One Last Time

Again and again and again.

Is it just me, or am I really destined to be plagued by such matters during the early years of my life (I hope)? It was saddening when it happened the first time, interesting the second, painfully hopeless the third and when it occurred again for the nth time, it’s just not funny anymore. I can’t bring myself to look for a silver lining in all this, and I’m by any measure a crazily optimistic person.

Perhaps I had been wrong when I took the initial steps, the successive approximations leading to this ultimate predicament. Behavioral science speaks of reciprocity, maybe I’m but a victim of that proven concept. But ask any guy out there, even the not-so-normal ones, and they will relish the thought of having another person’s (preferably of the opposite gender) full attention fixated on solely you alone, it really is quite gratifying.

I reckon I’ve already said this before in a similar post (see, this nonsense happens on a frighteningly-regular basis), humans are social creatures: much as we say we want to be left alone and whatnot, the fact remains that human beings are genetically programmed to be gregarious, we want to be with another person. At the basest biological level, it is to advance the species, to ensure that your own unique genetic line won’t die out. At another more affective level, we all need some measure of companionship, and research has shown that loners have a disturbingly higher chance of being schizophrenic and suicidal. Erikson’s Intimacy VS Isolation stage of psychosocial development is really evident in this stage of my life, we either form a close, intimate bond with someone else or walk down the path of loneliness as time passes (Ciccarilli & White, 2010). Personally I prefer the former, but evidentially, I’d been proven otherwise time and again.

As my life is slowly piecing itself into a positive, near-perfect structure, it will never be truly complete without that one particular element of the puzzle. That piece alone would near singlehandedly be the major source of motivation for everything I do, and being the sentimental fool I am, I would probably do anything and everything within my power to upkeep the status quo. Of course, nothing is absolute. If the problem stems from the other side, it is exclusive of my locus of control, and more drastic, dire measures might have to be employed to combat or discontinue the threat. If the problem is from my end, I would do whatever it takes to finish what I started, even a fairytale ending is in doubt.

Two years of contemplation made me realize a lot of things, but there are some that can never be thoroughly thought through even with decades of time.

It is very tiring to be thinking of someone most of your waking hours, tiring to constantly think to inform someone when something happy or funny happens, tiring to always think what that other person is doing right now, and if that person is doing something else other than communicate with you. You can see the scary thought-process here, but that is the sad truth. We are all affected by a myriad of environmental factors, and we can’t be free all the time (even me, surprisingly). I understand that, but my brain just ventures into that aspect on its own, it’s uncontrollable, biological even!

You advanced fast, strong but withdrew equally swift and powerful as well. Now you’re back, but more subdued, controlled. You are by far the toughest nut to crack to ever end up in my basket, and I’ve nearly depleted my resources trying to decipher your cryptic clues, if they were clues in the first place. So much for my self-touted ability to be able to read things like that with a high degree of accuracy, guess I was wrong.

All things considered, I probably should just let you go, and move on (again). Yet there is still a little sliver of hope, perhaps a figment of my optimism, or a manifestation of my unconscious mind to complete what’s missing. I don’t need your commitment, all I need is your answer: yes or no, good or bad, to tell me if I should proceed forward or to “draw the line”. Uncertainty is my hated enemy, and I go through all ways and means to eliminate it, that is, every instance of it except this one. I can’t shake this feeling.

So… tell me your wish, whatever it is. Yes or no, I must know.

Uncertainty

I hate it.

Black or white.

Not grayscale.

Tell me.

As soon as you can.

It's Near

Can you feel my heartbeat?

It's a cyclical process that I wish removed from the collective human conscience, a psychological pathogen hardwired into the psyche of humanity, destined to force blowouts and intense intra-warfare within the cramped confines of the human command center.

I was happy.

A pleasant dream I had, sadly it didn't exist in this universe; I envy the other Me.

Do not just turn around.

Did I take the wrong turn? Or am I just over sensitive, the particular sector of my brain dramatically attuned to matters of such a nature? It has happened many times before, too many times in fact to warrant nomenclature and further study. This time however, was a double whammy, a pointblank double-barrel to the face.

What should I do?

Perhaps I was overconfident, perhaps I thought too highly of myself. Thoughts, dangerous thoughts, flood through my head, threatening to overwhelm me without a moment's notice. All those maddening thoughts along with doubts. Questions. Queries. Mysteries. Puzzles. Enigmas. Fallacies.

I'm sorry.

Whys.

Listen to my why.

Can such a thing even manifest in the ethereal plane, much less the corporeal one? Things are going the way envisioned, but in a direction of their own, as if granted the gift of life, swirling along the supposedly fixed path in all manner of directions, curiously exploring this, intently studying that.

Don't...

I started writing this in the hopes of a better, clearer mind to better stave off the scourge ravaging my mind like neural scurvy. A bunch of good that did.

