heart.
What have I done?
“Joyce please listen to me!”
***
No I refuse to hear!
“No! I don’t want to hear anymore of your lies! Go away you heartless bastard!”
Oh no!
The file!
***
Now she’s really angry.
Oh boy.
She’s starting her throwing-stuff routine again.
Eh?
This file, its not Joyce’s.
It’s Hers.
Her medical record file.
Ah I knew something was evading me!
I still don’t know her name!
I’m sure this file has it…
“Don’t you dare open that file Rickson! Don't you dare!”
***
Oh no!
He has the file!
Must not let him open it!
“Give it back Rickson! Give me the file!”
***
What?
What is this?
Why is she suddenly so defensive over her love-rival’s file?
This is so unlike her.
What’s in the file?
Oh crap!
“Ouch!”
***
Ha!
I got it back!
Childhood akido lessons weren’t for naught.
Now to get out of here before the file lands in his hands aga-
“Hey Joyce! What’s the matter with you!”
***
The bitch!
That bitch actually tackled me!
What the hell!
It hurts woman!
You’re not going anywhere now!
“Give me the file Joyce, or I’ll really have to take it by force!”
“Do it then you heartless creature! After all I’ve done for you, you repay me with this violence? If you can live with yourself, then do it!”
Ah! This is so maddening!
What exactly is in that file!
I have to see it!
...
Forgive me, Joyce.
“Ow! Ow! Ow!”
***
He really did it!
He forced the file from me!
And it hurts.
Both my arms and my heart.
Rickson…you are a sorry little man.
Is the information within that file more important than me?
Is that girl lying on that bed more important than me?
...
The answer's blatantly obvious.
***
I got it!
Now to see what Joyce has been trying to hide from me, and of course, to finally obtain her real name.
This is so awesome.
I’m sorry Joyce, but you left me with no choice.
Now let’s see…
Ah here it is!
Mizuki S. Lee.
What a wonderful name!
And no wonder she’s so beautiful!
She has Eurasian and Japanese blood!
Mother’s name: Kasumi Lee Hirano
Wow her mom’s a mixed too.
Father’s name: Richard Seras Tan
Hey this name looks familiar...
Wait a minute.
…
What?
This can’t be.
This is…
My…father’s…
Name.
“That’s right, Rickson!
She’s your sister!”
++++
Stanza Four ---------- End
Secret - Stanza Three
Secret
Stanza Three – Secret Ambition
Am I in Heaven?
Dear God, are you playing a trick on me?
Is this some supernatural tribulation I’m supposed to transcend to escape my sad lot?
Or is this a cruel joke cast upon me, an attempt to destroy the very fiber of my being?
Am I even awake?
Is this a dream?
But this feels so real!
His words, his touch, his warm embrace, his…sweet…sweet lips.
He sure lives up to his reputation.
But I still can’t believe it!
All this while I’ve only dared to dream of this remote possibility, much less entertain it.
It has always been a private affair, a forlorn reverie, my personal realm of delusion…
My secret ambition.
All my dreams have finally come to fruition, I’m glad…really, really…glad.
But no, we can’t be together…we can never be together.
Not with that secret…no…this can never be…it will never be…
But I want it to be like this forever!
I knew it!
This is a joke cast upon me!
Why is it always like that!
WHY!
***
Why have you evaded me till now, my little girl?
Where have you been all this while?
Although we’ve just made contact, I feel like I’ve known you for many, many years.
Okay, maybe she has been around me for the past three months, peeping at me from behind pillars and walls.
But this awesome feeling, it’s like she’s an extension of my body, the other half to complete my mortal shell.
She is The One.
But Joyce…what about her?
She has been by my side almost everyday for the past nine months, trying her best to fulfill my every desire.
And, given what has transcended last month…I guess I really do owe her something.
Can I really bring myself to do it?
But this girl in my arms right now, the feeling is just so right.
I feel like if I let go, she will disappear away into the sky, like a balloon after being pricked by a pin.
I know something for sure: I don’t want to lose her.
But I don’t want to destroy Joyce’s heart as well.
What am I to do…
***
Why is it always like this?
Why must I fly this high, only to fall so much harder…
Why am I always given false hope, drawn into phony senses of security?
Why, why, WHY?
I’m so sick of this…so tired…I feel like my breath is escaping from my lu-
Oh no.
Not now…please not at this time!
Oh god no, no, no, no, NO!
...
***
“Hey what’s wrong?! Hey! Hey!”
***
Man, that was scary.
How can someone just faint like that all of a sudden?
