Fundamental Processes

Perhaps it really has been too long. Perhaps I've been too out of touch with conventional protocol governing this aspect of human behaviour.

Or perhaps it is just my fundamental manner of processing eventualities.

This is harder that I had ever envisioned.

Yes, the rewards are significant, satisfying and substantial, but the emotional turmoil en route to those rewards is a steep price to pay.

Very precarious indeed.

I cannot fathom the actual reason behind certain actions, nor dare I venture a guess lest risking the over active cogs of a dynamic engine powering an active imagination. So many possible scenarios can spawn from a single thought: some positive, some bad, others devastating.

It really might be just over thinking on my part, but it is a curse that I must bear.

For as long as I can.

It is so frightening that mere words - electronic or otherwise - and actions have such a hold over my emotional state, capsizing it from optimistic zealot to gloomy cultist.

Regardless, I chose this path, I must walk it till the end.

Even if it scars me yet again.

I have to summon my most impenetrable shields to create the appropriate facade, even if I am dying inside.

I cannot be selfish, but it is only...

Biological.

A Livid and Lucid Dreamscape

It has been a week since the Box was opened.

For so long I have not felt the presence of another in such close proximity, have not experienced the tactile feedback that emanates from physical contact, have not had another human being so receptive of the attention that I am giving.

This is why people crave companionship, it makes you feel complete, like a manhole in your consciousness being filled in with just the right combination of cement and water.

It had not been easy, trying to shed the thoughts that have undoubtedly clouded my better vision and clearer judgment to wreak havoc with the bridge I had so painstakingly built to ferry the precious cargo across.

Indeed, thoughts are a wonderful thing, but at the opportune moment, thoughts can evolve into pointed missiles with the ability to completely remove resolve, conviction and determination.

Thankfully, this time, they became warm thoughts of tiny kittens frolicking in lush meadows slathered with expanses of green grass set against a picturesque backdrop of a bright and brilliant sun.

It has been a little too long, for I have forgotten the wondrous joys that reciprocity of liking entailed.

As I took your hand, you slowly pulled me closer.

As I stood stoically by your side, you gently placed your head upon my arm.

As I put my arm around your shoulders, you moved that bit closer.

As I placed my hand in yours, you grabbed my arm and held it close.

As we waited for the lights to change, you came close and held that moment until red turned to green.

Your tiny, seemingly-inconsequential actions translate into codexes of ancient knowledge that brought enlightenment and comfort to my battered soul.

Just for that, I am immensely grateful.

Even if this were but a hyper-realistic dream crafted by the most proficient of dreamcasters in the deepest reaches of my rarest REM cycle, I do not want to be awakened.

Ever.

Feed the fishes kids.

A New Chapter, A Fresh Start

In a cruel twist of irony, the latest chapter in a long-archived codex has opened up again in September, just like how it was first exposed to the blinding rays of the natural sun six years ago.

This time, it is different.

After more than four months of futile second-guessing and disparate chasing of phantom geese, Schrodinger's Box has finally been opened. Even if the process took me an excruciating hour, the key to the Box was inserted. Even if the locking cylinders took another three hours to cycle open, the lid eventually sprang up to reveal a tiny kitten covered in flaming red fur that looked at me with anticipatory eyes.

I picked it up, cradled the tiny creature in my arms, and walked towards the horizon.

16 September 2012.

That is the day she answered my question.

Even if our interests are worlds or even galaxies apart, we can agree to disagree, looking for alternatives to mutual sources of entertainment. Even if our characters and personalities are complete polar opposites, we can use that to our advantage to complete one another. Even if I have to compete against an extensive array of past experience, I am certain of my capability to steer us onto the correct path for the future.

I will not question your past, for I will be living in your present and perhaps creating your future.

All I ask for is your patience and acceptance in dealing with this kid who refuses to grow up, this narcissistic introvert who uses overly-flowery language in everyday conversation, this rigid and calculated geek who has a massive collection of toys and this lanky boy with an over-reactor in his cranium.

I don't need you to be a good girlfriend, I just need you to be my girlfriend.

Let us walk this path together, slowly but surely, and see where we end up.

It is only logical.

The Endless Struggle

Much like the history of warfare, the relationships I build with individuals of the opposite gender follow a frightening, cyclical pattern, of course with variations and derivations in between. Despite the structured, familiar course these progressive pathways take, I always end up as the defeated nation at the treaty table, the Nazis at Nuremberg, the Iraqis in the Persian Gulf.