I was wrong.

Still, I have to face the fact. I cannot hide from it forever. Yes, progress has been made, many times more than if I had been stuck in my previous rut of a social arsenal. Although its something new, it still feels like I've gone down this road before. A dark, lonely road with no end in sight.

But here I go again, oh no.

Even before it began, I foresaw the ending, contemplated every possible outcome, scripted out every eventual scenario. Yet, I didn't want to admit them, didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the ending will always be the same. No matter what I do.

I know, I know, I know.

How then, do you expect me to pull through the rest of the days, to witness the glory right in front of my eyes, to put up a futile facade, to drain every ounce of my mental power just to do some random action? I can't. I really cannot.

Without you, without you.

Dreams, however vivid, are still dreams. Right now, the two brains are mustering their forces for war, and the weapons being called into play are getting bigger and deadlier than ever. It's gonna be one heck of a super war, and I imagine it would be long drawn-out and immensely taxing on both sides, as I foresee multiple distractions materialising to lull either side into a false sense of security. I don't want to know which side will win, don't want to root for something which would only ruin me if it didn't. Neither will I bet on the side whose goal is to destroy me anyway. It's really the devil or the deep blue sea.

I'm gonna be okay.

Time is either a bitch or a saint, depending on the circumstances. Presently, its a hybrid mutant of both, something I previously thought impossible: much as I want it to come to an end quickly, I know that only time will spell the outcome. Whether good or ill. Maybe I should just give it up, not give a damn anymore. It's hard, but it can be done, and I can do it if I want to.

Time, please stop.

I'll be fine. I hope.

Stars, I'm going crazy.

---

In order of appearance:

2PM - Heartbeat

Jo Sungmo - I Was Happy

Koyote - Return

Rain - Love Song

8eight - Farewell Is Coming

MBLAQ - Y

2AM - I Was Wrong

2PM - Again and Again

Son Hoyoung - I Know

2PM - Without You

Davichi - Time, Please Stop

SNSD - Star, Star, Star

First Post of the Year 2010

OMG.

How long has it been?

Okay don't answer that, it won't be fair for you readers to venture that deep into your submerged consciousness to fish out that minuscule scrap of repugnant detail.

My apologies, dear readers, however few you are.

2010 has been a great year so far I must say, probably the best in the past five. Still, we're only halfway through the year, and I've yet to embark on the next phase of my life since National Service: university.

So my two years have gone by in a flash, filled with its fair share of fun, hardship and mundane boredom. NS gave me a slightly better physique, reinforced my innate rigidity and self-discipline, new buddies, a powered pleasure craft licence and a sixteen-month break from Life in general. During that period, I didn't think about stuff much, just drifted by day by day like a jellyfish in the vast ocean, seemingly without purpose, apparently without direction. But such mundane boredom practically forced my neural gears to turn, put my mental cogs into gear and with speed, thus I found myself thinking about happenings down the road while idling around in the sentry performing my service to the nation.

It's quite incredible: the things you think about when you have absolutely nothing to do. Your brain activity spirals from life after NS to life after marriage and everywhere else in between. Of course, the particularly important event pertaining to my existence right now came up lots of times, and it was during this long period of contemplation that I found peace with myself, Zen if you will. I came to terms with this tricky aspect of my psyche -more or less anyway - and told myself that its not worth it to throw away the balance I've so painstakingly built up ever since those Days. Not for some random flower, not for some trampled ones. The thing with my mentality is that both sides of my brain are constantly in conflict with each other, much like the embodiments of good and evil portrayed by angels and devils in Saturday morning cartoons. Whenever Left thinks of something, Right will overlap that thought with something that's totally converse from that. Example: Left thinks that I'd pass my PPCDL on the first try, Right will nonchalantly say "No." Then the two sides will squabble and fight, and endless thought thus precipitates. My mind functions that way, so though I may show a positive exterior, underneath that neatly crafted glamour is a warzone of epic proportions, where armoured dragons armed with Tesla cannons battle mechanized mammoth tanks bristling with battleship guns - whichever side wins, my mental well-being suffers. Fret not, the latter is not as lethal as it sounds. Like all good republics, my brain will build itself back up from the debris and ruins of the battle, using the devastated material to patch up and construct a new state of mental well-being, an upgrade if you will. I have to sort out my thoughts myself, and while talking to another person might aid in removing steam, ultimately I'd have to destroy myself and rebuild from the ground up.

I dare say I'm more careful now regarding matters of the heart, no longer will I pine and yearn for someone's affections so blindingly, so stupidly. Of course, rules always have exceptions, but the mental framework fabricated from the previous Mind War is still in place, and I HOPE that it'd be in place when I start school. I'm pretty sure there would be no less than a country of distractions there.

My mind hopes that statement would be false, but my heart says "Yes."

My body is going crazy.

Damn it.