Humans are funny creatures.
It usually takes a life-changing, thought-provoking moment to realise something, to appreciate someone, to truly value what we have. It is when we're close to losing something that we come to appreciate it. For the first time in my existence, the above has written itself.
As the saying goes, the grass is greener on the other side. I don't deny that, something out of reach is always that bit more tantalising, more wanted. Once the forbidden fruit has been bitten into, the appetite for it, the lust for it never goes away, no matter how much effort you put in to cover it. Humans are like that, easily swayed by temptation. The saying: you can resist anything, but temptation, rings sordidly true.
In a nutshell, I've almost lost my one true love. A number of factors played their own roles in this mess, some stemmed from myself, others came from the other side. But at the end of the day, we're all victims of circumstances. In our quest to know each other better, we overlooked the simplest fact: to remind each other of our love. Mushy? Yeah. But it's true.
Over the years, making her happy has been my utmost priority, something that I've been undertaking with an almost zealous devotion. So determined am I in my task that I've gone blind to her other needs and wants. She doesn't need happiness all the time, she's a human being, not a happy meal. And matters got out of hand when someone else entered the picture and succeeded without trying much to achieve that, and seeing myself fail time and time again just wears down my defenses, down to the point of nothingness.
Things finally came to a head yesterday. I could not handle the whole thing anymore, I really could not. Like a battle damaged mobile suit which has taken one too many direct beam shots, I drifted away from the mothership I'd sworn to protect. I'm sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to power up my systems and journey back to the mothership for repairs. The coup de grace came in the form of her test too, and I really felt as if my heart has been pierced clean through with the biggest beam saber ever manufactured. The scar may be permanent, but the damage will heal.
Love is a two-way street, it is never a one-man show. To reinforce and re-cement my justification of choosing her as my mothership, she came through. Like a life-saving tether, her words reached out to my wounded heart, slowly patching up the open lacerations, slowly closing up the gaping punctures. Really, sometimes all you need is to Stop, Look, and Reiterate what you have been saying for the past 16 months. People need to be constantly reminded, our memories are that bad. As much as I want to take care of her all my life, sometimes I myself need to be taken care of. That's why I have a mothership, and I won't leave it ever again.
After this terrible battle with my own demons and the whole situation per se, I've come to realise a number of things. In no particular order:
1) I am who I am. I cannot be someone I can never be.
My core programming dictates how I act, how I behave. Much as I want to, that side of me will never be able to be altered. Adapted yes, but the base of it will always be omnipresent. That said, it brings me to the next point.
2) I can stand to be a bit more vocal, more outspoken.
Part of my crux, the trait that defines me. He Who Swallows All. Its a bad habit, a bad habit which I'm trying to change, one tiny step at a time.
3) When all seems hopeless, eject the head, see with the heart.
My little girl has taught me this very important lesson, something which I'd lost in the rigours of my new, mundane life.
I also realised how much my family loves me through this ordeal. My mom never failed to spur me on, to make me feel better and to give me incredible advice in a bid to help me overcome my sadness. I think my aura for the past few days have been severely negative, and it kinda spread throughout the entire house. My mom told me that my sister was feeling sad too because of my sorrow, and my dad himself was actually angry. Not with me, but at the whole situation. He would rather me not have this relationship if it made me so darned sad. To my dear family, I want to extend a great big THANK YOU for being around. You guys are the best. No more sadness from me, no more unneccessary sorrow anymore.
Now that I've put the above somewhere permanent, it serves as a reminder to this painful period of my life. So all of my regular readers (a big thank you there), if you happen to see me waddling in my own pool of self-grief in future, please redirect me back to this post.
I concluded that I need a break from this whole thing, and I talked to my little girl about it. After compromises here and there, we finally decided on a short break, not only for me, but for the both of us. I think it will do both of us good, absence does make the heart fonder. I also need this time to truly relax, take a breather, so that I can advance with my little girl through the remainder of our lives. To rest is to prepare yourself for the greater journey ahead.
I will fight for my little girl. No matter the cost.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Monday, September 10, 2007
More love please, we're Singaporean.
Love.
How does one define that mystical term?
The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English (International Students Edition) defines the word as: [U] a strong feeling of liking and caring for someone, while our favourite online encyclopedia Wikipedia states that love is a constellation of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness.
