Fundamental Processes

Perhaps it really has been too long. Perhaps I've been too out of touch with conventional protocol governing this aspect of human behaviour.

Or perhaps it is just my fundamental manner of processing eventualities.

This is harder that I had ever envisioned.

Yes, the rewards are significant, satisfying and substantial, but the emotional turmoil en route to those rewards is a steep price to pay.

Very precarious indeed.

I cannot fathom the actual reason behind certain actions, nor dare I venture a guess lest risking the over active cogs of a dynamic engine powering an active imagination. So many possible scenarios can spawn from a single thought: some positive, some bad, others devastating.

It really might be just over thinking on my part, but it is a curse that I must bear.

For as long as I can.

It is so frightening that mere words - electronic or otherwise - and actions have such a hold over my emotional state, capsizing it from optimistic zealot to gloomy cultist.

Regardless, I chose this path, I must walk it till the end.

Even if it scars me yet again.

I have to summon my most impenetrable shields to create the appropriate facade, even if I am dying inside.

I cannot be selfish, but it is only...

Biological.