How long has it been?
Okay don't answer that, it won't be fair for you readers to venture that deep into your submerged consciousness to fish out that minuscule scrap of repugnant detail.
My apologies, dear readers, however few you are.
2010 has been a great year so far I must say, probably the best in the past five. Still, we're only halfway through the year, and I've yet to embark on the next phase of my life since National Service: university.
So my two years have gone by in a flash, filled with its fair share of fun, hardship and mundane boredom. NS gave me a slightly better physique, reinforced my innate rigidity and self-discipline, new buddies, a powered pleasure craft licence and a sixteen-month break from Life in general. During that period, I didn't think about stuff much, just drifted by day by day like a jellyfish in the vast ocean, seemingly without purpose, apparently without direction. But such mundane boredom practically forced my neural gears to turn, put my mental cogs into gear and with speed, thus I found myself thinking about happenings down the road while idling around in the sentry performing my service to the nation.
It's quite incredible: the things you think about when you have absolutely nothing to do. Your brain activity spirals from life after NS to life after marriage and everywhere else in between. Of course, the particularly important event pertaining to my existence right now came up lots of times, and it was during this long period of contemplation that I found peace with myself, Zen if you will. I came to terms with this tricky aspect of my psyche -more or less anyway - and told myself that its not worth it to throw away the balance I've so painstakingly built up ever since those Days. Not for some random flower, not for some trampled ones. The thing with my mentality is that both sides of my brain are constantly in conflict with each other, much like the embodiments of good and evil portrayed by angels and devils in Saturday morning cartoons. Whenever Left thinks of something, Right will overlap that thought with something that's totally converse from that. Example: Left thinks that I'd pass my PPCDL on the first try, Right will nonchalantly say "No." Then the two sides will squabble and fight, and endless thought thus precipitates. My mind functions that way, so though I may show a positive exterior, underneath that neatly crafted glamour is a warzone of epic proportions, where armoured dragons armed with Tesla cannons battle mechanized mammoth tanks bristling with battleship guns - whichever side wins, my mental well-being suffers. Fret not, the latter is not as lethal as it sounds. Like all good republics, my brain will build itself back up from the debris and ruins of the battle, using the devastated material to patch up and construct a new state of mental well-being, an upgrade if you will. I have to sort out my thoughts myself, and while talking to another person might aid in removing steam, ultimately I'd have to destroy myself and rebuild from the ground up.
I dare say I'm more careful now regarding matters of the heart, no longer will I pine and yearn for someone's affections so blindingly, so stupidly. Of course, rules always have exceptions, but the mental framework fabricated from the previous Mind War is still in place, and I HOPE that it'd be in place when I start school. I'm pretty sure there would be no less than a country of distractions there.
My mind hopes that statement would be false, but my heart says "Yes."
My body is going crazy.
Damn it.