Indeed, the fabled L-word is based largely on the feelings both parties in the relationship have of each other. Without feelings, nothing "coupley" can be done. It's like trying to start a fire with a wet box of matches, damp kinder and a gale-force typhoon blowing in your face. Feelings are thus the fundamental building blocks for a relationship built on love, the nucleus of a seed atom which hopefully transpires into something new, exciting and rewarding.
Love, when it comes, arrives on a chariot driven by a quartet of prized steeds, each rivaling the winged horse Pegasus in terms of speed, agility and magnificence. It just slams into you, and before you can pick up your marbles and gather your bearings, you have already fallen too far into the quagmire of affection, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some people are afraid of such a commitment, and try ways and means to get out of such a situation. They forsake the feelings and opinion of the other party in the relationship, regardless of whether or not they have officially started in the first place. The onus is on the fact that both parties are bound by an invisible, implied and understood contract of obligation right from the get-go when their feelings and instincts take control. Afterall, all of us are hardwired to find our second halves. Such scenarios often result in one party being devastated to the core, some even reaching to the extent of self-destruction, self-mortification or self-hate. The power one party wields over the other is scary, rivaling or even superseding the power of parents or authority. It is thus wise to seek the opinion of the other party before jumping to conclusions and solutions, as the method may sound good to you, but it may not be appropriate for the situation at hand. The results may not be what you have envisioned.
I read an article by Sumiko Tan in the newspapers last night, or rather this morning. She was talking about love and marriage, and I have to say I agree with her to the letter. Love is not about sex, security or sleaze, its about companionship, having someone - a very best friend - by your side 24/7. Knowing that she loves you and you love her, it colors and brings joy to your life, something that cannot be achieved with computer games, comic books or MMORPGs. We are, afterall, human.
Sure the package of love comes with a bewildering plethora of assorted paraphernalia, some downbeat, and some activist. It ultimately boils down to how the individual uses that package for the benefit of both parties, and that same package can be used to both induce pain, and to create extreme pleasure for the two primary variables in the equation of love. Guys out there reading this, please, don’t hurt your girls anymore; they don’t deserve that sort of torture. Seek their opinion, get clearance before attempting anything dire, and do not, under any circumstance coerce her to do something which you know will ultimately obliterate you both. The specter of break-up is shadowy, evil and malevolent to the very core.
Indeed.
In sum, it takes two hands to clap, likewise in a love relationship, there has to be giving before taking can commence, and when that happens you will naturally feel great about it. Why? Well, how would you feel if the girl you love returns the favour of giving by interpreting it in her own way? It is a feeling that falls short of any description by mere words, but it can be roughly described with this statement: the person you love loves you back.
Love is a narrow two-way street, you have to put yourselves into each other’s hands to make it to the end.
How does one define that mystical term?
The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English (International Students Edition) defines the word as: [U] a strong feeling of liking and caring for someone, while our favourite online encyclopedia Wikipedia states that love is a constellation of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness.
Indeed, the fabled L-word is based largely on the feelings both parties in the relationship have of each other. Without feelings, nothing "coupley" can be done. It's like trying to start a fire with a wet box of matches, damp kinder and a gale-force typhoon blowing in your face. Feelings are thus the fundamental building blocks for a relationship built on love, the nucleus of a seed atom which hopefully transpires into something new, exciting and rewarding.
Love, when it comes, arrives on a chariot driven by a quartet of prized steeds, each rivaling the winged horse Pegasus in terms of speed, agility and magnificence. It just slams into you, and before you can pick up your marbles and gather your bearings, you have already fallen too far into the quagmire of affection, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some people are afraid of such a commitment, and try ways and means to get out of such a situation. They forsake the feelings and opinion of the other party in the relationship, regardless of whether or not they have officially started in the first place. The onus is on the fact that both parties are bound by an invisible, implied and understood contract of obligation right from the get-go when their feelings and instincts take control. Afterall, all of us are hardwired to find our second halves. Such scenarios often result in one party being devastated to the core, some even reaching to the extent of self-destruction, self-mortification or self-hate. The power one party wields over the other is scary, rivaling or even superseding the power of parents or authority. It is thus wise to seek the opinion of the other party before jumping to conclusions and solutions, as the method may sound good to you, but it may not be appropriate for the situation at hand. The results may not be what you have envisioned.
