A Post before the Year ends

In but a while, 2009 will arrive at our doorsteps. A brand new year, a brand new experience, a brand new chapter in our existence. Personally, I'm looking forward to it, as it will definitely bring in happier memories as compared to 2008.

After all that had transpired within the past year, I've learnt a great deal, and slowly - but surely - proceeding on the path to adulthood. It has been a grief-stricken, heart-breaking, mentally-torturing, emotionally-taxing and potently depressing six months, beginning from the month of June to the start of October. I believe a little update is in order.

Let's begin.

It's funny how two distinctly different people can get together, and last for about 16 months. In hindsight, we were really two drastically opposite individuals, whether it is viewpoints or personal issues. Similarities uncovered during the honeymoon period were seriously, a load of crap - they were mostly conveniently manipulated to cement the cracks in the shaky foundation. I've been kidding myself all this while: I thought I was ready, but everyone knows how that turned out; I thought being nice was enough, now I know what a close friend meant when she said I was always being too nice to the people around me; I figured that if I could just keep giving, why not? That equilibrium had been shattered about a year into the abyss.

It takes two hands to clap, and I admit the hand belonging to me lost strength nearing the end of the dark journey, but also partly due to the actions of the other hand. What with the permanently pissed-off face, extreme clinginess and utterly negative responses toward any action I take to rectify the situation. The day my heart stood still and shattered was when my handmade card was received with merely a shrug. In the history of my life, I have never made a single card for anyone else apart from my parents, and it was only a passing fad. Always asking for the things which may not happen, constantly implying me to change, driving me to near depression, COMPARISONS; I had enough.

In retrospect, fissures appeared early into the relationship, yet I simply made use of my so-called legendary tolerance and endurance to brace it through, and to what end? Thinking back, I think the reason why I struggled to make it work was because I was in love with the feeling of loving someone. However for me, the equation wasn't balanced, never has been, never will be.

Alas, all things come to an end someday. For me, this is a learning journey, a roller-coaster insight into the dreamy realm of love. Someday, somewhere, somehow, there will be a perfect girl for me, and I will make her the luckiest and happiest girl on Earth.

That pretty much sums up the incident, I have long moved on, which is more than what I can say for someone else. If you're reading this, please carry on with your life, there is no point pending for something which will never happen again. Frankly, I'm afraid. The mere thought of going back to the old days sends shivers down my spine, a recurring nightmare. I am very happy with my life now: NS has made me fitter, and I now have more time to spend with my friends, especially with that daughter of mine, my schoolmate with an exotic name and of course my little mei mei. Not to mention all my secondary school friends which I have previously forsaken, what a foolish act. Oh, and I'm actually saving money now, even after purchasing Gundam models regularly.

I will not delete the past entries of that relationship from this blog, as I want to read them at my leisure and laugh at my own foolishness, and as a reminder to never again walk that same, dark path.

Thus ends my journey into the unknown, a journey best kept in the deepest sectors of my internal memory banks.

The wounds are there, but they will heal in time.

Cheers. :)

But A Memory

Funny how life makes a joke of its subjects, putting you through emotional turmoil and mental torment, only to result in the one thing that you didn't want to see happen.

Well, I'm a victim of life's improbable circumstances.

A chapter of my life has been marked with the final full stop, and a new one will write itself in due course. Everything that had transcended is but a distant memory now, both good and bad.

I have moved on.

New Horizons

Humans are funny creatures.

It usually takes a life-changing, thought-provoking moment to realise something, to appreciate someone, to truly value what we have. It is when we're close to losing something that we come to appreciate it. For the first time in my existence, the above has written itself.

As the saying goes, the grass is greener on the other side. I don't deny that, something out of reach is always that bit more tantalising, more wanted. Once the forbidden fruit has been bitten into, the appetite for it, the lust for it never goes away, no matter how much effort you put in to cover it. Humans are like that, easily swayed by temptation. The saying: you can resist anything, but temptation, rings sordidly true.

In a nutshell, I've almost lost my one true love. A number of factors played their own roles in this mess, some stemmed from myself, others came from the other side. But at the end of the day, we're all victims of circumstances. In our quest to know each other better, we overlooked the simplest fact: to remind each other of our love. Mushy? Yeah. But it's true.

Over the years, making her happy has been my utmost priority, something that I've been undertaking with an almost zealous devotion. So determined am I in my task that I've gone blind to her other needs and wants. She doesn't need happiness all the time, she's a human being, not a happy meal. And matters got out of hand when someone else entered the picture and succeeded without trying much to achieve that, and seeing myself fail time and time again just wears down my defenses, down to the point of nothingness.

Things finally came to a head yesterday. I could not handle the whole thing anymore, I really could not. Like a battle damaged mobile suit which has taken one too many direct beam shots, I drifted away from the mothership I'd sworn to protect. I'm sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to power up my systems and journey back to the mothership for repairs. The coup de grace came in the form of her test too, and I really felt as if my heart has been pierced clean through with the biggest beam saber ever manufactured. The scar may be permanent, but the damage will heal.

Love is a two-way street, it is never a one-man show. To reinforce and re-cement my justification of choosing her as my mothership, she came through. Like a life-saving tether, her words reached out to my wounded heart, slowly patching up the open lacerations, slowly closing up the gaping punctures. Really, sometimes all you need is to Stop, Look, and Reiterate what you have been saying for the past 16 months. People need to be constantly reminded, our memories are that bad. As much as I want to take care of her all my life, sometimes I myself need to be taken care of. That's why I have a mothership, and I won't leave it ever again.

After this terrible battle with my own demons and the whole situation per se, I've come to realise a number of things. In no particular order:
1) I am who I am. I cannot be someone I can never be.
My core programming dictates how I act, how I behave. Much as I want to, that side of me will never be able to be altered. Adapted yes, but the base of it will always be omnipresent. That said, it brings me to the next point.
2) I can stand to be a bit more vocal, more outspoken.
Part of my crux, the trait that defines me. He Who Swallows All. Its a bad habit, a bad habit which I'm trying to change, one tiny step at a time.
3) When all seems hopeless, eject the head, see with the heart.
My little girl has taught me this very important lesson, something which I'd lost in the rigours of my new, mundane life.

I also realised how much my family loves me through this ordeal. My mom never failed to spur me on, to make me feel better and to give me incredible advice in a bid to help me overcome my sadness. I think my aura for the past few days have been severely negative, and it kinda spread throughout the entire house. My mom told me that my sister was feeling sad too because of my sorrow, and my dad himself was actually angry. Not with me, but at the whole situation. He would rather me not have this relationship if it made me so darned sad. To my dear family, I want to extend a great big THANK YOU for being around. You guys are the best. No more sadness from me, no more unneccessary sorrow anymore.

Now that I've put the above somewhere permanent, it serves as a reminder to this painful period of my life. So all of my regular readers (a big thank you there), if you happen to see me waddling in my own pool of self-grief in future, please redirect me back to this post.

I concluded that I need a break from this whole thing, and I talked to my little girl about it. After compromises here and there, we finally decided on a short break, not only for me, but for the both of us. I think it will do both of us good, absence does make the heart fonder. I also need this time to truly relax, take a breather, so that I can advance with my little girl through the remainder of our lives. To rest is to prepare yourself for the greater journey ahead.

I will fight for my little girl. No matter the cost.

Agony

Someone just kill me already.