Into Darkness

Before I begin with this post proper, allow me to provide a simple breakdown of my life’s components:

•           Work: 50%
•           Costuming: 5%
•           Gaming 5%
•           Nerf/Tactical Sports: 10%
•           Family: 20%
•           Gundam: 5%
•           Others: 5%

The above is a rough estimate of the activities that take up most of my time, the things that demand for my regular attention. However, the above is before variable A came into the picture.

Variable A replaced everything below Work.

I entered this equation filled with hope but armed with wary, as preliminary studies indicated that variable A was atypical, different from the run-of-the-mill, factory-churned specimens I was used to. The studies were accurate, the past few months had been one emotional roller-coaster ride after another. Yet, I endured, for the results from a successful solution were deeply affective and very fulfilling. Simply put, variable A completed the equation, without which it would remain unbalanced, unsolvable and useless.

Math metaphors aside, I did all I could to make variable A happy, cheerful, content. I tended to her every need, tried to fulfill her every want, stayed by her side longer than anyone else in my life and tried all ways and means to maintain the status quo. Orthodox, unethical, legal, dangerous, mortally-damaging, turnkey solutions – I’ve tried them all. So why am I teary-eyed five days a week? Why do I do to bed with a heavy, damaged heart? Why do I wake up to a miasma of dread and gloom?

I know you can’t help it, you are going through some pretty tough times yourself. But is it too much to ask for you to be a bit happier? You display that same haggard look every day, you give me the cold shoulder on a near-daily basis, you respond coldly to my texts. To put it harshly, you simply don’t give a damn, whether it is about the shit I go through at work or about the other things in my… wait.

There are no other things in my life anymore.

And when you give me the silent treatment, I honestly don't feel like living anymore. It’s akin to a red-hot katana forged from the fires of Mount Doom bladed with a scaled-down version of the Death Star’s laser driven into my helpless heart at transwarp speed.

Fate challenged me to play this game on legendary, but now, I’m seriously wondering if the final cutscene is really worth it. Perhaps, I really wasn't ready.

Everyday, I am so fatigued by any number of things. The mental and psychological stress placed on me by my mounting workload can only be laughed off but never alleviated. I live with a perpetually churned-gut, always thinking of the next project, the next deadline, the next incident which would throw an already disheveled system into total anarchy. It is perplexing, tormenting and downright destructive, yet I cannot transcend this.

I also feel so guilty for disregarding my family ever since she came into my life. My home has become just a place for me to get some sleep, a hot shower and a change of clothes, but also a refugee camp for when the damage is just too dire. I feel so, so bad not talking to my parents more, giving them simple answers whenever they ask me anything at home. I really cannot summon up the motivation and processing power to prolong the conversation, my resources have been spent elsewhere. For that, I am really sorry.

My friends have been with me for the longest time, through the period of my greatest agony, through the good times of my life. I cannot ask for finer friends, for they are the only constant in this churning maelstrom that my life has become. They will always be a harbour for my nonsense, my randomness, my infatuation with SNSD as well as the persona that is Spartan of Spectre. For that, I thank you, all of you, and ask that we continue to exist as a group, divided as we may be.

A random picture on my Facebook news feed bore the following words: "If something is not making you happy anymore, respect yourself enough to walk away". This rings frighteningly true for many, many aspects of my life right now.

Although my rosy picture has begun its descent into darkness, but I will walk it through and finish what I started.

It is only logical.

Feed the fishes.

Fundamental Processes

Perhaps it really has been too long. Perhaps I've been too out of touch with conventional protocol governing this aspect of human behaviour.

Or perhaps it is just my fundamental manner of processing eventualities.

This is harder that I had ever envisioned.

Yes, the rewards are significant, satisfying and substantial, but the emotional turmoil en route to those rewards is a steep price to pay.

Very precarious indeed.

I cannot fathom the actual reason behind certain actions, nor dare I venture a guess lest risking the over active cogs of a dynamic engine powering an active imagination. So many possible scenarios can spawn from a single thought: some positive, some bad, others devastating.

It really might be just over thinking on my part, but it is a curse that I must bear.

For as long as I can.

It is so frightening that mere words - electronic or otherwise - and actions have such a hold over my emotional state, capsizing it from optimistic zealot to gloomy cultist.

Regardless, I chose this path, I must walk it till the end.

Even if it scars me yet again.

I have to summon my most impenetrable shields to create the appropriate facade, even if I am dying inside.

I cannot be selfish, but it is only...

Biological.

A Livid and Lucid Dreamscape

It has been a week since the Box was opened.

For so long I have not felt the presence of another in such close proximity, have not experienced the tactile feedback that emanates from physical contact, have not had another human being so receptive of the attention that I am giving.

This is why people crave companionship, it makes you feel complete, like a manhole in your consciousness being filled in with just the right combination of cement and water.

It had not been easy, trying to shed the thoughts that have undoubtedly clouded my better vision and clearer judgment to wreak havoc with the bridge I had so painstakingly built to ferry the precious cargo across.

Indeed, thoughts are a wonderful thing, but at the opportune moment, thoughts can evolve into pointed missiles with the ability to completely remove resolve, conviction and determination.

Thankfully, this time, they became warm thoughts of tiny kittens frolicking in lush meadows slathered with expanses of green grass set against a picturesque backdrop of a bright and brilliant sun.

It has been a little too long, for I have forgotten the wondrous joys that reciprocity of liking entailed.

As I took your hand, you slowly pulled me closer.

As I stood stoically by your side, you gently placed your head upon my arm.

As I put my arm around your shoulders, you moved that bit closer.

As I placed my hand in yours, you grabbed my arm and held it close.

As we waited for the lights to change, you came close and held that moment until red turned to green.

Your tiny, seemingly-inconsequential actions translate into codexes of ancient knowledge that brought enlightenment and comfort to my battered soul.

Just for that, I am immensely grateful.

Even if this were but a hyper-realistic dream crafted by the most proficient of dreamcasters in the deepest reaches of my rarest REM cycle, I do not want to be awakened.

Ever.

Feed the fishes kids.

A New Chapter, A Fresh Start

In a cruel twist of irony, the latest chapter in a long-archived codex has opened up again in September, just like how it was first exposed to the blinding rays of the natural sun six years ago.

This time, it is different.

After more than four months of futile second-guessing and disparate chasing of phantom geese, Schrodinger's Box has finally been opened. Even if the process took me an excruciating hour, the key to the Box was inserted. Even if the locking cylinders took another three hours to cycle open, the lid eventually sprang up to reveal a tiny kitten covered in flaming red fur that looked at me with anticipatory eyes.

I picked it up, cradled the tiny creature in my arms, and walked towards the horizon.

16 September 2012.

That is the day she answered my question.

Even if our interests are worlds or even galaxies apart, we can agree to disagree, looking for alternatives to mutual sources of entertainment. Even if our characters and personalities are complete polar opposites, we can use that to our advantage to complete one another. Even if I have to compete against an extensive array of past experience, I am certain of my capability to steer us onto the correct path for the future.

I will not question your past, for I will be living in your present and perhaps creating your future.

All I ask for is your patience and acceptance in dealing with this kid who refuses to grow up, this narcissistic introvert who uses overly-flowery language in everyday conversation, this rigid and calculated geek who has a massive collection of toys and this lanky boy with an over-reactor in his cranium.

I don't need you to be a good girlfriend, I just need you to be my girlfriend.

Let us walk this path together, slowly but surely, and see where we end up.

It is only logical.