It's Near

Can you feel my heartbeat?

It's a cyclical process that I wish removed from the collective human conscience, a psychological pathogen hardwired into the psyche of humanity, destined to force blowouts and intense intra-warfare within the cramped confines of the human command center.

I was happy.

A pleasant dream I had, sadly it didn't exist in this universe; I envy the other Me.

Do not just turn around.

Did I take the wrong turn? Or am I just over sensitive, the particular sector of my brain dramatically attuned to matters of such a nature? It has happened many times before, too many times in fact to warrant nomenclature and further study. This time however, was a double whammy, a pointblank double-barrel to the face.

What should I do?

Perhaps I was overconfident, perhaps I thought too highly of myself. Thoughts, dangerous thoughts, flood through my head, threatening to overwhelm me without a moment's notice. All those maddening thoughts along with doubts. Questions. Queries. Mysteries. Puzzles. Enigmas. Fallacies.

I'm sorry.

Whys.

Listen to my why.

Can such a thing even manifest in the ethereal plane, much less the corporeal one? Things are going the way envisioned, but in a direction of their own, as if granted the gift of life, swirling along the supposedly fixed path in all manner of directions, curiously exploring this, intently studying that.

Don't...

I started writing this in the hopes of a better, clearer mind to better stave off the scourge ravaging my mind like neural scurvy. A bunch of good that did.

I was wrong.

Still, I have to face the fact. I cannot hide from it forever. Yes, progress has been made, many times more than if I had been stuck in my previous rut of a social arsenal. Although its something new, it still feels like I've gone down this road before. A dark, lonely road with no end in sight.

But here I go again, oh no.

Even before it began, I foresaw the ending, contemplated every possible outcome, scripted out every eventual scenario. Yet, I didn't want to admit them, didn't want to acknowledge the fact that the ending will always be the same. No matter what I do.

I know, I know, I know.

How then, do you expect me to pull through the rest of the days, to witness the glory right in front of my eyes, to put up a futile facade, to drain every ounce of my mental power just to do some random action? I can't. I really cannot.

Without you, without you.

Dreams, however vivid, are still dreams. Right now, the two brains are mustering their forces for war, and the weapons being called into play are getting bigger and deadlier than ever. It's gonna be one heck of a super war, and I imagine it would be long drawn-out and immensely taxing on both sides, as I foresee multiple distractions materialising to lull either side into a false sense of security. I don't want to know which side will win, don't want to root for something which would only ruin me if it didn't. Neither will I bet on the side whose goal is to destroy me anyway. It's really the devil or the deep blue sea.

I'm gonna be okay.

Time is either a bitch or a saint, depending on the circumstances. Presently, its a hybrid mutant of both, something I previously thought impossible: much as I want it to come to an end quickly, I know that only time will spell the outcome. Whether good or ill. Maybe I should just give it up, not give a damn anymore. It's hard, but it can be done, and I can do it if I want to.

Time, please stop.

I'll be fine. I hope.

Stars, I'm going crazy.

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In order of appearance:

2PM - Heartbeat

Jo Sungmo - I Was Happy

Koyote - Return

Rain - Love Song

8eight - Farewell Is Coming

MBLAQ - Y

2AM - I Was Wrong

2PM - Again and Again

Son Hoyoung - I Know

2PM - Without You

Davichi - Time, Please Stop

SNSD - Star, Star, Star