Did I do something wrong?
Was I pressing on her nerve or something?
I don’t think so.
So strange…
Oh the doctor’s out.
***
“Doctor! How is she?”
“She has just suffered a spontaneous attack from her pulmonary embolism condition. Luckily for her, it isn’t fatal. But I can’t guarantee she will be this lucky the next time.”
“Pulmonary embolism?”
“Basically, her pulmonary arteries, which carry blood to and fro her heart, are blocked by blood clots. She has to be careful of her own feelings and emotions, as certain things, activities or even words can have an adverse effect on her condition. She’s way too young to be going through all this…”
“…Thank you doctor, for everything.”
“It’s my job, just make sure you take care of her, young man.”
***
Pulmonary embolism?
Blocked arteries?
She’s too young to be put through this hell!
She must be taking pills day in and out, being subject to all sorts of treatments and taking every test medical science has to offer.
She’s still so young!
This is so sad!
Why must heaven play such sport on such an innocent young thing?
The world is a cruel place, and she has to go through it all alone and with her illness.
...
That does it.
I will take care of her for the rest of my life.
Someone as beautiful as her doesn’t deserve to live her painful life on her own.
I’m here for you my baby girl, I’m here for you now.
You have nothing to worry about.
...
I need some fresh air.
Hospital walls will always be this claustrophobic, no matter how flowery the wallpaper is.
Click.
***
Click.
Well, well, well.
Look what Fate has done dear Mizuki.
Steal my Rickson will you?
Ha! Heaven is fair!
Look at you now, lying on that bed, with a tube stuck into your wrist.
How sad, how very sad.
But all the better for me.
Once you are out of the way, Rickson will devote his full, undivided attention to me.
And me alone!
Ever since he started noticing you, the amount of attention he showers upon me has dropped.
And its all because of you!
You of all people! The mysterious transfer student!
Why must you barge into my perfect life!
I cannot allow it, I will not allow it.
History must never repeat itself.
…
Your IV tube…wonder what will happen if a silt accidentally appears on it?
Well for one you would forget all the pain you’re in right now, and fade away like a passing cloud.
I know its cruel, but you leave me with no choice.
What’s this?
A file?
Must be your records.
Enjoy these final moments Mizuki, I’m giving you the luxury before I end your tragic life.
Let’s see what’s ailing your petite little body.
…
What?
No, this can’t be.
Oh my god.
No, this…must be a mistake…
No it can’t be!
Oh my god.
No there’s no mistake…this name…
Oh my god.
Stanza Three ---------- End
Dear God, are you playing a trick on me?
Is this some supernatural tribulation I’m supposed to transcend to escape my sad lot?
Or is this a cruel joke cast upon me, an attempt to destroy the very fiber of my being?
Am I even awake?
Is this a dream?
But this feels so real!
His words, his touch, his warm embrace, his…sweet…sweet lips.
He sure lives up to his reputation.
But I still can’t believe it!
All this while I’ve only dared to dream of this remote possibility, much less entertain it.
It has always been a private affair, a forlorn reverie, my personal realm of delusion…
My secret ambition.
All my dreams have finally come to fruition, I’m glad…really, really…glad.
...
But no, we can’t be together…we can never be together.
Not with that secret…no…this can never be…it will never be…
But I want it to be like this forever!
I knew it!
This is a joke cast upon me!
Why is it always like that!
WHY!
***
Why have you evaded me till now, my little girl?
Where have you been all this while?
Although we’ve just made contact, I feel like I’ve known you for many, many years.
Okay, maybe she has been around me for the past three months, peeping at me from behind pillars and walls.
But this awesome feeling, it’s like she’s an extension of my body, the other half to complete my mortal shell.
She is The One.
But Joyce…what about her?
She has been by my side almost everyday for the past nine months, trying her best to fulfill my every desire.
And, given what has transcended last month…I guess I really do owe her something.
Can I really bring myself to do it?
But this girl in my arms right now, the feeling is just so right.
I feel like if I let go, she will disappear away into the sky, like a balloon after being pricked by a pin.
I know something for sure: I don’t want to lose her.
But I don’t want to destroy Joyce’s heart as well.
What am I to do…
***
Why is it always like this?
Why must I fly this high, only to fall so much harder…
Why am I always given false hope, drawn into phony senses of security?
Why, why, WHY?
I’m so sick of this…so tired…I feel like my breath is escaping from my lu-
Oh no.
Not now…please not at this time!
Oh god no, no, no, no, NO!
...
***
“Hey what’s wrong?! Hey! Hey!”