I saw this coming, in fact, I engineered it to be so. Yet now, I find myself unable to cope with the rising consequences of my actions months earlier. If I didn't take the action I took months ago, history would have been written in a different, less eventful but also devoid of the inner torture that laces my daily existence.

As the battleship (the Spartan) that represents my emotional well-being traverses through the Great Battle of Side 2, it is taking sustained damage from both intrinsic and exterior forces. Internal strife threaten to break the will of the valiant crew, temporary held in check by a stoic captain who is uncertain how long his impassiveness will hold in the face of such overwhelming odds. Out in the chaotic expanses of Side 2, enemy warships and mobile units pepper the ship's shields with relentless cannon, machine gun and missile barrages, each successful hit bringing the battleship closer to annihilation. As the Spartan lists stubbornly to port in order to dodge a salvo of heat-seeking missiles, the bridge crew spot something far away that infuses them with the motivation to continue. However, a gigantic space fortress stands between the Spartan and that particular end-game.

Yet, the ship must push through, it has to get to its ultimate goal.

It has to open the one thing that will end this terrible war.

Schrodinger's Box.

Mid-Year Checkpoint

And so it has lapsed.

Half a year.

Six months.

Two quarters.

It is at once bewildering and also heartening to note that so much has happened within this seemingly short time, a kaleidoscopic panaroma of emotions, events and happenstances that add sordid lines to this chapter of my existence.

For the first time in my 24 years, I finally understood the pain my parents went through to put us through school. The psychological anguish, the mental stress, the emotional whiplash: all these constitute the modern condition of the workforce. My lifelong adage has served me well, and it has to continue withstanding the relentless perils that surface within the working environment.

Adapt or die.

As for the other part of my life that constantly plagues me, this year has been no better. Previous posts have covered what might have been, what could have been, but they sure did not cover why did you do it again.

I charted this path, I laid out this roadmap. Now I have to bear the consequences of my actions (or inaction) and carry this through. However, for once in a very long while, it seems remotely promising this time.

Even if that desire is encased in liquid nitrogen surrounded by an enclosure of orbiting fluoride-lasers.

We will see.

Lamentation

Of all the emotions across the entire spectrum, sorrow makes its presence readily felt. Sorrow tints even the most euphoric of situations, completely envelops scenarios depicting utter despair and apocalyptic mayhem. It is sorrow that is most tangible, most plausible and nearly impossible to dismiss regardless of an individual's level of emotional mastery.

As the days oozed into weeks, the initial inspiration, motivation and encouragement morbidly morphed into frustration, altercation, consternation. On hindsight, such an outcome would not have transgressed had the first step not be made, had the initial foray into the dangerous yet tantalising unknown be embarked on. 

Alas, all had transpired, and even if it was encapsulated in uncertainty, shrouded in hopelessness and punctuated with monumental dread, it was undoubtedly worthwhile.

Now, the banquet must end, and all that remains is the need to mitigate the damage, to cut the losses.

To end it all.

As the conjoining pillars fall and waste away, one can only hope that sanity will not follow suit, plunging into abysmal despair and into a downward spiral of destruction. The moves have been made, the subtlety has been conveyed and whatever resources have been expended to exhaustion. The status quo however, is still unfathomable, indiscernible, undifferentiated: like a sealed Schrodinger’s box, as it had been from the very beginning. 

Perhaps it is time to hark back to simpler periods, when such matters took a backseat from the other facets of life. 

Perhaps it is time to transcend this futility and move into an adjacent, more soothing realm of existence.

Perhaps Occam's Razor should be applied, and followed all the way through.

Even if it goes against every thought, feeling, emotion.

That inevitable eventuality has surfaced, and now it is instrumental to fade back into the background, to disintegrate back into the shadows of oblivion. 

Just as it was from the very beginning.

