Secret - Stanza One

Secret

Stanza One – Secret Crush

I can’t do it.

No matter how I force myself, how I scold and hurt myself, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Why? Why is it so difficult, so tough?

So painful.

I can only look at you from afar, observe your minute movements, giggle at your antics, smile when you smile…

Its painful, but this is the only thing I can do.

For I can never hope to measure up to her, to you, or to anyone else.

And besides…

He can never know about my secret… No one must.

* * *

Why?

Why is it that she always looks at me with such forlorn eyes?

Those sad, sad eyes.

It’s as though they hide a deep mystery, a cruel truth, a terrible secret.

Why do you always obscure your cute face behind a pillar, wall or …

“Rickson! Let’s go! Class is about to start!”

For some weird, inexplicable reason, I feel sad when I see that sad, sad face of hers.

I have only seen her smile once, and it was a wonderful, radiant smile.

Why has it disappeared?

I wonder why.

“I’m coming.”

* * *

Always, always, always.

Why is it always her!

Six months! For the six months we’ve been going out, he’s always noticing that girl!

And its HER at that! THAT girl!

What gives!

How am I paling in comparison to her? What does she have that I don’t?

No matter. You are not getting him. Not in this lifetime.

Not ever.

* * *

“Alright class, remember to turn in your A-math assignments by tomorrow! And have a good day ahead.”

“Thank you Mr. Lee!”

Yet another period has gone by, another segment of another monotonous day has ended.

And I’ve seen your beautiful back view for yet another period.

It’s not much, but its sheer bliss to me.

How I wish you would turn back and say, “Hi, would you go out with me?”

What a nice thought.

* * *

Even now, I can feel her looking at me, her eyes roaming up and down my back, looking for something delicate lost within the folds of my uniform.

And I bet she’s looking at me with those forlorn eyes.

Why? Why is she always trapped in that state of sadness?

No, I have to find out.

I want to see her smile.

“Hey…”

* * *

What!

What’s going on!

Why has he turned around!

Why is he looking at me!

Why is he saying “Hey” to me!

This can’t be happening, this cannot be happening…

But wait, isn’t this what I’ve been wishing for?

This is practically a godsend!

I must calm down… Must…calm…down…

* * *

Is she ignoring me on purpose? Or is she too taken aback by my sudden initiative?

“Erm…you there?”

* * *

No!

I still can’t do it!

I want to say something, but no words would come out!

WHY!

Why is this happening to me right now! This can’t be happening!

Focus girl! You have to concentrate! Snap out of it right now!

“………Hi?.......”

* * *

She replied!

She actually replied!

This is as close to a miracle as I’d get in this day and age.

Time to get some questions answered.

Time to see that wonderful smile of hers.

“Say…why is it that…”

* * *

I did it.

I actually did the one thing that I didn’t think I would be able to do.

I SPOKE to him.

My heart is pounding like crazy!

What’s this?

What is this fluttering feeling in my chest?

It feels…irritating…yet…warming…at the same time.

I guess its true then…my feelings for him…

But why…why has he stopped mid-sentence…

* * *

How can this be?

Why can’t I complete my sentence?

This never happens! It cannot happen! It will not happen!

But that face, that cute, delightful face bearing those forlorn eyes, framed by the wispy locks of her black bobbed hair, accentuating the sweetness of that endearing face.

This is the first time I’ve noticed, but…

She’s beautiful.

* * *

What’s going on?

Why have things come to a standstill?

Is it something I’ve done? Wait no, I haven’t done anything except…

Yeah…I haven’t done anything!

But so has he!

He has yet to complete his sentence, what was he trying to say!

My heart’s burning from the curiosity, set ablaze by the anticipation.

Ah!

* * *

Hmm? What’s going on here?

Why has my dear Rickson turned around to face that introverted autistic girl!

Why is it always her!

“HEY!”

* * *

That voice.

Joyce? Is that her?

Oh no, just when I was about to ask her.

No, it cannot end like this. I have to ask her.

I have to know!

“Meet me at the rear gate after school, okay?”

* * *

Eh?

Is that a…

Date?

He’s gone now, went off with her.

But does it matter?

Be still my beating heart.

I HAVE A DATE WITH HIM!

Am I dreaming? Is this the start of a vicious nightmare? Heaven, are you making fun of me?

Ow! That hurts. Ok, so its not a dream.

This is real.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Will my pain now finally go away?

++++

Stanza One ---------- End