***
Man, that was scary.
How can someone just faint like that all of a sudden?
Did I do something wrong?
Was I pressing on her nerve or something?
I don’t think so.
So strange…
Oh the doctor’s out.
***
“Doctor! How is she?”
“She has just suffered a spontaneous attack from her pulmonary embolism condition. Luckily for her, it isn’t fatal. But I can’t guarantee she will be this lucky the next time.”
“Pulmonary embolism?”
“Basically, her pulmonary arteries, which carry blood to and fro her heart, are blocked by blood clots. She has to be careful of her own feelings and emotions, as certain things, activities or even words can have an adverse effect on her condition. She’s way too young to be going through all this…”
“…Thank you doctor, for everything.”
“It’s my job, just make sure you take care of her, young man.”
***
Pulmonary embolism?
Blocked arteries?
She’s too young to be put through this hell!
She must be taking pills day in and out, being subject to all sorts of treatments and taking every test medical science has to offer.
She’s still so young!
This is so sad!
Why must heaven play such sport on such an innocent young thing?
The world is a cruel place, and she has to go through it all alone and with her illness.
...
That does it.
I will take care of her for the rest of my life.
Someone as beautiful as her doesn’t deserve to live her painful life on her own.
I’m here for you my baby girl, I’m here for you now.
You have nothing to worry about.
...
I need some fresh air.
Hospital walls will always be this claustrophobic, no matter how flowery the wallpaper is.
Click.
***
Click.
Well, well, well.
Look what Fate has done dear Mizuki.
Steal my Rickson will you?
Ha! Heaven is fair!
Look at you now, lying on that bed, with a tube stuck into your wrist.
How sad, how very sad.
But all the better for me.
Once you are out of the way, Rickson will devote his full, undivided attention to me.
And me alone!
Ever since he started noticing you, the amount of attention he showers upon me has dropped.
And its all because of you!
You of all people! The mysterious transfer student!
Why must you barge into my perfect life!
I cannot allow it, I will not allow it.
History must never repeat itself.
…
Your IV tube…wonder what will happen if a silt accidentally appears on it?
Well for one you would forget all the pain you’re in right now, and fade away like a passing cloud.
I know its cruel, but you leave me with no choice.
What’s this?
A file?
Must be your records.
Enjoy these final moments Mizuki, I’m giving you the luxury before I end your tragic life.
Let’s see what’s ailing your petite little body.
…
What?
No, this can’t be.
Oh my god.
No, this…must be a mistake…
No it can’t be!
Oh my god.
No there’s no mistake…this name…
Oh my god.
++++
Stanza Three ---------- End
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Secret - Stanza Two
Secret
Stanza Two – Secret Meeting
Stanza Two – Secret Meeting
“So, what did you say to her?”
How can I reply to that question? How do I even attempt to answer that question?
Give an honest reply? Oh please, she’ll chew me to bits and spit out the bones.
Try to smoke out of it? Hmmm…that may work.
Give it a shot.
“Oh nothing much. Just some schoolwork and stuff.”
Hope that worked.
Sorry my dear Joyce but I have to do this.
I need to know.
* * *
Schoolwork?With an expression like that fixed on that face of yours, you have the cheek to say ‘schoolwork’?
What do you take me for, a three year old little girl?
I could bust you right now, but I want to see what else you have up your sleeves.
I’ll believe you…for the time being.
“Oh ok! You could ask me too you know, about schoolwork!”
* * *
“I will if I need to. Thanks.”Hmmm…I think I did it.
Awesome, I deserve an Oscar for that outstanding performance.
Right…now we wait…
* * *
Oh the anticipation is killing me!Two more minutes to dismissal.
TWO.
You might as well call it eternity!
My heart hasn’t stopped pounding ever since he popped the question.
Meet me at the rear gate after school, okay?
Weird, I thought it sounded like…
I love you, I want to be with you forever and ever…
AH!
NO!
My imagination is running wild!
He will never go out with a girl like me…Not in a million years.
Not with my secret.
…
Damn. The truth hurts.
Then again, he has taken the first step, which means he has at least noticed me!
That’s a good start.
Where we go next, I’ll leave it to Fate.
Fate, please be merciful, please let it be true.
Just this time.
RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
* * *
“Alright Joyce, I’ll see you over at your place later to finish up our math homework.”“Later? Where’re you off to now?”
“The boys need me to settle some stuff for them, I won’t be long though. You just go home first, take a shower and relax for a bit. Then when I come over we can get started right away! Sound good?”
