One Last Time

Again and again and again.

Is it just me, or am I really destined to be plagued by such matters during the early years of my life (I hope)? It was saddening when it happened the first time, interesting the second, painfully hopeless the third and when it occurred again for the nth time, it’s just not funny anymore. I can’t bring myself to look for a silver lining in all this, and I’m by any measure a crazily optimistic person.

Perhaps I had been wrong when I took the initial steps, the successive approximations leading to this ultimate predicament. Behavioral science speaks of reciprocity, maybe I’m but a victim of that proven concept. But ask any guy out there, even the not-so-normal ones, and they will relish the thought of having another person’s (preferably of the opposite gender) full attention fixated on solely you alone, it really is quite gratifying.

I reckon I’ve already said this before in a similar post (see, this nonsense happens on a frighteningly-regular basis), humans are social creatures: much as we say we want to be left alone and whatnot, the fact remains that human beings are genetically programmed to be gregarious, we want to be with another person. At the basest biological level, it is to advance the species, to ensure that your own unique genetic line won’t die out. At another more affective level, we all need some measure of companionship, and research has shown that loners have a disturbingly higher chance of being schizophrenic and suicidal. Erikson’s Intimacy VS Isolation stage of psychosocial development is really evident in this stage of my life, we either form a close, intimate bond with someone else or walk down the path of loneliness as time passes (Ciccarilli & White, 2010). Personally I prefer the former, but evidentially, I’d been proven otherwise time and again.

As my life is slowly piecing itself into a positive, near-perfect structure, it will never be truly complete without that one particular element of the puzzle. That piece alone would near singlehandedly be the major source of motivation for everything I do, and being the sentimental fool I am, I would probably do anything and everything within my power to upkeep the status quo. Of course, nothing is absolute. If the problem stems from the other side, it is exclusive of my locus of control, and more drastic, dire measures might have to be employed to combat or discontinue the threat. If the problem is from my end, I would do whatever it takes to finish what I started, even a fairytale ending is in doubt.

Two years of contemplation made me realize a lot of things, but there are some that can never be thoroughly thought through even with decades of time.

It is very tiring to be thinking of someone most of your waking hours, tiring to constantly think to inform someone when something happy or funny happens, tiring to always think what that other person is doing right now, and if that person is doing something else other than communicate with you. You can see the scary thought-process here, but that is the sad truth. We are all affected by a myriad of environmental factors, and we can’t be free all the time (even me, surprisingly). I understand that, but my brain just ventures into that aspect on its own, it’s uncontrollable, biological even!

You advanced fast, strong but withdrew equally swift and powerful as well. Now you’re back, but more subdued, controlled. You are by far the toughest nut to crack to ever end up in my basket, and I’ve nearly depleted my resources trying to decipher your cryptic clues, if they were clues in the first place. So much for my self-touted ability to be able to read things like that with a high degree of accuracy, guess I was wrong.

All things considered, I probably should just let you go, and move on (again). Yet there is still a little sliver of hope, perhaps a figment of my optimism, or a manifestation of my unconscious mind to complete what’s missing. I don’t need your commitment, all I need is your answer: yes or no, good or bad, to tell me if I should proceed forward or to “draw the line”. Uncertainty is my hated enemy, and I go through all ways and means to eliminate it, that is, every instance of it except this one. I can’t shake this feeling.

So… tell me your wish, whatever it is. Yes or no, I must know.