I read an article by Sumiko Tan in the newspapers last night, or rather this morning. She was talking about love and marriage, and I have to say I agree with her to the letter. Love is not about sex, security or sleaze, its about companionship, having someone - a very best friend - by your side 24/7. Knowing that she loves you and you love her, it colors and brings joy to your life, something that cannot be achieved with computer games, comic books or MMORPGs. We are, afterall, human.
Sure the package of love comes with a bewildering plethora of assorted paraphernalia, some downbeat, and some activist. It ultimately boils down to how the individual uses that package for the benefit of both parties, and that same package can be used to both induce pain, and to create extreme pleasure for the two primary variables in the equation of love. Guys out there reading this, please, don’t hurt your girls anymore; they don’t deserve that sort of torture. Seek their opinion, get clearance before attempting anything dire, and do not, under any circumstance coerce her to do something which you know will ultimately obliterate you both. The specter of break-up is shadowy, evil and malevolent to the very core.
Indeed.
In sum, it takes two hands to clap, likewise in a love relationship, there has to be giving before taking can commence, and when that happens you will naturally feel great about it. Why? Well, how would you feel if the girl you love returns the favour of giving by interpreting it in her own way? It is a feeling that falls short of any description by mere words, but it can be roughly described with this statement: the person you love loves you back.
Love is a narrow two-way street, you have to put yourselves into each other’s hands to make it to the end.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Quoteworthy Quotes
The path less trodden is a path rife with treachery, danger and hidden surprises at every turn.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be bright, but the tunnel itself is dark as night, very dark indeed.
Standing vigil by the candlelight for the eventual return of the ship, only to have it delayed yet again, without forewarning or any prior indication.
Tough times demand tougher measures; escape is hardly an option worthy of notable consideration in dire times.
To push the boundaries of endurance, to test the frontiers of tolerance, to tread precariously into the great unknown, such is bravery, yet the intrinsically unique limits must not be forsaken or forgotten.
Reaching for the stars requires more than mere puffery and sweet talk to cajole a nova to descend from the heavens; solid action must be taken to wrench the wretched celestial entity from its perch in the inky sky.
An equation will always be balanced by the presence of a constant variable, yet the entire sequence will be thrown into disarray by the incidence of other factors mutually exclusive of the constant variable.
A single tiny ember of flame is all it takes to spark a wildfire razing several acres of evergreen forest.
One slight miscalculation on the captain’s part will result in the demise of the entire vessel into a maelstrom of gargantuan proportions, into the gaping maw of a kraken or onto a bed of razor sharp rocks like a beached whale.
The wheel of fate constantly turns, the engine of destiny relentlessly runs, and the monolith of time persistently surges ahead.
Focus is a double-edged sword. Control and discipline is the key to wielding the weapon as though it was an extension of the arm.
Absolution comes at the cost of dissolution.
Sunlight, however abundant, will expire one day.
Nothing is forever.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be bright, but the tunnel itself is dark as night, very dark indeed.
Standing vigil by the candlelight for the eventual return of the ship, only to have it delayed yet again, without forewarning or any prior indication.
Tough times demand tougher measures; escape is hardly an option worthy of notable consideration in dire times.
To push the boundaries of endurance, to test the frontiers of tolerance, to tread precariously into the great unknown, such is bravery, yet the intrinsically unique limits must not be forsaken or forgotten.
Reaching for the stars requires more than mere puffery and sweet talk to cajole a nova to descend from the heavens; solid action must be taken to wrench the wretched celestial entity from its perch in the inky sky.
An equation will always be balanced by the presence of a constant variable, yet the entire sequence will be thrown into disarray by the incidence of other factors mutually exclusive of the constant variable.
A single tiny ember of flame is all it takes to spark a wildfire razing several acres of evergreen forest.
One slight miscalculation on the captain’s part will result in the demise of the entire vessel into a maelstrom of gargantuan proportions, into the gaping maw of a kraken or onto a bed of razor sharp rocks like a beached whale.
The wheel of fate constantly turns, the engine of destiny relentlessly runs, and the monolith of time persistently surges ahead.
Focus is a double-edged sword. Control and discipline is the key to wielding the weapon as though it was an extension of the arm.
Absolution comes at the cost of dissolution.
Sunlight, however abundant, will expire one day.
Nothing is forever.
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