“Hee hee! Okie dokie! I’ll see you later then, boyfriend!”
Phew. That was a close one. Once again I deserve an Oscar for that awesome feat.
Now. Time to put those nagging questions to rest.
And… why is my heart racing like a bullet train?
Am I looking forward to something?
Could it be…that I’m looking forward to meeting her?
Her…Wow.
This is a rather delayed realization: I don’t even know her name.
Good going, ‘Girl Killer’.
Tsk. I don’t even like that nickname.
Time to move.
Be still my racing heart.
* * *
Who does he intend to kid?
The boys need me to settle some stuff for them, I won’t be long though.
As if.
The ‘boys’ you’re talking about all have basketball practice today, so none of them need you to settle ‘stuff’ for them.
I bet my family’s reputation that you’re off to meet someone.
And I bet its her.
I’ll see what you’re gonna do.
And if you so much as dare to even two-time me, she’s in for it.
And I’ll make you suffer.
* * *
Where is he?Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?
Was it all a lie? Was it a cruel joke cast upon me? Was it really a dream?
OW!
No! It’s not! It’s real! Everything’s real!
Then why has he not arrived? Why has his handsome face not appeared?
Calm down, girl, calm down.
He could be held up somewhere…probably by Joyce.
…
Or…or… one of his guy pals needed him to settle stuff for him!
Yeah that’s it! He’s helping a friend!
What a nice guy. No wonder I’m so…
He’s here!
* * *
Ah! she’s here already!Oh that sweet, sweet face. I could look at it for hours and…
Eh? Is that possible?
Her eyes.
They’re not sad anymore.
They look…happy.
What’s this?
Why am I feeling warm all over?
Why am I getting the urge to smile?
* * *
He smiled!He actually smiled at me!
That brilliant smile, normally unseen, is being shown to me!
I’m so glad.
* * *
Oh no. Why is she…Why is she crying!
No, wait…she’s not really crying. Those are just tears streaming down her cheeks.
Tears of joy.
And her lips are arched into what people call…
A smile.
At last.
I’m so glad.
* * *
I’m so happy.This has got to be the happiest day of my life.
Not only did he talk to me, he asked me out after school and he…
Smiled at me.
I feel like I can die peacefully now, having seen that radiant smile of his.
Oh the bliss, the joy, the…
“You look pretty when you smile.”
…
What?
Did he just say that to me?
OH MY!
He actually thinks I’m pretty!
Those eyes, those azure blue eyes...
I feel like I can just drown in them.
And I want to.
* * *
She has got to be the prettiest girl around school.That face, that cute, cute face.
Why haven’t I noticed that until now?
Oh right.
She was always looking at me with those forlorn eyes, and her hair was always covering her face.
And besides, she’s always hiding behind something.
What a cute girl.
Pity you didn’t appear before Joyce, or else you’d be in her place.
My god, I can’t seem to tear away from that face, and what’s going on…my legs…they’re moving on their own!
Well, nothing bad about that.
* * *
He’s coming!He’s coming towards me!
What am I to do?
Do I embrace him with open arms?
Or do I push him away with force?
What to do? What to do!
And be still my beating heart! Stop thrashing about like a trout on a line!
I need to think…!
Too late!
* * *
She feels so warm…so cosy…to the touch.She smells of flowers, flowers blooming in the spring, fresh as ever.
And up close, she looks even more adorable.
Why has she evaded me till now?
Why is she still single!
Her breath on my neck…feels so…hurried, yet so…affectionate.
This feeling…is this what people call love at first sight?
This immeasurable sensation…it feels…good.
I think she’s the one, my one true love.
I have finally found you.
* * *
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.I’m…in…his…arms.
The one person I want to be hugged most is hugging me.
Oh. My. Goodness!
This feels so good!
It’s as though my prayers are all being answered today!
I’m so happy…I’m so glad…
His eyes, his oh so dreamy eyes…just makes me wanna…
* * *
Her eyes, her now delicate, lucid eyes…staring at me like a chipmunk…And her lips…pursed together in this insanely tempting manner…
Just makes me lose…control…
Oh my body’s moving on its own again…
This has to stop soon…
But the destination…is…
Awesome.
* * *
Why that little…!He really went to meet her!
First he hugged her, now he’s doing this!
THIS IS TOO MUCH!
What am I, chopped liver!
I’m your girlfriend for god’s sake!
Stupid moron! Idiot! IDIOT!
You’re gonna pay, Rickson Tan, you are so gonna pay.
And you, Mizuki, will suffer a fate worse than hell.
