Mid-Year Checkpoint

And so it has lapsed.

Half a year.

Six months.

Two quarters.

It is at once bewildering and also heartening to note that so much has happened within this seemingly short time, a kaleidoscopic panaroma of emotions, events and happenstances that add sordid lines to this chapter of my existence.

For the first time in my 24 years, I finally understood the pain my parents went through to put us through school. The psychological anguish, the mental stress, the emotional whiplash: all these constitute the modern condition of the workforce. My lifelong adage has served me well, and it has to continue withstanding the relentless perils that surface within the working environment.

Adapt or die.

As for the other part of my life that constantly plagues me, this year has been no better. Previous posts have covered what might have been, what could have been, but they sure did not cover why did you do it again.

I charted this path, I laid out this roadmap. Now I have to bear the consequences of my actions (or inaction) and carry this through. However, for once in a very long while, it seems remotely promising this time.

Even if that desire is encased in liquid nitrogen surrounded by an enclosure of orbiting fluoride-lasers.

We will see.

Lamentation

Of all the emotions across the entire spectrum, sorrow makes its presence readily felt. Sorrow tints even the most euphoric of situations, completely envelops scenarios depicting utter despair and apocalyptic mayhem. It is sorrow that is most tangible, most plausible and nearly impossible to dismiss regardless of an individual's level of emotional mastery.

As the days oozed into weeks, the initial inspiration, motivation and encouragement morbidly morphed into frustration, altercation, consternation. On hindsight, such an outcome would not have transgressed had the first step not be made, had the initial foray into the dangerous yet tantalising unknown be embarked on. 

Alas, all had transpired, and even if it was encapsulated in uncertainty, shrouded in hopelessness and punctuated with monumental dread, it was undoubtedly worthwhile.

Now, the banquet must end, and all that remains is the need to mitigate the damage, to cut the losses.

To end it all.

As the conjoining pillars fall and waste away, one can only hope that sanity will not follow suit, plunging into abysmal despair and into a downward spiral of destruction. The moves have been made, the subtlety has been conveyed and whatever resources have been expended to exhaustion. The status quo however, is still unfathomable, indiscernible, undifferentiated: like a sealed Schrodinger’s box, as it had been from the very beginning. 

Perhaps it is time to hark back to simpler periods, when such matters took a backseat from the other facets of life. 

Perhaps it is time to transcend this futility and move into an adjacent, more soothing realm of existence.

Perhaps Occam's Razor should be applied, and followed all the way through.

Even if it goes against every thought, feeling, emotion.

That inevitable eventuality has surfaced, and now it is instrumental to fade back into the background, to disintegrate back into the shadows of oblivion. 

Just as it was from the very beginning.