Yet Another Year

I probably should have posted this a week or two back, but didn't get around to do it. Regardless, here it is, a faithful port from my Facebook note. :D

~~~

When the end of a year rolls around, it's pretty amazing and scary at the same time. An assortment of thoughts will no doubt flood through the tiny little human head, thinking of what had been done the past year, what was missed and of course what could have been. Then the new year resolutions will start to formulate themselves, and the requisite plegdes to honor those resolutions will also begin their shaky, twisting journey through the year.

This note will be one such resolution: to pen down what I have accomplished at the end of each year.

Thinking back, 2011 was really a roller coaster ride of varied emotions. Life itself wasn't particularly tough nor harrowing, in fact, it was pretty gracious in that it opened and reopened several new outlets to my sphere of existence (more on that in a bit). It was the mental exercise that has always plagued my logic circuitry, the tendency to overthink a matter to the point of self-absorption relative to its impact on my immediate or even delayed environment. Then again, it is this thinking process that governs my being, and has long been a crucial and even vital element that defines my person, however flawed it may be.

2011 was the year that I completed all course requirements for my degree programme, which means that I have sort of graduated from the tertiary journey I began almost 1.5 years ago. The fact that I managed to maintain decent grades while juggling both a full-time job and evening classes gave me a little boost in the confidence department, which has been losing staff in recent times.

This particular job I took during my entire degree stint also broke a personal record: the longest period of being a full-time staff at a single company. Throughout the 13 months at NYP, I learned a great deal about it's sector of business, the way our education system operates and of course the perks and hazards of the working world. While not exactly a permanent staff of the institution, I was still exposed to a lion's share of office politics and shenanigans, which forced me to learn on the job and take the necessary action. In short, working made me "deal with it", my most-used and most-parodied mantra yet.

NYP also expanded my social sphere, blessing me with a bunch of younger kids who are a blast to be with. Working with them made the dreadful time pass faster, and although we had our differences in opinion and character, we managed to sort things out and come out of our disagreements maintaining the status quo, or even with an improvement to the current relations. I wish for all of them to be happy and cheerful, and please remember this uncle with whom you worked with for the better part of 2011.

Even if I like writing, it didn't occur to me that the things I say would be important or even noticeable enough to be put on the national press. Let's face it, Singapore is too small a country to differentiate our media by regions or towns: every form of traditional media here in our tiny island is national press. I wrote in to Today four times in 2011, and each letter was published in either the online format or print format. The very first article I wrote in made the "headline letter" section in the edition of Today it was published in, and it sure made me feel glad. Apart from Today, one of my letters was also sent to The Straits Times, who phoned me and said that my letter was being considered for publication. Even if it did not make it into the eventual edition of the newspaper, being considered was good enough - it is like being nominated for an Oscar award, your merit has been recognised by some higher deciding power.

2011 also showed me the reality of the world: the SCAPE fiasco brought some cold hard truths to bear. There really exists people in the world who would just leave a commitment behind and expect it to be better three months later. Even if no tangible reward is available to those directly involved in the project, at least afford us some god-damned gratitude: we don't slog our lives away after our daytime commitments to be given reprimand - if I'd wanted that kind of treatment I would have signed on with the army. The only silver lining in this dark cloud were the true friends who rose through the darkness and pulled through together, while disregarding several undeserving imbeciles unworthy of my attention and respect. In all, 2011 both forged and destroyed friendships, for all reasons on the spectrum.

If there is to be a defining event in 2011 that overshadows all others, it will be my month-long trip to the United States of America. By itself, the event shattered a number of records: destroying my slight fear of flying, demolishing my fear of traveling, eradicating my fear of living together with people apart from my family and close friends, obliterating my fear of life in the USA and of course removing my fear of not adapting to a different environment. The trip also marked my first forary out of our sandy shores in probably a decade, and is also the longest period of time I have stayed alone overseas.

The trip proved to be a fruitful one, exposing my senses to a non-Singaporean environment and really being an absolute eye-opener. Halfway throughout the trip I felt like the proverbial frog in the well, narrowed educated but slowly creeping out of my comfort zone to learn more. Living alone abroad posed a significant number of challenges, but I made it through without dire eventualities or causes of concern, so that is an absolute plus.

Snapping photographs during my journey in the USA also opened my doors to the beautiful world of digital photography. A camera's ability to capture a that specific sequence, to crystalise that Moment, is really a remarkable invention. To me, photographs serve as, well, photographic evidence and hence memories of whoever and wherever I had the chance to snap pictures of, and memories are things I truly treasure.

On the social front, I seem to still have slight problems conversing with members of the opposite gender. Perhaps the stigma from the previous downfall is still making its latent presence felt, perhaps some innate barrier or protective device is in place to safeguard me from another devastating Fall. Or maybe I am just not ready, despite my insistent statements otherwise. Regardless, better my own heart shattered than anyone else's, they don't have to pay for my own emotional transgressions.

There, I think that should just about cover it. I haven't accomplished much in terms of hard skills, but my softer skills have seen a drastic tempering from work, school and everything else in between.Yes, I still have some ways to go in almost every asepct, but there's no rushing it, these things take time to cement.

In the meantime, I'll deal with it. :)

Happy 2012 everyone, may your paths through this year be paved with polished ivory and bright lit with efficient lamps. :D