++++
Stanza Two ---------- End
Secret - Stanza One
Secret
Stanza One – Secret Crush
Stanza One – Secret Crush
I can’t do it.
No matter how I force myself, how I scold and hurt myself, I just can’t bring myself to do it.
Why? Why is it so difficult, so tough?
So painful.
I can only look at you from afar, observe your minute movements, giggle at your antics, smile when you smile…
Its painful, but this is the only thing I can do.
For I can never hope to measure up to her, to you, or to anyone else.
And besides…
He can never know about my secret… No one must.
* * *
Why?Why is it that she always looks at me with such forlorn eyes?
Those sad, sad eyes.
It’s as though they hide a deep mystery, a cruel truth, a terrible secret.
Why do you always obscure your cute face behind a pillar, wall or …
“Rickson! Let’s go! Class is about to start!”
For some weird, inexplicable reason, I feel sad when I see that sad, sad face of hers.
I have only seen her smile once, and it was a wonderful, radiant smile.
Why has it disappeared?
I wonder why.
“I’m coming.”
* * *
Always, always, always.Why is it always her!
Six months! For the six months we’ve been going out, he’s always noticing that girl!
And its HER at that! THAT girl!
What gives!
How am I paling in comparison to her? What does she have that I don’t?
No matter. You are not getting him. Not in this lifetime.
Not ever.
* * *
“Alright class, remember to turn in your A-math assignments by tomorrow! And have a good day ahead.”“Thank you Mr. Lee!”
Yet another period has gone by, another segment of another monotonous day has ended.
And I’ve seen your beautiful back view for yet another period.
It’s not much, but its sheer bliss to me.
How I wish you would turn back and say, “Hi, would you go out with me?”
What a nice thought.
* * *
Even now, I can feel her looking at me, her eyes roaming up and down my back, looking for something delicate lost within the folds of my uniform.
And I bet she’s looking at me with those forlorn eyes.
Why? Why is she always trapped in that state of sadness?
No, I have to find out.
I want to see her smile.
“Hey…”
* * *
What!
What’s going on!
Why has he turned around!
Why is he looking at me!
Why is he saying “Hey” to me!
This can’t be happening, this cannot be happening…
But wait, isn’t this what I’ve been wishing for?
This is practically a godsend!
I must calm down… Must…calm…down…
* * *
Is she ignoring me on purpose? Or is she too taken aback by my sudden initiative?“Erm…you there?”
* * *
No!I still can’t do it!
I want to say something, but no words would come out!
WHY!
Why is this happening to me right now! This can’t be happening!
Focus girl! You have to concentrate! Snap out of it right now!
“………Hi?.......”
* * *
She replied!She actually replied!
This is as close to a miracle as I’d get in this day and age.
Time to get some questions answered.
Time to see that wonderful smile of hers.
“Say…why is it that…”
* * *
I did it.I actually did the one thing that I didn’t think I would be able to do.
I SPOKE to him.
My heart is pounding like crazy!
What’s this?
What is this fluttering feeling in my chest?
It feels…irritating…yet…warming…at the same time.
I guess its true then…my feelings for him…
But why…why has he stopped mid-sentence…
* * *
How can this be?
Why can’t I complete my sentence?
This never happens! It cannot happen! It will not happen!
But that face, that cute, delightful face bearing those forlorn eyes, framed by the wispy locks of her black bobbed hair, accentuating the sweetness of that endearing face.
This is the first time I’ve noticed, but…
She’s beautiful.
* * *
What’s going on?Why have things come to a standstill?
Is it something I’ve done? Wait no, I haven’t done anything except…
Yeah…I haven’t done anything!
But so has he!
He has yet to complete his sentence, what was he trying to say!
My heart’s burning from the curiosity, set ablaze by the anticipation.
Ah!
* * *
Hmm? What’s going on here?
Why has my dear Rickson turned around to face that introverted autistic girl!
Why is it always her!
“HEY!”
* * *
That voice.Joyce? Is that her?
Oh no, just when I was about to ask her.
No, it cannot end like this. I have to ask her.
I have to know!
“Meet me at the rear gate after school, okay?”
* * *
Eh?Is that a…
Date?
He’s gone now, went off with her.
But does it matter?
Be still my beating heart.
I HAVE A DATE WITH HIM!
Am I dreaming? Is this the start of a vicious nightmare? Heaven, are you making fun of me?
Ow! That hurts. Ok, so its not a dream.
This is real.
Oh. My. Goodness.
Will my pain now finally go away?
++++
Stanza One ---------- End
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