Yet Another Year

I probably should have posted this a week or two back, but didn't get around to do it. Regardless, here it is, a faithful port from my Facebook note. :D

~~~

When the end of a year rolls around, it's pretty amazing and scary at the same time. An assortment of thoughts will no doubt flood through the tiny little human head, thinking of what had been done the past year, what was missed and of course what could have been. Then the new year resolutions will start to formulate themselves, and the requisite plegdes to honor those resolutions will also begin their shaky, twisting journey through the year.

This note will be one such resolution: to pen down what I have accomplished at the end of each year.

Thinking back, 2011 was really a roller coaster ride of varied emotions. Life itself wasn't particularly tough nor harrowing, in fact, it was pretty gracious in that it opened and reopened several new outlets to my sphere of existence (more on that in a bit). It was the mental exercise that has always plagued my logic circuitry, the tendency to overthink a matter to the point of self-absorption relative to its impact on my immediate or even delayed environment. Then again, it is this thinking process that governs my being, and has long been a crucial and even vital element that defines my person, however flawed it may be.

2011 was the year that I completed all course requirements for my degree programme, which means that I have sort of graduated from the tertiary journey I began almost 1.5 years ago. The fact that I managed to maintain decent grades while juggling both a full-time job and evening classes gave me a little boost in the confidence department, which has been losing staff in recent times.

This particular job I took during my entire degree stint also broke a personal record: the longest period of being a full-time staff at a single company. Throughout the 13 months at NYP, I learned a great deal about it's sector of business, the way our education system operates and of course the perks and hazards of the working world. While not exactly a permanent staff of the institution, I was still exposed to a lion's share of office politics and shenanigans, which forced me to learn on the job and take the necessary action. In short, working made me "deal with it", my most-used and most-parodied mantra yet.

NYP also expanded my social sphere, blessing me with a bunch of younger kids who are a blast to be with. Working with them made the dreadful time pass faster, and although we had our differences in opinion and character, we managed to sort things out and come out of our disagreements maintaining the status quo, or even with an improvement to the current relations. I wish for all of them to be happy and cheerful, and please remember this uncle with whom you worked with for the better part of 2011.

Even if I like writing, it didn't occur to me that the things I say would be important or even noticeable enough to be put on the national press. Let's face it, Singapore is too small a country to differentiate our media by regions or towns: every form of traditional media here in our tiny island is national press. I wrote in to Today four times in 2011, and each letter was published in either the online format or print format. The very first article I wrote in made the "headline letter" section in the edition of Today it was published in, and it sure made me feel glad. Apart from Today, one of my letters was also sent to The Straits Times, who phoned me and said that my letter was being considered for publication. Even if it did not make it into the eventual edition of the newspaper, being considered was good enough - it is like being nominated for an Oscar award, your merit has been recognised by some higher deciding power.

2011 also showed me the reality of the world: the SCAPE fiasco brought some cold hard truths to bear. There really exists people in the world who would just leave a commitment behind and expect it to be better three months later. Even if no tangible reward is available to those directly involved in the project, at least afford us some god-damned gratitude: we don't slog our lives away after our daytime commitments to be given reprimand - if I'd wanted that kind of treatment I would have signed on with the army. The only silver lining in this dark cloud were the true friends who rose through the darkness and pulled through together, while disregarding several undeserving imbeciles unworthy of my attention and respect. In all, 2011 both forged and destroyed friendships, for all reasons on the spectrum.

If there is to be a defining event in 2011 that overshadows all others, it will be my month-long trip to the United States of America. By itself, the event shattered a number of records: destroying my slight fear of flying, demolishing my fear of traveling, eradicating my fear of living together with people apart from my family and close friends, obliterating my fear of life in the USA and of course removing my fear of not adapting to a different environment. The trip also marked my first forary out of our sandy shores in probably a decade, and is also the longest period of time I have stayed alone overseas.

The trip proved to be a fruitful one, exposing my senses to a non-Singaporean environment and really being an absolute eye-opener. Halfway throughout the trip I felt like the proverbial frog in the well, narrowed educated but slowly creeping out of my comfort zone to learn more. Living alone abroad posed a significant number of challenges, but I made it through without dire eventualities or causes of concern, so that is an absolute plus.

Snapping photographs during my journey in the USA also opened my doors to the beautiful world of digital photography. A camera's ability to capture a that specific sequence, to crystalise that Moment, is really a remarkable invention. To me, photographs serve as, well, photographic evidence and hence memories of whoever and wherever I had the chance to snap pictures of, and memories are things I truly treasure.

On the social front, I seem to still have slight problems conversing with members of the opposite gender. Perhaps the stigma from the previous downfall is still making its latent presence felt, perhaps some innate barrier or protective device is in place to safeguard me from another devastating Fall. Or maybe I am just not ready, despite my insistent statements otherwise. Regardless, better my own heart shattered than anyone else's, they don't have to pay for my own emotional transgressions.

There, I think that should just about cover it. I haven't accomplished much in terms of hard skills, but my softer skills have seen a drastic tempering from work, school and everything else in between.Yes, I still have some ways to go in almost every asepct, but there's no rushing it, these things take time to cement.

In the meantime, I'll deal with it. :)

Happy 2012 everyone, may your paths through this year be paved with polished ivory and bright lit with efficient lamps. :D

Check

Like the passing of a comet through our tiny solar system, my blog posts come and well, don't come, as they please, largely dependent on whether the intellect behind them is in the mood to pen down a post, the state of his emotional well-being or whether he has ranked and prioritzed blogging as imperative over all other things currently within his wide-reaching purview.

Fortunately, this is one such time.

It's been almost three months since the kids left, leaving the office many degrees more silent, and very much colder. Without their energy and personalities to punctuate the drudgery of everyday work, the office is merely an empty construct, devoid of feeling, thought or emotion. It feels as if time had been reversed back to a year ago, when I first set foot on the gray carpeted floor and weaved through the labyrinth of faux wood furniture. I was alone then, and it feels like I'm alone now as well, especially if my only other colleague is manning the front desk.

Sometimes I wonder, how did I survive so long in this place, performing a whole assortment of tasks for a meager paycheck and to put myself through seemingly unnecessary turmoil and torture? I could have easily gone for a full-time degree programme, eradicating the need or feasibility of having a job. But who is going to pay for the car's petrol, ERP, road tax and other associated fees? Who is going to pay for the DSLR? Who is going to pay for my hobby expenditure?

No one, but myself.

I know myself well enough to understand that in order for me to not atrophy into dust by having too much free time on my hands, I have to be put through my paces and challenged, for activity and having stuff to do is the primary source of my being, my fuel if you will. Granted, at times I wish for nothing on my plate, but those periods are rare and fleeting.

Therefore, this work-school arrangement is most optimal for my current and future development, and is a model I will probably adopt to other scenarios if applicable.

On a side note, I thought of this new theory to characterize the process which always finds its way into my blog posts. I call it: the Germ Theory of Affection.

As with all diseases, it starts with a single germ, and this particular germ represents the YY-chromosomed individual who ventured into my system. The germ will be classified as the X-Strain, where X is the name of the individual. As the virus matures and multiplies, my systems start to falter, and eventually I succumb to the full might of the germ, laying my heart bare and ripe for the taking.

If the Strain is strong enough, it would succeed, otherwise, it would withdraw and go into remission. In the event that a particular Strain actually gains control of my heart, a team of specialists and experts will have to pull me from the brink of disaster, and I would have to fight tooth and nail to repress the condition myself. Generally, I would make it and see the next sunrise, but like all superviruses, each Strain will never be wholly obliterated from my systems, they will merely be in remission, awaiting the opportune moment to strike again.

Waiting for the moment to spring a devastating and unexpected relapse.

Even if the Strain isn't particularly damaging or developed, any form of assault on my systems is still considerable, and repeated action would quickly wear down any defenses raised and penetrate my shields. As for the more hi-level Strains, well, let's just say that all it takes is a single touch to take my life.

The Strain which had been in remission and suppression for the past year has awoken yesterday, but it is still weak, still reeling from the pressure put on it the last time it wreaked havoc. Nonetheless, it is now active, but I am biding my time, looking to see how this particular Strain will develop.

We shall see.

Feed the fish kids.